Shockwave

See Also: 'Shockwave' Episode Guide

Tucker: Last episode of the year... makes you nostalgic, don�t it?
T�Pol: No.
Tucker: C�mon, T�Pol! Just think about it -- we�re about to begin four months of pure, grade-A boredom. No more Porthos gags... no more weird Hoshi subplots... no more fourth-wall-breaking �talking to the audience� scenes....
T�Pol: When you think of a disadvantage, please inform me.
Tucker: Look, I�m just sayin� we�ve come pretty far. Long road from there to here if you ask me.
T�Pol: You�re right about one thing, Mr. Tucker.
Tucker: What�s that?
T�Pol: It has been a very, very long year.
Tucker: You�re missing the point! On purpose!
Archer: Welcome to my world, Trip.

Sato: The shuttlepod is now preparing to land. Please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated until the pod has come to a complete stop. Thank you for flying Starfleet. (sigh) I can�t believe you made me memorize that. What am I, a stewardess?
Reed: Do we need to go over it again? Repeat after me: �I am not the pilot; I will not try to --�
Archer: Okay, that does it! If you kids don�t stop fighting this minute, I swear I�ll pull this shuttle over and take you both over my knee!
T�Pol: Jon, watch the road! We�re going to --
(FOOOOOM)
Archer, T�Pol, Reed, and Sato: Ohhhh boy.

Tucker: It...it was really the colonists? You�re sure we didn�t just foom some holograms?
Archer: I wish, but we�re already over quota. We�ll have to face the consequences. First of all, Travis....
Mayweather: Yes, sir?
Archer: Take some vacation time. The temptation for me to use you as a scapegoat will be too strong.
Mayweather: But -- but I�ll miss the finale!
T�Pol: It isn�t as though you have lines in it, Ensign.

Archer: ....and then the whole place went up like a Christmas tree made of TNT.
Forrest: (over the comm) Rhymes won�t get you out of this. The Vulcans are so mad they�re threatening to eat your dog.
Porthos: RUFF! RUFF RUFF!
Archer: Don�t you worry, boy. They�d have to eat me first.
Forrest: Really? I�ll tell Soval right away. He didn�t think you�d be up for it.

T�Pol: Can I relieve Archer of duty? He�s moping and brooding.
Phlox: I thought you found that sexy.
T�Pol: Doesn�t mean I�ll pass up a perfect chance to seize power. The reign of T�Pol has begun! Get down on your knees, vassal!
Phlox: This isn�t going to work, Subcommander. If you could get someone relieved just for feeling guilty, Sheridan wouldn�t have lasted ten minutes.
T�Pol: Sorry, I can�t hear you. I�m trying on tiaras.

Archer: Sigh....
Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: Sigh....
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff!
Forrest: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain.
Archer: Do you mind? I�m very busy looking at the colonists� pictures and sighing.
Forrest: I think you�ve been doing that a bit too long. You look dusty and your dog is obviously starving.
Archer: Don�t be silly. If he were, he�d be trying to get my attention.

Reed: Well, I�ve checked out the shuttlepod... there was no sign of sabotage, but I did find several crumpled Doritos bags in the intake.
Sato: I�ll give you ten credits not to tell T�Pol about that.
T�Pol: Too late, you�re on report. Anything else, Mr. Reed?
Reed: Just that I don�t see how it could have been our fault. The chakotaymeter was at zero the whole time, which rules out pilot error, and besides, we�re just such nice guys.
T�Pol: Where�s Travis? I think I can blame this on him.
Reed: Archer sent him away to prevent that.
T�Pol: And the case for relieving Archer builds....

Archer: I have good news and I have bad news. First of all, Enterprise has been ordered back to Earth.
T�Pol: What�s the bad news?
Archer: That tiara really doesn�t work for you.
Tucker: Captain, you can�t just let them do this! We had years of colonist-exploding ahead of us!
T�Pol: And what the spluck is wrong with my tiara?
Archer: That�s enough, you two. Get out before you ruin my broody atmosphere.

Bouncer: Not so fast, buster. You can�t come in unless your name�s on the list.
Mayweather: Oh, hi. A friend of mine gave me your address. What is this place, anyway?
Bouncer: Can�t you read the sign? This is the Underused Characters� Tavern. Now gimme some ID and maybe I won�t throw you across the street.
Mayweather: Underused characters? Hoshi must have made some mistake. See, I�m Travis Mayweather and --
Bouncer: Mayweather? That�s YOU? Holy! Come in, come in! You�re a legend with these guys!

Sato: Well, so much for the mission. I wonder if I can get my old job back.
Reed: The one where you were translating Japanese instruction manuals into the worst English possible?
Sato: Nobody could do it like me. �The step F: Be pressed a most western button counterclockwise but up.�

Archer: I feel so horribly guilty. I don�t deserve to be out here in space.
T�Pol: Darn right.
Archer: Um, T�Pol? This is where you�re supposed to talk me out of my funk.
T�Pol: I like you better in the funk.
Archer: All right, I�ll find someone else to cheer me up. Here, Porthos!
Porthos: Grrrrrrr....
Archer: Sigh. Some days you just can�t be pleased by anybody.

Tucker: Stop whistling cheerily.
Phlox: Geez, who elected you president of Killjoyia?
Tucker: See, that�s exactly what I�m talking about! We�re all crushed, and you insist on looking on the bright side!
Phlox: There�s a reason for that, Mr. Tucker.
Tucker: Yeah? What?
Phlox: I hate you all.

Archer: Yawwwwwn... ZZZZZ
Computer: Wake up, Captain. You�re -8760 hours late for work.
Archer: That�s odd; I�m usually late by positive numbers. Hey, wait a minute. Why is it suddenly Earth outside?
Computer: Might have something to do with the fact that you�re on Earth.
Archer: Whoa! There�s only one possible explanation: I�ve moped myself back in time, just like my mom always warned me!
Computer: Your mom?
Archer: Yeah, she was full of helpful warnings. �Don�t frown or your face will freeze like that.� �Don�t mope or you�ll send yourself back in time.� �Don�t babble or you�ll put your computer to sleep.�
Computer: ZZZZZ
Archer: Oh, very original.

Archer: Time for a test. Archer to Starfleet Medical: do you have a Dr. Phlox working for you?
Nurse: (over the comm) Why, yes. How did you --
Archer: Fire the bum! I�ll thank me later.
Daniels: Well done, Captain. You�re already changing history for the better.
Archer: Oh, it�s you again. Weren�t you dead?
Daniles: Dead like a fox! Seriously, yes and no. We call it the Braxton Paradox.
Archer: Okay then. What did you bring me here for?
Daniels: You know that planet you blew up? You didn�t blow it up.
Archer: With you so far....
Daniels: Now I�m going to give you future information so you can fight back. This is known as �breaking the Temporal Prime Directive because everybody else is doing it.�
Archer: Gotcha.
Daniels: And I picked one year ago because I figure I�ll have to keep explaining it for about that long till you get it.
Archer: Understood. One question, though....
Daniels: Yes?
Archer: What did you bring me here for?
Daniels: Okay, once more from the top. This is gonna be a long year....

Archer: Great news, guys! We get to carry out the mysterious orders of a being of questionable trustworthiness!
T�Pol: This is different from our regular lives... how?
Archer: Shut up and take that stupid tiara off. Trip, your orders are to --
Sato: Wait! Captain, the ship could be bugged. We should communicate in some kind of code.
Archer: Got one in mind?
Sato: Yep. Write down what you want to say to Trip....
Archer: Okay, here.
Sato: Good, now I�ll translate it. (ahem) Mister the Tucker: make to preparing their Grapplizer Device, until he find would by electronically space rockets that invisibleness.
T�Pol: She really is good.

Suliban #1: There�s a ship coming.
Suliban #2: Big deal. They can�t see us with their sensors off.
Suliban #1: Their sensors aren�t off.
Suliban #2: I�m perfectly happy thinking they are.

Reed: We get to go in Daniels� quarters! This is gonna be fun!
Archer: You remember the code for the lock, right?
Reed: Oh, it doesn�t work by a code. See, I took this special strip of transparent adhesive-coated --
Archer: You locked his quarters with Scotch tape?
Reed: If you wanna be all technical about it, yeah.

T�Pol: There�s the ship.
Archer: Okay, let�s get started. Mr. Reed, fire the first salvo --
Sato: Wait!
Archer: What?
Sato: Let me. Mr. or Ms. Reed to be launched a beginning gun weapon at now!
Archer: Hoshi, we�re about to fire at them. Whether they can hear us is kind of a moot point.
Sato: That�s no reason to take reckless chances.
Reed: (over the comm) Can I fire the splucking guns already?

Mayweather: You guys have been here a while, eh?
Uhura: 34 years and counting. You get used to the beer eventually.
Vir Cotto: It still tastes flat to me.
M�Ress: You�ve barely been here five yearsssss, newbie.
Mayweather: Look, I appreciate the warm welcome, but my being here has to be some mistake. I�m not underused.
Everyone: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mayweather: Really! I may get a little less screentime, but Captain Archer can�t be completely equal with all of us. I have faith in him to give me my fair share.
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bouncer: Oh, stop! Stop it, kid! You�re killin� me! Man oh man!

Reed: (over the comm) Target bludgeoned, sir.
Archer: Excellent. On to phase two, where I and the two least dispensible senior officers go aboard the enemy ship.
T�Pol: It�s a classic plan, Captain. Your forefathers will be proud.
Tucker: Yeah, yeah. Let�s just check that chakotaymeter again before we take the pod out, okay?

Suliban #1: They�re boarding us! They�re boarding us!
Suliban #2: Yeah, but only in reality.

Grenade: BOOOM
Several Invisible Suliban: GAK!
Tucker: I�m glad one of us remembered they could do that.
Reed: (over the comm) Hey! Did someone just blow something up?
Archer: Yes....
Reed: But -- but that�s my -- WAAAAAAAA!
T�Pol: You�ve reduced him to tears, Captain. Was that part of your plan?
Archer: Well, I, um....
T�Pol: Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Archer: Here�s the central control room.
Tucker: How can you tell? More of your fancy-pants future knowledge?
Archer: The sign outside says No Humans. That�s how I label my central control room.

Suliban Troopers: Charrrrge!
T�Pol: Aw, shoot.
Reed: (over the comm) I thought you�d never ask!
Corridors: BOOOOOOM
Archer: Well done, Malcolm. You shot the Suliban but not us.
Reed: You don�t have to rub it in, sir.

Suliban #1: Well, they�re gone. They attacked us, boarded our ship, stole our CD collection, and escaped scott-free. Will you admit their existence already?
Suliban #2: Your pessimism is lowering the satisfaction level of this entire room.
Suliban #1:That does it. Take your hulking mysticism and bury it!
Suliban #2: �Hulking�? Is that the best you can do?
Suliban #1: There are so few rhymes for �Vulcan�....

Forrest: (over the comm) Well done, Jon! Your heroic theft of top-secret information you couldn�t possibly have known about will surely clear your name without raising any eyebrows at all.
Archer: Thanks, I thought so. And best of all, we won�t have to actually see Soval this week.
Forrest: Yeah, isn�t it odd that he never showed up for these calls?
Janitor: (over the comm) Sir? I locked the doors of the Soval Office this morning just like you asked. Can I have my money now?
Forrest: Er... heh heh.

Jake Sisko: The worst part of being underused is the lack of romance. I barely even got kissing.
Tuvok: You are, however, capable of the reproductive act at any time. I may only perform it once every seven years.
Angel: Yeah? I may only perform it never!
Mayweather: Hey, what�s he doing here? He has his own show!
Bouncer: Some idiot invited him in when he was on Buffy... now we can�t get rid of him.

Silik: You want me to go see Archer again? What makes him so special?
Evil Future Guy: He is the One.
Silik: Yeesh. Everybody�s the One these days.
Evil Future Guy: Don�t diss the One. Now go away. I have to get ready for my date with the Mighty Evil God from Andromeda.

Archer: ....so after a year of explanations, I finally got it and he brought me back here.
T�Pol: Pfft. Like any of that could happen.
Archer: I can prove it! See my T-shirt? �I traveled back in time and all I got was --�
T�Pol: Do I have to remind you again of the Vulcan Science Council�s highest law?
Archer: I know, I know. �Time travel, schmime travel.� I just wish I knew how you�ve perfected the art of denial so highly.
T�Pol: I studied with a great Suliban mystic.

Reed: Um, Captain? We�re entirely surrounded by warships.
Archer: That�s a pain. Can we fight our way out?
Reed: It depends on whether we can count on bad aim from them.
Archer: Then it�s settled: we fight our way out.
T�Pol: Captain, I seriously advise against it. You would need your helmsman, and he isn�t here.
Archer: Really? Who�s flying the ship?
T�Pol: Our theory is that it�s some kid on Earth with a remote control.

Angel: ....and any random twist of fate can turn me evil.
Tuvok: Been there.
Mayweather: That does it! Everybody here is completely lame. I�m leaving.
Bouncer: Sorry, I can�t permit that.
Mayweather: What?
Bouncer: Didn�t that friend of yours tell you? There�s no exit from the Underused Characters� Tavern. You stay a while... you stay forever.
Mayweather: This does not bode well for our hero....

Silik: (over the comm) Pleased to see you again, Captain. And by �pleased� I mean �please note that I have several jillion tons of ammo with your name on it.�
Archer: Enough with the pleasantries. What do you want?
Silik: You.
Archer: Ew.
Silik: As a prisoner! We will make you one of us, the Cabal�s spokesman to your people. You will be called Loquacious.
Archer: And if I refuse?
Silik: Refusal is irrelevant.

Archer: I�m sorry, crew... I see no choice but to comply with their demands.
Crew: YAAAAY!
Archer: Ahem.
Crew: We mean BOOOO!
Archer: Better. Hoshi, I�m leaving you in charge of my dog. T�Pol, you�re in charge of the ship. Feel free to trade if you�re not satisfied.
Reed: What can I be in charge of?
Archer: The light brigade.
Reed: Score! Hey, wait a minute....

Archer: Doo doo de doo doo doo, doo da da doo da --
Computer: Please refrain from singing in the turbolift.
Archer: Sorry. Oh, hi there, devastated future version of Daniels.
Daniels: Hi. Notice how everything is devastated in this future?
Archer: Yeah... you know you�re in a bleak alternate future when the newspaper headline reads �Human reaches age of 23.�

Silik: (over the comm) Why isn�t your captain aboard yet?
T�Pol: He probably got lost. It�s happened before.
Silik: Silence! Your ship must be destroyed now!
T�Pol: Is that really necessary?
Silik: Yes....
T�Pol: Well, oh crap, then.

Archer: Is this the part where we live happily ever after?
Daniels: I don�t think so. At this point I�m thinking it�s the part where we gape in horror at the ruined cityscape before us.
Archer: I�m still too confused to gape in any realistic horror.
Daniels: You could gape in confusion.
Archer: Seems unoriginal.
Daniels: Look, just make up your mind. I don�t wanna be arguing about this for the next three months.
Archer: Three months?
Daniels: There! I knew you could manage a horror gape.

TO BE CONTINUED....

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