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July 17 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at June 8, 2005 - 1:26 AM GMT

See Also: 'Damage' Episode Guide

Previously on Star Trek: Enterprise....
Everyone: ARRRGGH!

Reed: Hull plating at 0%! No wonder people are getting sucked into space!
T'Pol: Weapons?
Reed: Down, and don't freaking remind me!
T'Pol: Stand your ground! We'll fight those ships hand-to-hand if necessary!
Sato: Wait a minute... they're moving off! We're saved!
T'Pol: Um... why?
Sato: I know! Want me to hail them and ask?

Dolim: What do you mean, give him back? We just got him!
Degra: And what do you think you'll get from him? All he does is babble about lizards and sports scores and whether Wolverine could take Green Lantern.
Unnamed Sloth Xindi: Hal Jordan or Kyle Rayner?
Dolim: Shut up! I don't care about information. I just like to hurt stuff.
Degra: Fine. I'll lend you my telemarketing officer.

T'Pol: How's that damage report coming?
Tucker: I'm on page 35. I still think a report on what isn't damaged would be faster.
T'Pol: Continue. Mr. Reed, find out where the hell Mayweather is. In the meantime, Ensign Sato will take the helm. After all, isn't piloting just another language?
Sato: No!
T'Pol: Isn't it, though?
Sato: (sigh) I see I'm not going to win this one.

Note on Mayweather's Door: Gone to where nobody knows your name. Good luck saving Earth. - Travis
Reed: Oh no! He forgot to say I could have all his stuff. Oh well, easily forged.

Archer: Oof... where am I? Is that water out the window?
Aquatic Xindi 1: No. Don't go look. I said d--
Archer: HOLY!
Aquatic Xindi 1: Oh great. The human's seen our sacred water polo game.
Aquatic Xindi 2: At least he passed out from the satisfaction.

Reed: There's a pod coming! A pod! A pod!
T'Pol: Stop thinking repetition is funny and scan it for pea signs.
Reed: Our sensors can't penetrate. But I know something that could....
T'Pol: (sigh) Torpedoes, right? Or phase cannons? Maybe the grappler?
Reed: I was going to say neutrinos. Do you enjoy pigeonholing me?

Phlox: This is so nostalgic. It feels like "Harbinger" again.
T'Pol: Oh, shut up and open the pod. MACOs, pea-shooters on stun.
Phlox: Here goes....
All: GASP!
Archer: What? Is there something behind me?

Reed: That's what the note said. Honest. Any ideas?
Sato: "Nobody knows your".... oh no! He must have gone back to the Underused Characters' Tavern!
Reed: Want me to pretend I don't remember what that is, so you can recap for the readers?
Sato: Heck no. If they've forgotten, they can darn well reread the "Shockwave" fiver on their own time.

Archer: Don't treat me first, Doctor. Give the crew priority.
Phlox: I wasn't actually planning to treat you, but duly noted.
T'Pol: The damage report is on this bookcase. In addition, we have lost Ensign Mayweather.
Archer: Travis is dead?
T'Pol: No, we just can't find him. No one died except 14 of the crew.
Archer: Whew.

T'Pol's Balance: I don't feel so good. Nervous system, remind the superego we're late for our next fix.
T'Pol's Nervous System: Can someone else do it for once? I'm tired.
T'Pol's Sense of Logic: God, I wish the rest of you would just shut up once in a while. Maybe then she'd be able to hear me.

Reed: I've detected a cloud nearby. Like all clouds of anything, it should block enemy sensors.
Archer: Hoshi, set a course and then pack your bags. You and Malcolm are going to go bring back Ensign Mayweather.
Sato: What? But sir, I --
Archer: We need Travis to complete this mission! By all accounts, he left because of you. I don't care about the details, just get him to come back.
Sato: Aye, sir.
Archer: Meeting dism-- oh, one more thing. T'Pol, remember what you said about my theory that water polo would play a major role in the Expanse?
T'Pol: I called it the Charonian dung elephant of theories.
Archer: Right. Hoshi, whack her. I can't hit a girl.

Illyian Captain: (over the comm) Distress! Distress!
Archer: Now hold on a minute. Maybe in bygone days I would have responded to every distress call that came my way, but those days are bygone. The new, improved Archer needs proof that you're not a trick.
Captain: We can't be a trick. You're a grown man....
Archer: ....and tricks are for kids. Lay in a course.

Reed: So how do you get to this tavern? Or am I incapable of understanding because I'm a well-rounded character with plenty of screentime?
Sato: Ha ha. No, getting there isn't hard. It has entrances in every universe and time period, you just have to know where to look.
Reed: That sounds vaguely familar.
Sato: I diane't carey. (ahem) Don't care. Sorry, I'm having trouble breathing in here.
Reed: You're that attracted to me?
Sato: Your huge stockpile of weapons is pressing against my lungs that hard.

Captain: Thank you for your help, Captain. Is there anything we can do for you?
Archer: We really, really need a warp coil. And a new hull would be nice if you've got one lying around.
Captain: Whoa! No, we need our coil. It makes us go. I was thinking more along the lines of an adjustable wrench.
Archer: You don't understand! We're in a desperate struggle to save an entire planet!
Captain: And we would be happy to contribute a wrench to that effort!
Archer: Hayes, get this prick off the ship. We're leaving at maximum non-warp!

T'Pol: Mmph... Trip, I want you... DEAD! MWAHAHA--
T'Pol's Alarm: (beep beep)
T'Pol: Rats! It was a dream, and I'm still in a box at the bottom of the sea. Or... wait, I'm confused. Drugs will help.

Tucker: Huh. Tucker to Archer: I just heard some crashing sounds from Cargo Bay 2.
Archer: (over the comm) Ignore it. That's just the crates being thrown around by gravity, like they were in the premiere and then never again.
Tucker: Glad those slackers are getting back on the ball.

Crewman Sue: Hey, look what I found in that data from your pod.
Archer: A requisition list with Degra's kids on it? I've heard of ordering your kids around, but....
Crewman Sue: I'm just guessing here, being an inexperienced but strikingly beautiful young firebrand, but should we try scanning for a secret message?
Archer: That's a great idea, Mary! I'm promoting you to Lieutenant.

Sato: (shudder) Wow, that was some chill I just got.
Reed: Sorry, my liquid hydrogen gun was leaking. Are we in orbit yet?
Sato: Just entered. Welcome to Tholia, homeworld of the most underused bad guys around. There's got to be a UCT entrance here.
Reed: You don't know? Where did you find it the first time?
Sato: During that multi-franchise job search, I ran into someone so underused he could create entrances at will. Name was Warren, I think.

T'Pol: Lieutenant Sue was, of course, correct. I have found this set of coordinates in the data.
Archer: Hmm... we'll never get there without warp. But Degra's not patient -- he won't wait till never. This calls for... drastic action!
Tucker: (in the doorway with a Bud Light) Oh. I stopped listening too soon.

Phlox: You look like a man with the weight of the world out his window, Captain.
Archer: Phlox... have you ever done anything unethical?
Phlox: Have I? Have I? HAHAHAHA!
Archer: See, I'm about to cross a line that I've never --
Phlox: I'm doing something unethical right now! I'm taking a coffee break in the middle of an organ transplant! And nothing's wrong with either organ!
Archer: I think I'll talk to someone else about this.

Evil Transdimensional Being: Greetings, beloved Xindi pawns.
Degra: You know, I'm starting to wonder if that really is your people's word for "friends."
Evil Transdimensional Being: Why, Degra, what's troubling you?
Degra: Nothing. Certainly not severe doubts about our cause, and you.
Dolim: Want me to kill him, Guardian? I believe him, I just like to kill stuff.

Archer: So that's the plan. Any questions?
T'Pol: Just one. You're out of your pitiful red-blooded human mind! I should eat you! To DEATH!
Archer: Okay, I've had enough of this mysterious non-Vulcan behaviour from you. Go see Phlox.
T'Pol: Don't be absurd, you absurdist! When have I ever acted like a Vulcan? I'm fine! I'm perfectly MUSHROOMS! fine!
Archer: Oh, get going. I have a lot of angst to get through before the attack.

Phlox: All right, young lady, care to explain why I'm detecting all this Trellium-D inside you?
T'Pol: (sigh) Fine, I'll tell you. I was experimenting with the emotions Trellium-D releases in Vulcans.
Phlox: Well, your lack of brains will lead to a craving for them if you don't stop right now. Zombies! Remember? Geez!
T'Pol: Agreed. I will stay out of Cargo Bay 2 from now on.
Phlox: And all the other bays! I'd better not hear about you licking that shuttlepod, missy!

Archer: Okay. We're armed with guns, angst, and a just cause. We've practiced on the holodeck. Time to get this grand theft warp coil on the road.
T'Pol: We're now in range. Good luck.
Archer: You too. Trip, if I get assimilated, you know what to do.
Tucker: No I don't.
Archer: Pray that you never do.

Reed: I'll be damned. There it is!
Sato: Remember, if we go in, we can't come back out. We need a plan. But first let's look through the windows and make sure he's in there.
Reed: That's him singing karaoke, isn't it? With Apoc and Aquaman?
Sato: Yeah. And good Lord, he's smiling! Oh, Trav... have you sunk so low that you're happy here?
Reed: Hey, my father taught me that a man can always be happy in the company of beer.

Illyian Crew: KPOW KPOW KPOW
Tucker: Man, Malcolm would be all over this.
Archer: Focus on getting that warp coil out!
Tucker: Oh, I got it out a while ago. I just didn't want to cut short this cool firefight.

Captain: You monster! You've stranded us three years from home!
Archer: Pfft, three. Make it 70 and we'll talk about sympathy.
Captain: We'll have to struggle every day to survive!
Archer: And as our contribution to that effort, here's an adjustable wrench.

T'Pol: I'm feeling a bit better. Are the withdrawal symptoms fading?
Phlox: Perhaps -- but they may never fade completely. Your emotions may well continue to fight your control for the rest of your life.
T'Pol: I don't feel better anymore.
Phlox: Then I've done my job.

Tucker: We're good to go, Cap'n. And for the record, I think you did the right thing.
Archer: I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it.
Tucker: You can live with it.
Archer: There's something I still don't get, though. That warp coil wasn't so big. Why don't we have five or six spares on board?
Tucker: (eyeroll) Clearly you have no grasp of the engineering principles involved.
Archer: ...You know, that's not actually an answer.
Tucker: No grasp.

Bouncer: Hey! No sightseeing.
Sato: We're just trying to help a friend of --
Bouncer: You're Hoshi, right? Get lost. Travis is with people who care about him now. (walks off)
Sato: Hey! I did care about him! I just treated him like I didn't! (sigh) What are we going to do, Malcolm?
Reed: I'll tell you what we're not going to do. We're not going to ask how things could get any worse.
Sato: Don't be silly. How could they?

Captain: (over the comm) Distress! Distress! A bunch of pirates have robbed our spaceship!
Samus Aran: Space Pirates?


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly five years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Some days he feels like he should just pack it in and move to the Underused Characters' Tavern himself.

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