Mayweather: So what's our mission?
Tucker: To go find you some character development already. Everybody's pretty sick of your eager beaver act.
T'Pol: Personally, I'd rather just kill you and be done with it.
Mayweather: You can't kill me -- my knowledge of cargo ships will be needed for this mission! Ha ha!
T'Pol: Obviously. If it weren't, I'd have killed you already.
Ryan: Welcome to the Fortunate. We're aware of the irony.
Archer: Thanks. This guy's Reed, I'm Johnny, that's the Thing --
Phlox: I asked you to stop calling me that!
Archer: -- and this is the Invisible Woman. Together we are...(BUM BUM BUM)...the Fantastic Four!
Shaw: Hey, that woman looks pretty visible to me....
T'Pol: It's an off-and-on thing. For example, when I give Archer advice, I'm invisible for all practical purposes.
Phlox: Your captain should be all better soon.
Ryan: What, better than me?
Phlox: At captaincy? He's already better at that, even while comatose.
Ryan: Yeah, but I'm way better at being similar to that Max guy from 'Equinox.'
Phlox: Touché.
Ryan: Give us the information, Nausicaan scum!
Prisoner: What's the magic word?
Ryan: Hmm...'syzygy'?
Prisoner: No.
Ryan: Rats. Well, let's do this methodically -- Shaw, start reading out the dictionary.
Mayweather: That's our transporter. We fear and loathe it, but we needed something to put in that room.
Ryan: Wow, you Starfleet people are so high-tech. Watch me resent you.
Mayweather: Okay, but let's eat first. It's not safe to hate on a full stomach. Besides, we have a great chef.
Ryan: I collect chili recipes -- think he'll give me his?
Mayweather: You don't want to go there. Trust me.
Shaw: 'Cozenage'?
Nausicaan: No.
Shaw: 'Cozy'?
Nausicaan: No.
Shaw: 'Crab'?
Nausicaan: No.
Kid 1: Can I hide here? Thanks!
T'Pol: Uh--
Kid 2: Hi. Do you know where Kid 1 is hiding?
T'Pol: No, your numbering system confuses me. But I do know what's really going on with the Porthos thing. Boy, have I got Archer under my thumb now....
Kid 2: I didn't ask about your office politics.
Shaw: 'Dysuria'?
Prisoner: No.
Shaw: Dz...Dzh...how do you pronounce this?
Prisoner: 'Dzherzinsk.'
Shaw: Thanks. Is that it?
Prisoner: No.
Shaw: Sigh. On to the E words....
Archer: We know what you're really up to. Start confessing.
Ryan: You win -- I'm regularly beating up a Nausicaan prisoner.
Archer: You are? That's not what--T'Pol!
T'Pol: Okay, okay, so I made up that stuff about Jimmy Hoffa and the flying puffins. But wasn't it interesting?
Archer: Here, Nausicaan prisoner! We've come to save you from your cruel oppressors!
Ryan: Actually, this isn't so much a rescue as an ambush.
Archer: Oh. Well, nothing the Fantastic Four can't handle. T'Pol, turn invisible! Reed, use your elastic powers! And could somebody light me on fire?
Phlox: Happy to, sir.
Archer: Thanks.
Sato: Uh oh. The Fortunate crew just ditched the away team and bolted.
Tucker: I thought I told you not to talk this week. Anyway, let's go chase them.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Sorry, you'll have to pick us up first.
Tucker: Why? You guys should still have lots of air....
T'Pol: No, we're almost out. The captain was on fire for a while and it sucked up most of our oxygen.
Shaw: 'Helgoland'?
Prisoner: I told you, no proper nouns.
Shaw: Sorry. 'Heliacal'?
Prisoner: No.
Shaw: 'Helibdromadian'?
Prisoner: I think you made that up....
Shaw: 'Heliburton'? 'Helicarrier'? 'Helichr--'
Prisoner: Oh, forget it! The magic word is 'zymurgical.' Now you can shut up.
Shaw: Wow...it would have taken forever to get to that one.
Captain's Starlog: YEEEAAAAAAAGH! It burns! It burns!
Mayweather: Let's have a character-building chat about the situation.
Tucker: Get out of the way! I finally have a really good reason to deep-six Phlox, and I'm not gonna waste it!
Mayweather: I think we should be more merciful with those treacherous scumbags.
Archer: What you have to understand is that it's my duty as a human to kick the butt of anyone who breaks my moral code, regardless of good sense or consequences. Haven't you noticed?
Mayweather: Well, yeah...but if half the chili-related rumours I've heard are true, it's yourself whose butt you should be kicking.
Archer: I tried; my legs don't reach that far. HEY! Where did you hear these rumours?
Mayweather: T'Pol's been dropping hints lately....
T'Pol: (over the comm) ....and will continue to do so unless you comply with my demands.
Archer: I don't negotiate with blackmailers, you green-blooded--
T'Pol: Then I guess I have a little something to tell the crew. Attention all hands....
Archer: No! Fine, you win. What are your demands?
T'Pol: Let's discuss it over lunch. I feel like...chili.
Tucker: YOU!
Phlox: Now, be reasonable. The captain asked me to ignite him.
Tucker: I don't care! This time you DIE!
Phlox: Ah well. Fortunately, I took precautions.
Tucker: What precau--oh. The gigantic Hammer of Crushing over there.
Phlox: Yep. It's clobberin' time.
Ryan: And now we shall destroy the Nausicaans. Fire!
Shaw: We're doing them massive damage. Oh, wait...I misread this panel. They're doing us massive damage.
Ryan: How? We have their shield codes!
Shaw: We do? Oh crap -- I forgot to ask about that! I stopped once I got the magic word!
Ryan: I'd crush you, but I think that alien jerk stole my hammer.
Archer: Mind if we save that ship over there?
Nausicaan: (over the comm) Not a chance. We've got exclusive smashing privileges on it.
Archer: Then I'm afraid I'll have to bash you around while my pilot chats with Ryan.
Nausicaan: You won't get away with this! We'll have our revenge if we have to wait 200 years and then impale some balding cadet!
Archer: Why would you have to do that?
Nausicaan: I'm trying to anticipate all possibilities here.
Ryan: (over the comm) Give up the prisoner? I say "pfft" to you. Pfft.
Mayweather: Look, revenge isn't the answer! Take Tucker, for example. He tried to take revenge on Phlox for burning the captain, and what did he get for his troubles? A crushed nose!
Tucker: Keeb be oud of dis.
Archer: Whew...Ryan surrendered. Now we can all relax.
T'Pol: Not yet, sir. There's one more thing to be done.
Archer: Oh no. Not now....
T'Pol: Now.
Archer: I'm never going to live this down. (ahem) All hands, this is the captain. I, Jonathan Archer, officially declare that I am a blundering, duncelike paragon of suckitude with fewer working brain cells than a cup of fermented goat's milk. And illogic sucks. That is all.
T'Pol: Well done. Your secret is safe for now.
Archer: Mr. Fantastic never had to put up with this....
Keene: You'll be happy to know I've demoted Ryan.
Archer: Would you consider demoting yourself too? Then you'd be Commander Keene.
Keene: Stale old video-game jokes...is this where the future lies?
Archer: Pretty much. Shall we have a game of Q-Bert?
Keene: I'd prefer fooseball, but what the hey.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
Add TrekToday RSS feed to your news reader or My Yahoo!
Also a Desperate Housewives fan? Then visit GetDesperate.com!
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. If there's any justice in the universe, he'll eventually stop dragging out the Porthos/chili joke.
