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The Trek Nation - Shockwave

Shockwave

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at June 25, 2002 - 3:26 AM GMT

See Also: 'Shockwave' Episode Guide

Tucker: Last episode of the year... makes you nostalgic, donít it?
TíPol: No.
Tucker: Címon, TíPol! Just think about it -- weíre about to begin four months of pure, grade-A boredom. No more Porthos gags... no more weird Hoshi subplots... no more fourth-wall-breaking ďtalking to the audienceĒ scenes....
TíPol: When you think of a disadvantage, please inform me.
Tucker: Look, Iím just sayiní weíve come pretty far. Long road from there to here if you ask me.
TíPol: Youíre right about one thing, Mr. Tucker.
Tucker: Whatís that?
TíPol: It has been a very, very long year.
Tucker: Youíre missing the point! On purpose!
Archer: Welcome to my world, Trip.

Sato: The shuttlepod is now preparing to land. Please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated until the pod has come to a complete stop. Thank you for flying Starfleet. (sigh) I canít believe you made me memorize that. What am I, a stewardess?
Reed: Do we need to go over it again? Repeat after me: ďI am not the pilot; I will not try to --Ē
Archer: Okay, that does it! If you kids donít stop fighting this minute, I swear Iíll pull this shuttle over and take you both over my knee!
TíPol: Jon, watch the road! Weíre going to --
(FOOOOOM)
Archer, TíPol, Reed, and Sato: Ohhhh boy.

Tucker: It...it was really the colonists? Youíre sure we didnít just foom some holograms?
Archer: I wish, but weíre already over quota. Weíll have to face the consequences. First of all, Travis....
Mayweather: Yes, sir?
Archer: Take some vacation time. The temptation for me to use you as a scapegoat will be too strong.
Mayweather: But -- but Iíll miss the finale!
TíPol: It isnít as though you have lines in it, Ensign.

Archer: ....and then the whole place went up like a Christmas tree made of TNT.
Forrest: (over the comm) Rhymes wonít get you out of this. The Vulcans are so mad theyíre threatening to eat your dog.
Porthos: RUFF! RUFF RUFF!
Archer: Donít you worry, boy. Theyíd have to eat me first.
Forrest: Really? Iíll tell Soval right away. He didnít think youíd be up for it.

TíPol: Can I relieve Archer of duty? Heís moping and brooding.
Phlox: I thought you found that sexy.
TíPol: Doesnít mean Iíll pass up a perfect chance to seize power. The reign of TíPol has begun! Get down on your knees, vassal!
Phlox: This isnít going to work, Subcommander. If you could get someone relieved just for feeling guilty, Sheridan wouldnít have lasted ten minutes.
TíPol: Sorry, I canít hear you. Iím trying on tiaras.

Archer: Sigh....
Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: Sigh....
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff!
Forrest: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain.
Archer: Do you mind? Iím very busy looking at the colonistsí pictures and sighing.
Forrest: I think youíve been doing that a bit too long. You look dusty and your dog is obviously starving.
Archer: Donít be silly. If he were, heíd be trying to get my attention.

Reed: Well, Iíve checked out the shuttlepod... there was no sign of sabotage, but I did find several crumpled Doritos bags in the intake.
Sato: Iíll give you ten credits not to tell TíPol about that.
TíPol: Too late, youíre on report. Anything else, Mr. Reed?
Reed: Just that I donít see how it could have been our fault. The chakotaymeter was at zero the whole time, which rules out pilot error, and besides, weíre just such nice guys.
TíPol: Whereís Travis? I think I can blame this on him.
Reed: Archer sent him away to prevent that.
TíPol: And the case for relieving Archer builds....

Archer: I have good news and I have bad news. First of all, Enterprise has been ordered back to Earth.
TíPol: Whatís the bad news?
Archer: That tiara really doesnít work for you.
Tucker: Captain, you canít just let them do this! We had years of colonist-exploding ahead of us!
TíPol: And what the spluck is wrong with my tiara?
Archer: Thatís enough, you two. Get out before you ruin my broody atmosphere.

Bouncer: Not so fast, buster. You canít come in unless your nameís on the list.
Mayweather: Oh, hi. A friend of mine gave me your address. What is this place, anyway?
Bouncer: Canít you read the sign? This is the Underused Charactersí Tavern. Now gimme some ID and maybe I wonít throw you across the street.
Mayweather: Underused characters? Hoshi must have made some mistake. See, Iím Travis Mayweather and --
Bouncer: Mayweather? Thatís YOU? Holy! Come in, come in! Youíre a legend with these guys!

Sato: Well, so much for the mission. I wonder if I can get my old job back.
Reed: The one where you were translating Japanese instruction manuals into the worst English possible?
Sato: Nobody could do it like me. ďThe step F: Be pressed a most western button counterclockwise but up.Ē

Archer: I feel so horribly guilty. I donít deserve to be out here in space.
TíPol: Darn right.
Archer: Um, TíPol? This is where youíre supposed to talk me out of my funk.
TíPol: I like you better in the funk.
Archer: All right, Iíll find someone else to cheer me up. Here, Porthos!
Porthos: Grrrrrrr....
Archer: Sigh. Some days you just canít be pleased by anybody.

Tucker: Stop whistling cheerily.
Phlox: Geez, who elected you president of Killjoyia?
Tucker: See, thatís exactly what Iím talking about! Weíre all crushed, and you insist on looking on the bright side!
Phlox: Thereís a reason for that, Mr. Tucker.
Tucker: Yeah? What?
Phlox: I hate you all.

Archer: Yawwwwwn... ZZZZZ
Computer: Wake up, Captain. Youíre -8760 hours late for work.
Archer: Thatís odd; Iím usually late by positive numbers. Hey, wait a minute. Why is it suddenly Earth outside?
Computer: Might have something to do with the fact that youíre on Earth.
Archer: Whoa! Thereís only one possible explanation: Iíve moped myself back in time, just like my mom always warned me!
Computer: Your mom?
Archer: Yeah, she was full of helpful warnings. ďDonít frown or your face will freeze like that.Ē ďDonít mope or youíll send yourself back in time.Ē ďDonít babble or youíll put your computer to sleep.Ē
Computer: ZZZZZ
Archer: Oh, very original.

Archer: Time for a test. Archer to Starfleet Medical: do you have a Dr. Phlox working for you?
Nurse: (over the comm) Why, yes. How did you --
Archer: Fire the bum! Iíll thank me later.
Daniels: Well done, Captain. Youíre already changing history for the better.
Archer: Oh, itís you again. Werenít you dead?
Daniles: Dead like a fox! Seriously, yes and no. We call it the Braxton Paradox.
Archer: Okay then. What did you bring me here for?
Daniels: You know that planet you blew up? You didnít blow it up.
Archer: With you so far....
Daniels: Now Iím going to give you future information so you can fight back. This is known as ďbreaking the Temporal Prime Directive because everybody else is doing it.Ē
Archer: Gotcha.
Daniels: And I picked one year ago because I figure Iíll have to keep explaining it for about that long till you get it.
Archer: Understood. One question, though....
Daniels: Yes?
Archer: What did you bring me here for?
Daniels: Okay, once more from the top. This is gonna be a long year....

Archer: Great news, guys! We get to carry out the mysterious orders of a being of questionable trustworthiness!
TíPol: This is different from our regular lives... how?
Archer: Shut up and take that stupid tiara off. Trip, your orders are to --
Sato: Wait! Captain, the ship could be bugged. We should communicate in some kind of code.
Archer: Got one in mind?
Sato: Yep. Write down what you want to say to Trip....
Archer: Okay, here.
Sato: Good, now Iíll translate it. (ahem) Mister the Tucker: make to preparing their Grapplizer Device, until he find would by electronically space rockets that invisibleness.
TíPol: She really is good.

Suliban #1: Thereís a ship coming.
Suliban #2: Big deal. They canít see us with their sensors off.
Suliban #1: Their sensors arenít off.
Suliban #2: Iím perfectly happy thinking they are.

Reed: We get to go in Danielsí quarters! This is gonna be fun!
Archer: You remember the code for the lock, right?
Reed: Oh, it doesnít work by a code. See, I took this special strip of transparent adhesive-coated --
Archer: You locked his quarters with Scotch tape?
Reed: If you wanna be all technical about it, yeah.

TíPol: Thereís the ship.
Archer: Okay, letís get started. Mr. Reed, fire the first salvo --
Sato: Wait!
Archer: What?
Sato: Let me. Mr. or Ms. Reed to be launched a beginning gun weapon at now!
Archer: Hoshi, weíre about to fire at them. Whether they can hear us is kind of a moot point.
Sato: Thatís no reason to take reckless chances.
Reed: (over the comm) Can I fire the splucking guns already?

Mayweather: You guys have been here a while, eh?
Uhura: 34 years and counting. You get used to the beer eventually.
Vir Cotto: It still tastes flat to me.
MíRess: Youíve barely been here five yearsssss, newbie.
Mayweather: Look, I appreciate the warm welcome, but my being here has to be some mistake. Iím not underused.
Everyone: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mayweather: Really! I may get a little less screentime, but Captain Archer canít be completely equal with all of us. I have faith in him to give me my fair share.
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bouncer: Oh, stop! Stop it, kid! Youíre killiní me! Man oh man!

Reed: (over the comm) Target bludgeoned, sir.
Archer: Excellent. On to phase two, where I and the two least dispensible senior officers go aboard the enemy ship.
TíPol: Itís a classic plan, Captain. Your forefathers will be proud.
Tucker: Yeah, yeah. Letís just check that chakotaymeter again before we take the pod out, okay?

Suliban #1: Theyíre boarding us! Theyíre boarding us!
Suliban #2: Yeah, but only in reality.

Grenade: BOOOM
Several Invisible Suliban: GAK!
Tucker: Iím glad one of us remembered they could do that.
Reed: (over the comm) Hey! Did someone just blow something up?
Archer: Yes....
Reed: But -- but thatís my -- WAAAAAAAA!
TíPol: Youíve reduced him to tears, Captain. Was that part of your plan?
Archer: Well, I, um....
TíPol: Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Archer: Hereís the central control room.
Tucker: How can you tell? More of your fancy-pants future knowledge?
Archer: The sign outside says No Humans. Thatís how I label my central control room.

Suliban Troopers: Charrrrge!
TíPol: Aw, shoot.
Reed: (over the comm) I thought youíd never ask!
Corridors: BOOOOOOM
Archer: Well done, Malcolm. You shot the Suliban but not us.
Reed: You donít have to rub it in, sir.

Suliban #1: Well, theyíre gone. They attacked us, boarded our ship, stole our CD collection, and escaped scott-free. Will you admit their existence already?
Suliban #2: Your pessimism is lowering the satisfaction level of this entire room.
Suliban #1:That does it. Take your hulking mysticism and bury it!
Suliban #2: ďHulkingĒ? Is that the best you can do?
Suliban #1: There are so few rhymes for ďVulcanĒ....

Forrest: (over the comm) Well done, Jon! Your heroic theft of top-secret information you couldnít possibly have known about will surely clear your name without raising any eyebrows at all.
Archer: Thanks, I thought so. And best of all, we wonít have to actually see Soval this week.
Forrest: Yeah, isnít it odd that he never showed up for these calls?
Janitor: (over the comm) Sir? I locked the doors of the Soval Office this morning just like you asked. Can I have my money now?
Forrest: Er... heh heh.

Jake Sisko: The worst part of being underused is the lack of romance. I barely even got kissing.
Tuvok: You are, however, capable of the reproductive act at any time. I may only perform it once every seven years.
Angel: Yeah? I may only perform it never!
Mayweather: Hey, whatís he doing here? He has his own show!
Bouncer: Some idiot invited him in when he was on Buffy... now we canít get rid of him.

Silik: You want me to go see Archer again? What makes him so special?
Evil Future Guy: He is the One.
Silik: Yeesh. Everybodyís the One these days.
Evil Future Guy: Donít diss the One. Now go away. I have to get ready for my date with the Mighty Evil God from Andromeda.

Archer: ....so after a year of explanations, I finally got it and he brought me back here.
TíPol: Pfft. Like any of that could happen.
Archer: I can prove it! See my T-shirt? ďI traveled back in time and all I got was --Ē
TíPol: Do I have to remind you again of the Vulcan Science Councilís highest law?
Archer: I know, I know. ďTime travel, schmime travel.Ē I just wish I knew how youíve perfected the art of denial so highly.
TíPol: I studied with a great Suliban mystic.

Reed: Um, Captain? Weíre entirely surrounded by warships.
Archer: Thatís a pain. Can we fight our way out?
Reed: It depends on whether we can count on bad aim from them.
Archer: Then itís settled: we fight our way out.
TíPol: Captain, I seriously advise against it. You would need your helmsman, and he isnít here.
Archer: Really? Whoís flying the ship?
TíPol: Our theory is that itís some kid on Earth with a remote control.

Angel: ....and any random twist of fate can turn me evil.
Tuvok: Been there.
Mayweather: That does it! Everybody here is completely lame. Iím leaving.
Bouncer: Sorry, I canít permit that.
Mayweather: What?
Bouncer: Didnít that friend of yours tell you? Thereís no exit from the Underused Charactersí Tavern. You stay a while... you stay forever.
Mayweather: This does not bode well for our hero....

Silik: (over the comm) Pleased to see you again, Captain. And by ďpleasedĒ I mean ďplease note that I have several jillion tons of ammo with your name on it.Ē
Archer: Enough with the pleasantries. What do you want?
Silik: You.
Archer: Ew.
Silik: As a prisoner! We will make you one of us, the Cabalís spokesman to your people. You will be called Loquacious.
Archer: And if I refuse?
Silik: Refusal is irrelevant.

Archer: Iím sorry, crew... I see no choice but to comply with their demands.
Crew: YAAAAY!
Archer: Ahem.
Crew: We mean BOOOO!
Archer: Better. Hoshi, Iím leaving you in charge of my dog. TíPol, youíre in charge of the ship. Feel free to trade if youíre not satisfied.
Reed: What can I be in charge of?
Archer: The light brigade.
Reed: Score! Hey, wait a minute....

Archer: Doo doo de doo doo doo, doo da da doo da --
Computer: Please refrain from singing in the turbolift.
Archer: Sorry. Oh, hi there, devastated future version of Daniels.
Daniels: Hi. Notice how everything is devastated in this future?
Archer: Yeah... you know youíre in a bleak alternate future when the newspaper headline reads ďHuman reaches age of 23.Ē

Silik: (over the comm) Why isnít your captain aboard yet?
TíPol: He probably got lost. Itís happened before.
Silik: Silence! Your ship must be destroyed now!
TíPol: Is that really necessary?
Silik: Yes....
TíPol: Well, oh crap, then.

Archer: Is this the part where we live happily ever after?
Daniels: I donít think so. At this point Iím thinking itís the part where we gape in horror at the ruined cityscape before us.
Archer: Iím still too confused to gape in any realistic horror.
Daniels: You could gape in confusion.
Archer: Seems unoriginal.
Daniels: Look, just make up your mind. I donít wanna be arguing about this for the next three months.
Archer: Three months?
Daniels: There! I knew you could manage a horror gape.

TO BE CONTINUED....

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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over two years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Now that he's done with Enterprise for the year, he can get back to Andromeda. Oh, joy.