By darkler
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:01 PM GMT

See Also: 'Warlord' Episode Guide

Neelix: This is where boring old rich people went to die on Talax. Do you like it?
Paris: Only if I can be the Party Animal.
Kim: And only if I can be the Bikini Inspector. Oops, gotta go.
Janeway: Bridge to Neelix: Party on.

Tuvok: Shields are down to 50%!
Janeway: Charge weapons! Wait, we're not fighting.
Tuvok: In case we do, we're ready.
Janeway: Whatever. Do stuff.

Kim: Stuff done.
Janeway: That's worthy of promotion.
Everyone: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Tuvok: That was a good one, Captain.

Tieran: Hi, let's play "The Passenger."
Kes: Is that a DS9 reference?
Tieran: Yeah.
Kes: Then no.
Tieran: Too late.
Kes: Just for that, I'm letting you die.

Adin: The bad guys came for us. I think they were pirates.
Nori: Or the rightful government trying to destroy a centuries old tyrant.
Janeway: I guess we'll never know. Coffee?
Nori: We heard that stuff's heinous.
Janeway: You'll be leaving as soon as we get to your planet.

Torres: I'm also shallow and desperate.
Neelix: Great. Kes, where are you?
Kes: I'm with the Illari.
Neelix: You know I'm the only one authorized to annoy guests.
Kes: That's it. We're through.
Neelix: But-
Kes: Zip it, Speckles.

Janeway: Welcome to the ship, Ambassador.
Ambassador: I'm dead now.
Transporter Person: Me too.
Janeway: Take that! And that!
Adin: Take that!
Janeway: Ow!
Kes: Bye!

Big Illari: Hi, all. Where's Tieran?
Kes/Tieran: Here.
Big Illari: Ha ha ha. Oh, that's a good one. Really, where is he?
Kes/Tieran: That's it, you're gonna bleed.
Big Illari: Okay, okay, you're Tieran.
Kes/Tieran: That's what I thought.

Demmas: ...so we have to kill Kes.
Chakotay: Right now? She's scheduled to leave in half a season.
Demmas: And Kim. He hasn't died for a while.
Janeway: You're all idiots. Like we can't save her.
Kim: What about me?
Janeway: Meh.

Kes/Tieran: Now, you die, and you die, and you, especially, die.
Ameron: Bye!
Kes/Tieran: Look how pretty I am with my new neck brace.

Kes/Tieran: I still love you.
Nori: This sort of "situation" isn't supposed to happen on Star Trek.
Kes/Tieran: Fine. Come here, Ameron. Rule with me, and her.
Ameron: All right!

Doc: Those Illari are fools. Of course we found a way to get Kes back. It only took, like, a minute.
Janeway: I'm surprised they discovered warp travel.
Tuvok: Their incompetance defies logic.
Demmas: Hello? I'm standing right here.

Kes/Tieran: Ow!
Adin: Change bodies.
Kes/Tieran: The Battle for Kes has Begun(tm). And I think I'll win.
Adin: "I" being...
Kes/Tieran: Tieran, moron.

Kes/Tieran: So much stuff sucks, I don't know where to start.
Ameron: Like your headaches?
Kes/Tieran: Like Tuvok.
Tuvok: I won't help you.
Kes/Tieran: I know, but I'll threaten you anyway.

Kes/Tieran: You're weak. I find that very appealing.
Tuvok: Mind Meld time.
Just Kes: This sucks.
Tuvok: Yeah, well, make it suck more.
Kes/Tieran: For you? Anything.

Kim: Those cretins left a hole in their shields.
Kes/Tieran: We meant to. Leave or else.
Janeway: Okay, bye.

Adin: Sleep.
Kes/Tieran: No.

Kes: Get out.
Tieran: No.
Kes: Um, please?
Tieran: I said no. But (wagging eyebrows) I could make it very comfortable for you.
Kes: Yeah, right. You're toast.
Tieran: Ahh!

Adin: Rise and shine, sleepyhead. Ready to leave Kes yet?
Kes/Tieran: Ready to die? I shall prevail! I hope.

Kes/Tieran: Hip hip...
General: There's a rebellion.
Kes/Tieran: The word is "hooray." And it will continue to be so until I allow the word to change.
General: Whatever.
Kes/Tieran: You mean "hooray." I will now go crazy. Blah, blah, goo goo, pee pee.

Paris: You're free.
Tuvok: Take that, idiot Ilari.
Paris: Ooh, teach me how to do that.
Tuvok: I hate you.

Janeway: The senior staff came to save the Ilari.
Torres: What about the Prime Directive?
Janeway: The what? Besides, the indigenous ignoramuses could never achieve what we have achieved today.

Neelix: There, now you're Kes again.
Kes: I was Kes before, Speckles. Excuse me while I enact poetic justice.
Ameron/Tieran: Are you sure you meant to use the term "poetic justice"?
Kes: Yes, though I suppose that as poetic justice goes, this is pretty weak.
Neelix: Just get to it.

Kes: That sucked.
Tuvok: Indeed.
Kes: Now that I'm back to normal, are Neelix and I still broken up?
Tuvok: Yes.
Kes: Whew!
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

darkler is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.