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The Trek Nation - Hatchery

Hatchery

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at June 9, 2004 - 4:28 AM GMT

Sato: Mmm. You have a comfy couch.
Mayweather: Yeah, it turns out you're more likely to get a raise on this ship if you keep your mouth shut.
Sato: I'm so glad we got together. Now we have both companionship and something to do with all that spare time.
Mayweather: And our own subplot, too! Finally everything is going our way!
(DUN DUN DUMMMM)
Sato: I think we should take that as a friendly reminder to knock on wood.

Reed: Hey, there's a Xindi ship on that planet.
Archer: Have we seen that kind before?
Reed: Let's figure it out by examining the debris after I --
Archer: I don't think so. We'll take an away team down.
T'Pol: Acknowledged. T'Pol to all essential personnel....

Archer: There's breathable air in here. We can take our helmets off.
Reed: Ohhhh no, I'm not falling for that one again.
T'Pol: The adult insectoids are dead. However, I am detecting DNA identical to theirs inside these egg sacs.
Tucker: Must be their kids.
T'Pol: Actually, identical DNA should mean clones. But given that this device has no business being able to read entire genomes without even taking a sample, I'm not inclined to trust it. Children it is.

Hayes: This must be an assault shuttle. Look at all the weapons.
Reed: Pfft. I have more weapons than this on my person.
Hayes: I wasn't going to say anything, but your uniform did seem pretty crowded today.

Tucker: These critters won't last long. Life support is failin'.
Archer: Can you fix it?
Tucker: You think we should? Chef says insects are full of protein.
Archer: I don't intend to encourage his penchant for cooking ani--
Tendril: SQUIRT
T'Pol: Oh no! The captain's been bug-sprayed!

Phlox: He'll be fine. The spray had no more effect than, say, an alien spore might.
Archer: Now that that's cleared up, back to business. Phlox, we're bringing you some corpses.
Phlox: I'll make sure Hoshi's on hand to scream at them.
Archer: Actually, we need Hoshi to translate the alien databanks. You'll have to scream yourself.
Phlox: Pfft, like she's actually working these days....

Mayweather: We enter the secluded grove. Moonlight glimmers through the trees.
Sato: I step closer to you and whisper --
Mayweather: Just then, an orc bursts into the clearing! He's armed with an Axe of Chopping and duranium armour.
Sato: Can't he wait a bit? We had a nice romantic scenario.
Mayweather: Who's your DM? Huh?

Hayes: (boot boot boot)
Reed: They're dead, you know. We re-killed them five ways before we brought them aboard the pod.
Hayes: Can't be too careful.
Reed: Yes you can. It's called "paranoia."
Hayes: You're only saying that because you're out to get me.

T'Pol: It appears the insectoids did not die on impact. They transferred their life support to the hatchery. Then they died of boredom.
Archer: I guess the Russians love their children too.
Tucker: You mean the insectoids?
Archer: Yeah, the Russian insectoids. In Soviet Russia, insect oids you.
Tucker: Uh... huh. Anyway, I assume we're resumin' course for Azati Prime?
Archer: Right after we save the bugs. Get started on fixing their life support.
T'Pol and Tucker: Huh?
Archer: Should I speak slower? Gggggeeeeetttt ssssttttaaarrrrtttteeeeddd....

Captain's Log: I believe we're doing the right thing by saving these little monsters. Once they're adults it'll be okay to kill them.

Reed: I can't believe we're not blowing these insects halfway to Alpha Centauri.
Mayweather: Yeah, our mission is really important. We don't have time for side quests, even if we get useful items from them.
Tucker: Stop questionin' the captain! Both of you should be ashamed. Ashamed.
Mayweather: Sorry, sir.
Reed: See, we could actually do that if we set the yield on the torpedoes high en--
Tucker: ASHAMED!

Sato: Travis is so sweet. He brought me flowers today. They were man-eating, but Phlox is the only person on the ship you can get flowers from.
T'Pol: I'm so glad you're telling me this. Nothing, nothing fascinates me more than the details of human relationships.
Sato: Oh, fine, I'll leave you alone. I just wanted to girl-talk with someone.
T'Pol: Mr. Reed is off duty.

Archer: Are you done analyzing the insectoid corpses?
Phlox: Oh, that. I stopped when I discovered they reproduce asexually. They're of no interest to me.
Archer: But I need to know how long the eggs will take to hatch!
Phlox: Get an egg timer.

Archer: What took you two so long?
Tucker: The MACOs at the door insisted on strip-searchin' us. I get that in T'Pol's case, but me? That's just disturbin'.
T'Pol: Agreed. Who would want to see a human naked?
Archer: I just decided we needed security tightened. It's mostly Phlox I'm worried about. Some of his creatures eat insect eggs, and I think he does too.
Tucker: Well, anyway, I'll bring life support online. Here goes.
(FRITZZZ)
T'Pol: Don't tell us: it's on the fritz.
Archer: AAAAAAA! Archer to Phlox: Two bug eggs got cracked! ...Phlox?
T'Pol: He's there. I can hear him licking his lips.

Phlox: I'm sorry, Captain. I couldn't save them.
Archer: Couldn't... or wouldn't?
Phlox: I guess you'll never know, will you?
Archer: Dammit! Trip, what went wrong with the life support?
Tucker: There wasn't enough antimatter.
T'Pol: Antimatter, as you know, is famous for its life-preserving properties.
Archer: Then we'll give them some of ours!
Tucker: What? Cap'n, we're running low already....
Archer: You're right. We'd better give them all of ours.

Reed: Even the antimatter in the torpedoes? He's clearly lost all perspective.
Tucker: How do you know? Have you tried to draw his vanishing point?
T'Pol: Shh. Ensign Sato will hear you. (pause) On second thought, speak up.
Tucker: Sigh... I think you guys may be right. Someone better talk sense into him.
T'Pol: Why are you both poking me? Stop it. I said stop. Now. All right, fine! I'll go talk to him.

Archer: (My bugs... my precious bugs....)
T'Pol: Captain, I am concerned. I think your objectivity is in question.
Archer: Are you questioning my objectivity?
T'Pol: ....Words have never failed me quite so thoroughly.
Archer: Then what good are you? You're relieved.

Chakotay: Enough talk, Kathryn! I must have you now!
Janeway: Oh, Chakotay. You're all man. You're as manly as the manliest tree on the Isle of Man. You --
Sato: I don't know. Would Janeway really talk that way?
Mayweather: No woman would talk normally when confronted with the rugged manliness of Chakotay. Isn't this fun, writing fanfic together?
Sato: Sure, but wouldn't it be more fun if the story had a plot?
Mayweather: Blasphemy!

Tucker: Cap'n, I hear -- AAA! You coulda told me you just got outta the shower!
Archer: I've decided not to be hung up about clothes anymore. I'm learning from the wisdom of the insectoids.
Tucker: Yeah, that. I hafta admit T'Pol's not the only one who's not sure we should be savin' the bugs. She's just the only one who got poked enough to confront you about it.
Archer: Well, first of all, I'm not really mad at T'Pol. This is just a nerve pinch on the wrist for questioning me.
Tucker: Ah.
Archer: As for the bugs, my great-grandfather was in the Eugenics Wars...
Tucker: The what?
Archer: ...and he once interrupted a battle to save a school full of children, because he knew there might be bugs in there too. I take my lessons from history.
Tucker: Fair enough. I take most of mine from School House Rock.

Hayes: Check out this battle simulation. I found an easy way to destroy insectoid ships.
Reed: Really? What is it?
Hayes: Shoot them.
Reed: You're a bloody genius.

Tucker: I can't talk long. The guard thinks I'm here to deliver pizza.
T'Pol: You and Phlox must find out if the captain has been affected mentally. First, determine whether he has a mind. Second --
Tucker: There's no need to insult him just because he's gone bug-crazy.
T'Pol: You're right. I should focus on insulting you.

Mayweather: Uh oh. An insectoid ship just arrived.
Reed: Fire the grappler!
Mayweather: Wouldn't it be faster with our normal weapons?
Reed: I'll be damned if I'm using Hayes' plan.

Archer: You WHAT?
Reed: Sir, you knew when you left me in command that I'd blow up anything that moved....
Archer: You're relieved! Hayes is tactical officer now!
Reed: Hayes? HAYES? ....Travis, I'm afraid I need my seppuku knife back.
Mayweather: But I need it for tonight's dinner! How else are the carrots going to chop themselves?

Archer: You'll be in command now when I'm off the ship. Do you know what to do?
Hayes: Absolutely everything you say and nothing you don't say SIR!
Archer: Good. First of all, I authorize you to breathe.
Hayes: Whew! I was worried about that.

Mario: GAK!
Mayweather: Come on, I explained this already. A is jump, B is shoot.
Sato: I know what the buttons are! It's not my fault Mario has more momentum than a Warp 5 starship with a momentum collection!
Mayweather: Okay, okay. We'll play something else.
Sato: Travis, I know I said I wanted to get to know you and your interests, but would it be okay if I picked our next activity?
Mayweather: Hmm... as long as it's not rock climbing.

Tucker: Cap'n, can we talk to you for a sec?
Archer: No.
Phlox: Then may we scan you with a concealed tricorder instead?
Archer: Only if I don't spot it.

Phlox: No good. His scans are normal, for a Rhesus monkey.
Tucker: Heyyyy, this is just a taped-on picture from National Geographic.
Phlox: Pretty good gag, eh? Seriously, they're normal. We can't relieve him on medical grounds, only kill him.
Tucker: You can kill officers on medical grounds?
Phlox: I can kill species on medical grounds.

Archer: (My precious, precious bugssss...)
Egg: CRACK
Archer: GASP! There's CRACK in here? Oh God, this is every parent's nightmare!

Tucker: Hey, you ever read Shakespeare in the original Klingon?
Corporal Chang: Huh? (KLONK)
Reed: Wow, he dropped like a lawyer out a twelfth-floor window. What exactly was in that hypospray?
Phlox: Ice-9. We can thaw him in the microwave when we're done.

T'Pol: We must execute our plan swiftly. Our first priority: secure Cargo Bay 2.
Tucker: How come?
T'Pol: As a, um, base of operations. Then we need to retake the bridge and secure the captain.
Reed: I volunteer to kill Hayes.
T'Pol: Unnecessary. A Hayesmaker will suffice.
Reed: Well, maybe that'll at least bruise him. Then he'll be a purple Hayes.

Archer: Guards! Get back to the ship! I vant to be alone!
Guard: We'll give the crew your re-Gretas.

T'Pol: (This disguise is perfect.)
MACO: Hey! Nobody's worn those baseball caps since Season 1!
T'Pol: Damn. I see you boys did your research. I'll have to knock you out.
MACO: Well, if we had to get knocked out, at least it's by a woman in a cool hat.

Bugs: SKITTER SKITTER
Tucker: I guess the eggs hatched. Cap'n? You in there?
Archer: I am the Bug.
Tucker: That is an ant-radiction. The Bug have a insective consciousness -- there are no individu-ants.
Archer: I am the bug-inning and the ant, the worm who is many. I -- OW!
Tucker: You lose. Worms aren't insects.

Reed: Nobody move! We have you surrounded!
Hayes: Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well, we're not going to surrender! We'll fight back!
Reed: Did the captain tell you to?
Hayes: ...Oh. Good point. Stand down, men.

Acting Captain's Log: The ship, Captain Archer, and above all, Cargo Bay 2 are now safe. Next time I am on Vulcan, I look forward to contacting the drama teachers who failed me in grade school and informing them that I have been an acting captain.

Phlox: Mystery solved. Thanks to reverse imprinting, the captain thought he was the insects' mother.
Tucker: He thought he had lizard babies? That's beyond the threshold of sanity.
Phlox: Who said anything about lizards?
T'Pol: Mr. Tucker is apparently willing to bend the truth for a good reference.

Hayes: I wish you'd trusted me about your plan.
Reed: One, you would have betrayed us in one-twelfth the time it took to tell you.
Hayes: Obviously. And two?
Reed: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Me? Trust YOU? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sato: Sigh.
T'Pol: Back for more girl talk? I am prepared. I brought large earplugs to jam in your mouth.
Sato: Can you give me some advice? You seem to know your way around men.
T'Pol: ....Yessss.
Sato: I'm starting to wonder if Travis and I are right for each other. He's a great guy, but he's just... well... a bit of a dork....
T'Pol: I can, indeed, relate. Come with me. I will teach you how to destroy him.
Sato: I don't want to destroy him!
T'Pol: You will, young padawan. You will.

Tucker: How's the recovery comin', Cap'n?
Archer: I'll be okay. I feel pretty bad about the things I did.
Tucker: Don't worry. You'll make it up to us. Remember that time T'Pol made you read out a confession of ineptitude to all hands?
Archer: Right, with the fermented goat's milk and the illogic sucks and -- oh no. You're not seriously....
Tucker: We've each prepared one. You can read 'em at your convenience.
Archer: (sigh) At least Porthos still respects me. Right, boy?
Phlox: Ruff.
Archer: What do you mean you wrote one too?
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. The incident Trip mentions in the last scene occurred in "Fortunate Son," arguably the fiver where Five-Minute Enterprise jumped its first shark.