Scorpion, Part OneBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:07 PM GMT
See Also: 'Scorpion, Part One' Episode Guide
Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks. AAAAAGGGH!
Janeway: Hey Leonardo, airplanes don't flap their wings.
Da Vinci: Oh yeah.
Chakotay: Um, Captain, the Borg just got our probe.
Janeway: Borg space is large.
Tuvok: Let's cross it anyway and hope we don't get caught.
Chakotay: I vote we use this suspicious Borg-free zone.
Doc: ...and then Mr. Drone jabs these tubes into Mr. You, and you become Mr. Other Drone. And you both live irrelevantly ever after.
Kes: So that's how it works. Hey, I'm having a vision.
Tuvok: According to Kes, we're all going to die.
Kim: Here come fifteen Borg cubes!
Tuvok: That would do it.
Janeway: They scanned us and left. Cool.
Janeway: I don't like the Borg.
Chakotay: Me neither.
Janeway: I like you, though. I think I'll briefly put my hand on your chest.
Chakotay: The J/Cers would like it better if we kissed.
Janeway: Don't push it, flyboy.
Kim: Yikes, somebody iced the Borg!
Janeway: Must be those guys in the little ship. Chakotay, go bring them Harry to emaciate.
Borg: You will be assimilated.
8742 Biomass: Bite me.
Chakotay: Hmm...that's creepy. Let's split up so they only get Harry.
Kim: YEAUUUUUUGH! Man, that stings!
Kes: Yikes, another vision!
Janeway: What is it? What did they say?
Kim: I'm dying over here, and she pays attention to Kes?
Neelix: Give her a break, she's leaving in two episodes!
Janeway: So how do we fix Harry?
Doc: We'll have to use Borg technology. Hint, hint.
Torres: Our Borg-free zone is full of those new guys!
Chakotay: Hey, I've got an idea: let's not go in there.
Leonardo: If I were you, I'd ask God for a hand.
Janeway: Screw God, I'm going Satanist.
Janeway: So we give the Borg the new technology Doc hasn't quite invented yet, and in exchange they'll generously let us hitchhike across their space.
Tuvok: I'd comment on that logic, but why bother?
Chakotay: You can't do this!
Janeway: Watch me!
Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Janeway: Bite me. I know something you don't know.
The Collective: All right, whaddaya want?
Janeway: We want out of your space.
The Collective: Hold that thought....here come the 8472s.
Janeway: Okay, the plan's working. I'll be over here for a while.
Chakotay: I can't let you stay alone in that hell!
Janeway: Agreed. Tuvok, please come join me.
Chakotay: You heard her, go to hell.
Doc: Does it hurt when I do this, Harry?
Kes: He can't talk.
Doc: I know, but I like frustrating him.
Kes: I see. By the way, the 8472s say they're watching us.
The Collective: Here, try this on.
Janeway: I don't think so.
The Collective: Oh, pooh. How can we communicate if we don't get to read your innermost thoughts?
Tuvok: How about giving us a new major character? We heard you assimilated Jeri Ryan....
Seven of Nine: Let's use these massive Borgpedoes.
Janeway: No. We're going to use our little torpedoes.
Seven: You're no fun.
Chakotay: The 8472s are messing with Kes.
Janeway: Let's just keep this up and hope they stop.
Chakotay: They just opened fire on us!
Janeway: Anybody got a plan B?
Seven: All right, all right, but you owe me a cube.
Chakotay: What are all these Borg doing in our cargo bay?
Tuvok: Looks like the backstroke, sir. OW!
Chakotay: Can I borrow your alliance while you're lying near death?
Janeway: Okay, but you'd better not break it!
Seven: Turn the ship around.
Chakotay: No. In fact, I'm ending the alliance; you guys give me the willies.
Seven: Humans. Heh.
Chakotay: Sorry, Captain, I broke your alliance. I promise I'll buy you a new one as soon as we get home.
The Collective: Time to steal the ship.
Tuvok: Hey, they're stealing the ship!
Chakotay: Okay, now I'm really mad! Kill them all! ALL! HAHAHAHAHA!
Tuvok: They stole us anyway. And one survived.
Kim: Ten to one it's Jeri.
Seven: They'll be here soon. Let's get ready to blow them up.
Chakotay: So what you're saying is, you started the war?
Seven: Look, help or die, okay?
Janeway: You broke my alliance! How could you?
Chakotay: I had no choice! Those drones were spooky!
Janeway: Well, now it's my turn to have no choice. War time.
Janeway: Kes, warn the 8472s we're about to blow them up.
Kes: They don't care.
Janeway: Works for me. Blow 'em up, boys.
Janeway: Ahh! Good to be back in real space.
Tuvok: Here comes a massive Bad Guy fleet!
Janeway: They can bite me. Blow 'em up, boys.
Seven: Yay, we win! Time to betray you.
Chakotay: Excuse me while I distract you so we can fry your brain.
Janeway: So 8472's defeated, the Collective's humbled, and we've picked up a new major character. Pretty sweet, all round.
Chakotay: Yep. Let's walk offscreen together to make way for a gratuitous Jeri shot.
Janeway: Works for me. And for the J/Cers.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.