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July 14 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 26, 2002 - 10:12 AM GMT

See Also: 'Detained' Episode Guide

Archer: Oh, great. Canít I go to sleep just once without waking up in jail?
Mayweather: Yawwwn... good mornAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Archer: Whatís wrong, Travis?
Mayweather: What do you think? I woke up next to YOU! Oh God... how much did I drink last night?
Archer: Oh, stop that. Not only are you being irrationally paranoid, but youíre encouraging the slashers.

Guard: Everybody out! Inspection time!
Mayweather: Uh oh. What do you think they inspect here?
Archer: Just relax, Travis. Iíll handle this with my Eagle Scout training.
Guard: Now then, you two --
Archer: Sir, I know weíre not in proper uniform, but I ask that you please be lenient. My friend and I stopped to help an old lady cross the street on the way here, and as soon as she got to the other side, she gassed us and stole our clothes.
Guard: Buh?
Archer: Youíll let it go just this once? Thank you so much, sir. It wonít happen again.
Guard: Buh?
Mayweather: I think all you did was confuse him, Captain.
Archer: I was aiming for a Good Citizenship badge, but itíll do.

Tucker: Hey TíPol, I was just thinking how --
TíPol: Silence, fool! Weíre not supposed to appear yet. Itís a suspense-building tactic.
Tucker: But this is important!
TíPol: All right, fine. What is it?
Tucker: I forget.
TíPol: Get out of my sight.

Guard: The Colonel wants to see you.
Archer: Understandable. Tell her Iím flattered, but I donít really have room in my life for a relationship right now.
Guard: The Colonelís a man.
Archer: Those slashers will stop at nothing, will they? Fine, tell him I --
Guard: Iíll give you three seconds to stop misinterpreting me.
Archer: Seconds? Thanks, but Iím full.
Guard: Okay, you just made my list.

Colonel Grat: Good morning, Captain Archer. I trust you slept well?
Archer: More or less. I had this weird dream where I was the last guardian of a fallen civilization and recruited an unlikely crew to reunite the galaxies.
Grat: Pretty farfetched. Anyway, pleased to finally meet you.
Archer: Youíve heard of me?
Grat: You were on the cover of GQ last month, remember? Very interesting read. At one point, you told the interviewer to take her Vulcan cynicism and bury it.
Archer: Thatís just my way of being friendly.
Grat: Ah. Well, anyway, donít worry -- weíll have you out of here well before this becomes a ripoff of every prison drama ever made. For now, just go back to rotting in your cell.
Archer: Sounds good. Iím off then... take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it.
Grat: Thanks, you too.

Archer: Yikes! A Suliban!
Danik: Whatís it to you?
Archer: A seven-letter word for ďslimy evildoer.Ē Found that in a crossword puzzle.
Danik: But it was a misprint. The answer was supposed to be ďClinton.Ē They printed a correction the next issue....
Guard: Thatís it, you get a night in jail!
Danik: But I was just --
Guard: Move it! MOVE IT!
Archer: Wow. Tough place.
Mayweather: You think thatís bad? While you were out, they repainted our room in ecru. Ecru!

Sato: The Tandaran base is hailing us.
TíPol: Theyíd better not be trying to sell us encyclopedias again. On screen.
Grat: (over the comm) Greetings. Can we interest you in --
Sato: Hey, I know you!
Grat: What? Thatís impossible.
Sato: Oh no itís not! You were that guy from --
Grat: Shhh! Iím trying to start a new life here! How much money will it take to keep you quiet?
Sato: Just beam your vault to my quarters, ďGrat.Ē
TíPol: Ensign, thatís enough. Starfleet regulations specifically forbid using the shipís comm line for personal mail, e-mail, or blackmail.

Mayweather: Welcome back. How was solitary?
Danik: Solitary.
Archer: How odd. Anyway, before we were interrupted, you were telling a joke... something about not being evil.
Danik: That wasnít a joke.
Archer: Not a good one, anyway. Reminded me of those lame ďfive-minute parodiesĒ I used to read.
Mayweather: Can we get back on topic here? I think this guyís going to tell us what moral weíre bashing the audience around with this week.
Danik: Racial profiling, mostly. Also the dangers of greed.
Archer: Huh. Where does that come up?

Sato: Ninety-eight, ninety-nine... one hundred billion! WOO-HOO!
TíPol: Thatís a lot of cash all right. Gratís secret must be pretty important to him.
Sato: Oh, yes. You might say he should have looked before he leapt.
Grat: (over the comm) Hey, stop that! No hinting!

Sajen: What are these humans doing here?
Danik: They say theyíre on our side.
Sajen: In other words, you canít get rid of them.
Danik: Iíve tried Raid, Iíve tried DDT....
Archer: We resent that!
Mayweather: Actually, Iím kinda flattered. Being an insect would be a step up for me.
Archer: Oh, quit your whining. Itís not for us to choose who gets the most lines -- theyíre meted out by the Powers That Be.
Mayweather: Groaaan. Do we have to do an Angel reference every single week?

Grat: Mind if I shed my good-guy facade for a minute?
Archer: Be my guest.
Grat: Then let the interrogation begin. What do you know about Silik?
Archer: Hmmm... well, he can survive in the vacuum of space.
Grat: What? Thatís preposterous! I can think of at least five scientific problems with --
Archer: Oh, and he has this room where time goes wonky.
Grat: Enough! Thereís no point in interrogating you if youíre just going to make stuff up!

TíPol: Youíre out of uniform, Ensign.
Sato: Youíre just jealous because you canít afford a solid platinum Armani. So where do we beam this communicator to?
TíPol: The captainís cell. The hard part will be finding --
Sato: No problem. I bought something from Grat thatíll help us out.
TíPol: A map of the prison?
Sato: A set of encyclopedias. Letís see... ďArcher, Jon: Earthís answer to Buzz Lightyear. Currently residing in Cell K9.Ē
TíPol: Heheheh. They stuck him in the kennel.

Danik: ....and they stuck her in a different prison because leaving couples together wouldnít have been mean enough for them. Well, thatís my sob story. Like it?
Archer: Iím... Iím moved to tears.
Mayweather: Youíre not crying, Captain.
Archer: Did I say my tears? Well, Iím convinced. Iím making a plan to free all the Suliban.
Mayweather: I thought you decided not to interfere with other cultures.
Archer: Geez, what show have YOU been watching?

Sajen: Quit pretending youíre on our side -- Suliban terrify you.
Mayweather: Well, duh. Rabbits terrify me. Kleenex terrifies me.
Sajen: You can stop now.
Mayweather: Fantasia terrifies me. Those hippos in tutus... shudder.
Sajen: I said stop!

Mayweather: Hey, whereíd that communicator come from?
Archer: It must be one of those spontaneous communicators. Letís see whoís calling.
TíPol: (over the comm) Captain! Are you there?
Archer: No, youíve reached the Vulcan Theatre Guild, where monotony meets soliloquy.
TíPol: Iíll introduce you to the rudiments of tact later. First, thereís someone here who misses you.
Porthos: (over the comm) Ruff! RUFF! Ruffruffruff!
Archer: Oh, hi Trip! Howíre you doing?

Sato: I slept on a mattress made of caviar last night. Can you say that? No!
Reed: Donít you think youíre being a little shortsighted with all this money?
Sato: No, I think youíre being a little shortsighted with all this money.
Reed: That doesnít make sense.
Sato: You dare to criticize the logic of Queen Hoshi? I punish you with a dangerous and foolhardy away mission!
Reed: ďQueen Hoshi?Ē
Sato: Youíd be surprised how far fifty million pounds will get you at Buckingham Palace.

Archer: For the last time, Silik did not tell me what his cousinís middle name was.
Grat: Youíre lying! You just want to conceal information from us!
Archer: I wonít deny that last part, but....
Grat: That does it! Guard, beat up Mayweather!
Guard: Roger. Iíll go get the Stick of Whuppiní.
Grat: So, Captain... feeling a little less reticent now that your friend is in danger?
Archer: Youíd think so, wouldnít you?

TíPol: Bridge to Phlox. Howís the work coming?
Phlox: (over the comm) Iím already done, Subcommander, and I believe Ms. Reed will be very pleased when she wakes up.
TíPol: What the--? You were supposed to make him look like a Suliban!
Phlox: And you didnít specify the gender, now did you?

Mayweather: Letís get one thing straight: you suck.
Sajen: This is the comeuppance I was scheduled for?

TíPol: Hi again, Colonel. Weíd like to --
Grat: (over the comm) No. She canít have any more money. Iíve given her everything I own.
TíPol: I was wondering what the nudity was about. But donít worry, weíre just here to destroy your prison.
Grat: With the prisoners in it?
TíPol: Hmm, let me think about that. No.
Grat: Can I at least attack Archer in a genocidal frenzy?
TíPol: Sure, on condition that you put some clothes on!

Mayweather: Another Suliban. Are you okay, maíam?
Reed: Itís me, Travis! And -- hey, wait a minute. Did you say ďmaíamĒ?
Mayweather: Yeah....
Reed: Dammit! Not again! Iíve already HAD a sex change this season!
Tucker: (over the comm) Just be glad youíre not pregnant.
Reed: Mind your own business.

Archer: Hey Malcolm. Glad you could make it.
Reed: Hoshi paid my air fare. I canít believe she wouldnít spring for first class....
Archer: All right, letís discuss strategy. Basically, Iím gonna do ďLetís move these people outĒ ŗ la Picard in Insurrection.
Mayweather: Oh, I get it. Youíre trying to get stuck in a cave-in with some babe.
Archer: Am not.
Mayweather: Are too.
Archer: Am not.
Sajen: These humans sure do have maturity under fire.

Sato: And hereís the diamond collar I bought you! Like it?
Porthos: Ruff.
Sato: Something wrong, Porthos? You havenít touched your solid gold dog food.
Porthos: Ruff... ruff ruff....
Sato: Oh, canít any of you people just accept that Iím rich now? Always with the ďbe careful or youíll lose it allĒ junk! Iím sick of it!
Porthos: Ruff!
Sato: Yeah? Soís your mother!
Porthos: GRRRRRRRR....
Sato: Uh oh.

Sajen: YEOW!
Danik: Problems?
Sajen: Iím shot!
Danik: What does that have to do with problems?
Mayweather: Oh, just go back and help him, you meathead.

Grat: And furthermore, YOU SON OF A BLATCH! Why are you helping them? We have to exterminate the brutes, dammit!
Archer: Are you just about through? Iím on a deadline here. Also, where in Godís name are your pants?
Grat: Thatís not impAAAAAAAAA!
Archer: Wow. Iíve never seen someone choke on his own bigotry before.

TíPol: Whatís the prognosis?
Phlox: Porthos didnít exactly pull his punches -- Ensign Sato needs massive surgery. Iím confident that I can rebuild her....
TíPol: Donít tell me: you have the technology.
Phlox: Ahem. Yes. But the operation will cost one hundred billion dollars.
TíPol: Weíll have to sell back all the stuff she bought, but that should be enough.
Phlox: Thereís a valuable lesson to be learned here about greed.
TíPol: Not as valuable as the lesson about insulting Porthosí mother.

Archer: And thus the episode ends. Everything is resolved.
Mayweather: But we never found out what happened to Danik and Sajen.
Archer: In what way does that affect my observation that everything is resolved?
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He didn't need Hoshi to show him the danger of insulting Porthos' mother, but he's afraid of dogs anyway.

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