ParadiseBy Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 4:01 PM GMT
See Also: 'Paradise' Episode Guide
Station Log: Starfleet has asked us to find an Eden on our side of the Neutral Zone.
Sisko: So I want you to train Jake to be a Starfleet officer without him becoming like Wesley Crusher.
O'Brien: What if he doesn't want to be a Starfleet officer?
Sisko: Then I'll blame Nog.
O'Brien: And what if Nog becomes a Starfleet officer?
Sisko: Then I'll blame it on the rain.
O'Brien: Crap. All my instruments just went dead.
Sisko: I bet it's that probe from Star Trek IV coming this way.
O'Brien: Does this planet have any whales?
Vinod: It used to have some nice white ones, but my mom relentlessly pursued and killed them all.
Sisko: This does not bode well.
Sisko: How did you survive here without any technology?
Alixus: We were alone... in an uncharted --
Sisko: Yeah, great. You were alone, let's go home.
Alixus: We can't. The technobabble doesn't work.
O'Brien: Why don't you just leave the area and use technobabble there?
Alixus: For that matter why don't you?
O'Brien: Good question.
O'Brien: What're you reading?
Sisko: Alixus's books. She's written books comparing herself to Janeway, Winn, and other famous cult leaders.
O'Brien: Why Janeway Won't Go Far Enough in "Equinox"?
Sisko: Yeah, she also thinks she can see the future.
Sisko: So where's your technology?
Joseph: We threw it away, and in doing so we learned an important truth --
Cassandra: Oh no, Meg's turning into an iceman!
Joseph: People will believe whatever you tell them.
Sisko: Ha! That will never work on me. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to go see the iceman.
Joseph: All right, Stephan. You can come out of the box now.
Sisko: What was he in there for?
Alixus: He stole a small candle and kept it lit.
Stephan: That little light of mine? I wanted to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
Sisko: Look how delirious you've made him, he's repeating himself.
Alixus: Actually, he always does that.
Sisko: I'm going to let Stephan's light shine, and I won't let anyone put it out.
Sisko: I can't believe you sent Cassandra to sleep with me. I find you contemptible.
Alixus: One more word from you and you'll be standing watch tonight.
Alixus: That was one more word.
Sisko: Hey! You can't throw O'Brien in the box for playing with technobabble; that's my job!
Alixus: One more word and I'll put you in the box.
Alixus: Who wants ice cream?
Sisko: Oo! I do!
Alixus: Ha! That was three more words! In you go.
Alixus: Are you off your box? There aren't any lights.
Sisko: Well, I thought it was clever.
Alixus: If you really wanted to be clever, you could change out of your uniform before I throw clothes-eating acid on it.
Sisko: Better yet I could get back in the box. Then I'd be boxing clever!
O'Brien: Will you help me?
Joseph: No, but I will let you knock me out so you can escape.
O'Brien: Thanks! Trust me, this won't hurt a bit.
O'Brien: Sorry, Vulcans make it look so easy.
O'Brien: Hey, it's a technobabble inhibitor that runs on technobabble. How ironic.
Vinod: Almost as ironic as me shooting you with an arrow.
O'Brien: That's not ironic. Ironic is me using your bow-string to tie you up.
Vinod: Great. Now I have a broken bow.
Sisko: Free at last; free at last. Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!
Alixus: Alright, I admit it. I stranded us here.
Joseph: So we were never just on a three-hour tour?
Alixus: Nope. I had always planned for us to set ground on this uncharted desert isle, er, planet.
Sisko: That's it. You're coming with me, lady.
Alixus: Coming where? Your ship is gone; no one is looking for you.
Kira: (over the comm) You only think that because our subplot has been left out of the fiver.
O'Brien: Allright, everyone. Come with us.
Joseph: For reasons that are beyond all our comprehension, we'd like to stay where we can be reminded of the people who needlessly died and of the woman who suckered us into this lifestyle.
O'Brien: You're not scared I'm going to try neck-pinching you again, are you?
Joseph: No, no, of course not.
O'Brien: You're not fooling me. Maybe a mind meld will help you out.
(O'Brien attempts a mind meld at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.