Archer: Reed, fire two aft torpedoes. No particular reason.
Xyrillians: (over the comm) AAAA! Don't shoot! We're so pathetic we can't even fix our own engines!
Archer: "Xyrillians"? Holy cow! That is absolutely the coolest alien name there will ever be!
Xyrillians: Were you listening? We said "we can't even fix--"
Archer: I mean, an X! An X right at the start! You guys are my heroes!
Archer: So anyway, we agreed to have you fix their engines in exchange for a big bag of nothing.
Tucker: Sounds fair. Will I need any special supplies?
T'Pol: They mentioned something about looking for things to make them go.
Trena'L: Welcome to the Ship of Confusion. Here, meet our only important character.
Ah'Len: Please note my T'Pol-style catsuit.
Tucker: Noted. Now let me just remember that first contact speech I'm supposed to make....oh yeah. (ahem) Greetings, little worms. I have come to discuss the details of your surrender!
Trena'L and Ah'Len: Ummm....
Tucker: Oops! Wrong speech. Pretend you didn't hear that.
Ah'Len: Here's our engine room.
Tucker: This is a fish tank with eels in it.
Ah'Len: Why, so it is. Maybe that's why we've had so much trouble with repairs.
Tucker: I don't feel so good, Captain. Everything looks--
Archer: Don't say it--
Tucker: --really--
Archer: I'm warning you--
Tucker: --trippy.
Archer: That does it. You've crossed the line. No dessert ever again!
Ah'Len: Have some jello, since we can't make water.
Tucker: That's not even worth making fun of. Let's develop some romantic tension instead.
Ah'Len: Sure -- but first you must answer a skill-testing question. What's the square root of 961?
Tucker: Uzbekistan?
Ah'Len: You pass.
Ah'Len: Check this out -- we have a room that creates holographic environments.
Tucker: Wow! Not even the Vulcans have technology this awe-inspiring and error-prone.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Oh, like we'd tell you if we did.
Ah'Len: Let's stick our hands in a telepathic box!
Tucker: I'm so nervous. This is my first time...what if I don't measure up? And what about the risks? Should we wear gloves?
Ah'Len: No no, that would lessen the experience. And let's not worry about...accidents. What are the odds?
Tucker: Well, I had fun, but it cost me all my desserts for the rest of my life.
Mayweather: Just desserts? You got off easy.
Tucker: ...and they also had this holodeck thing.
Reed: If you're not going to talk about weapons, don't talk to me.
Tucker: No no, I am. Just give your enemies a holodeck and they'll be too busy simulating Jolene Blalock to fight back.
T'Pol: Hey!
Phlox: There's no easy way to say this: HA HA! You're pregnant! In your face! Loooooser!
Tucker: That looked pretty easy to me.
Phlox: Oh, it was.
Archer: He's pregnant? HA HA! In his--
Phlox: I got the gloating done already, sir.
Tucker: You can both shut up.
T'Pol: You know, you're an amazing person, Trip. Every single time I think the human race can't get any more pathetic, you manage to raise the bar.
Tucker: Never mind, guys -- you can talk again. See if you can drown out T'Pol.
Tucker: Hmmm...how can I make sure these random crewmen don't find out I'm pregnant?
Random Crewman: You could try not thinking out loud.
Tucker: Yeah, good idea.
Archer: How's the pregnancy coming?
Tucker: Not bad. I've been reading this male-pregnancy book Phlox loaned me: What To Expect When You're Expecting, Sucker. Which reminds me, I'm planning to kill Phlox. Want in?
T'Pol: We found the Klingons, sir.
Archer: We were looking for the Xyrillians, not the Klingons!
T'Pol: Oh, we found them too. I just didn't feel like telling you.
Archer: Hoshi, you speak Klingon. Say something diplomatic to them.
Sato: Okay. (ahem) Gkewsner sdpofw ekfis. aerFir skiu nerruspd kra!
Archer: What the--? They're firing at us! What did you say to them?
Sato: Just the standard first contact message. You know, "Greetings, little worms...."
Klingon: (over the comm) And why should we allow this girly man of yours to see the Xyrillians?
Tucker: I'll thank you not to mock my predicament!
Archer: Er, Trip? I haven't told them you're pregnant yet.
Tucker: You knocked me up. I suggested gloves, but nooooo....
Ah'Len: Sorry. Please accept my apology and reassurances that this whole thing will have no consequences whatsoever.
Tucker: Consequences? You're just lucky I wasn't smart enough to figure out how your holodeck worked and build one for myself.
Ah'Len: That was why I gave you the skill-testing question.
Klingon: (over the comm) Well, you're still scum, but thanks for enabling us to get holodecks.
Archer: No problem. So T'Pol, how many years do you think we've set the Klingon Empire back by? Fifty? A hundred?
T'Pol: Two hundred at the very least, sir.
Archer: This whole business has made me pity you, Trip. You can have your desserts back.
Tucker: Thanks. Oh, Phlox, I got you this book.
Phlox: What to Expect When You're Expecting to Be Assassinated?
(Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
Add TrekToday RSS feed to your news reader or My Yahoo!
Also a Desperate Housewives fan? Then visit GetDesperate.com!
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He is not, nor has he at any point been, pregnant.
