The Killing GameBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:13 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Killing Game' Episode Guide
Klingon Janeway: Today is a good day to -- GAK!
Alpha Hirogen: Man, even Neelix would make a better Klingon than you.
Seven: LA la la la la LA... you know, I find it much easier to remember these lyrics now that I'm brainwashed.
Janeway: Hi. I'm a restaurant owner, not a starship captain.
Alpha: Hi. I'm still a brutal, violent ideologue, just a different kind.
Janeway: We need more supplies. Go get some radio stuff.
Seven: I'd much rather get lots and lots of guns.
Tuvok: That sounds like rebellious talk. Let's become suspicious.
Beta Hirogen: I hate you and wish you were dead.
Neelix: I get that a lot.
Janeway: This top-secret meeting of the Maquis will now come to order.
Neelix: You mean the French Resistance, right?
Janeway: Er... yes, of course. Let's read the secret message.
Torres: It says "We, the macho Americans, are coming to save all you cheese-eating surrender monkeys."
Tuvok: Excellent! Of course, we'll have to kill them for that when they arrive.
Alpha: So tell me, why are you Germans better than everybody else?
Nazi: Because we are. And shouldn't that be "we Germans"?
Alpha: Rather than answer that question, I will beat you up.
Torres: Hi. Mind if I look around and see where all your important equipment is, honey?
Nazi: OW! Can't... breathe....
Beta: To heck with the hands-off policy. Die, Talaxian swine!
Neelix and Seven: GAK!
Beta: Oops. I really need to work on my aim.
Alpha: The holodecks still aren't big enough. Keep expanding them.
Kim: Why? Holodecks can simulate infinite space for an arbitrary number of people. One deck is enough to accomodate all your men.
Alpha: Let's keep common sense out of this.
Kim: Doc, you have to help me fight these Hirogen.
Doc: I like that. It makes a clever metaphorical parallel to the Nazi stuff.
Kim: Really? Hey, cool! I missed that.
Alpha: Our society is doomed. We can save it only by playing games on the holodeck.
Beta: I may have to kill you later.
Doc: ...and then I'll deactivate the brainwashing gizmo, restoring your mind.
Seven: But then I'll forget my character's knowledge. Won't the others get suspicious and shoot me?
Seven: LA la la la la L--ohhhhhh heck, I just forgot the words.
Janeway: Uh oh. Let's get more suspicious.
Tuvok: And then shoot her?
Chakotay: Tomorrow we macho Americans attack. Our mission: save the French.
Chakotay: What? That's our mission.
Paris: It's funny when you say it, sir.
Janeway: Okay, here's the plan. Tuvok will wander the streets firing a machine gun, Torres will somehow guard the restaurant despite her pregnancy, and Seven will -- um, Seven, please stop sabotaging our grenades.
Kim: So the plan works like this: I secretly do something on the bridge, then Seven secretly does something on the holodeck, then you secretly do something in sickbay, then we're all caught and we end up freeing only Janeway.
Doc: Whatever happened to your youthful optimism?
Kim: I lost it in a poker game last week.
Janeway: Here we are in the Nazi bunker.
Seven: Don't mind me, I'll be over here manipulating futuristic technology.
Hirogen: Hey! Stop freeing the prisoners!
Doc: Tell me... if the Alpha and the Beta both outrank you, does that make you the Gamma?
Hirogen: Um... er....
Doc: That should buy me some time.
Janeway: Hey, you're betraying me! I'll have to make you die.
Seven: Unless, of course, your neural interface shuts down just in time.
Janeway: Yeah, like that's gonna -- OW!
Neelix: Hi, look at me, I'm a Klingon, this is my token scene in Part I, yada yada.
Tuvok: Eat flaming death, Hirogen Nazi scum!
Chakotay: Hi Tuvok. I see you have a Tommy gun.
Tuvok: Yep. I was hoping to use it on Tommy, but hey.
Paris: Whew! I think I escaped Tuvok....
Paris: ...I have not, however, escaped P/T.
Nazi Headquarters: KABOOM
Kim: Uh oh. That explosion somehow blew the Holodeck open.
Alpha: What? How the heck does that work?
Kim: Look, when things make sense, I don't say "somehow."
Tuvok: There seems to be a big glowing hole in the universe.
Chakotay: Oo, let's invade it!
Seven: ....and that's what happened in Part I.
Janeway: We need a plan. Mine is to un-brainwash everybody.
Seven: That's much better than mine was.
Janeway: What was yours?
Seven: Four words: "army of jet-propelled penguins."
Kim: The holodeck's gone crazy. We should shut it down.
Alpha: Are you stupid or something? Don't you understand that our very lives depend on keeping the program running?
Beta: By "our very lives," you mean "the plot," right?
Alpha: Pretty much.
Chakotay: Thanks for the help, my froggy friends. Now get lost so we macho Americans can save your derrières.
Tuvok: Obey him -- he speaks the language.
Paris: I see you're pregnant. Either that or you've been eating way too many éclairs.
Torres: Tact can be fun. You should try it some time.
Janeway: We're back! We miraculously survived the destruction of the bunker.
Chakotay: My bosses have decided once wasn't enough, so we're going to blow it up again.
Janeway: Instead of doing that, why not crawl through some tubes with me?
Chakotay: Sounds like fun.
Janeway: I've decided not to shoot Seven.
Tuvok: May I?
Paris: Hmm...you're Asian. This being World War II, I'd better shoot you unless you can prove you're from America.
Kim: I can sing the Davy Crockett theme song. "Davey, Daaaaaaaavey Crockett--"
Paris: Stop that. You pass.
Janeway: I need to un-brainwash the crew.
Doc: Let's see...the opposite of "wash" is "make dirty," so we have to find some way to give the crew dirty minds. Has Tom come up with any NC-17 holoprograms yet?
Janeway: Forget it, I'll just blow up Sickbay.
Hirogen: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Janeway: Hi there. You might be interested to know that there is an enormous quantity of dynamite right underneath you.
Hirogen: That doesn't interest me at a--
Chakotay: Ouch...a six-O explosion. That'll take a while to fix.
Janeway: No it won't.
Tuvok: Hey, suddenly I remember! I'm not a boring French Resistance guy, I'm a boring Vulcan guy!
Torres: And I'm not pregnant, only my actress is!
Paris: And I'm not an American womanizer, I'm... well, I'm a different American womanizer.
Nazi: And now you're all hostages.
Klingons: Let's go fight.
Doc: I'm a doctor, not a --
Klingons: And that line is getting real old, buster.
Janeway: You jerk. You've been torturing my people.
Alpha: Yes, but it's to bring about big changes for the better among my people.
Janeway: Well, that's different. Let's make a short-lived alliance.
Beta: Sing, Borg girl.
Seven: Oh, you like my voice?
Beta: Well, you're no Tim Russ, but...
Seven: Hey! Forget it.
Alpha: (over the comm) Pack up the guns -- we're wimping out.
Beta: Will do.
Nazi: You should rebel instead.
Beta: Will do.
Doc: The others need help.
Neelix: Hey guys, let's go fight some Nazis!
Klingons: OOO! Road trip!
Janeway: You expanded the holodecks? But just one is enough to--
Alpha: Save it, Kim gave me the whole trip. GAK!
Janeway: Hey! What was that for?
Beta: Spite. Run along now.
Kim: I can now shut down the holodeck at will, but I'll still set the timer for nine minutes. That'll teach Janeway not to promote me.
Chakotay: I feel like I'm trapped in a Risk game.
Janeway: If you move, I'll shoot you.
Beta: Move, move, move....
Janeway's Gun: BLAM
Beta: Ow. I guess that's what I get for skipping the chapter about conditionals in grammar class.
Chakotay: And that's that.
Captain's Log: We kicked their butts! Yahoo!
Janeway: Have some holodeck tech.
Hirogen: What if it kills us all in three years?
Janeway: Don't worry about it.
(Voyager limps off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.