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July 22 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Annika Hansen
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:04 PM GMT

See Also: 'Unity' Episode Guide

Kaplan: We're lost.
Chakotay: You fool! For that, you're going to die soon.
Kaplan: Hey, there's a Federation signal coming from that hellhole some people call a planet. Wanna go down there and see if anyone wants to kill us both?

Chakotay: Hi. I'm Mr. Me. She's Mrs. Her.
Evil Aliens: Mrs. Her, time to die. We'll try to kill Mr...uh, well, him, but fail.
Kaplan: Sure. I'm just an unpaid extra. But I'll be mentioned in the last season. I will not completely fade away! Neener-neener!

Kaplan: GAK!
Chakotay: Smaller Gak!
Good Aliens: Back off, evildoers.
Bad Aliens: Okay. He's not worth it anyway.

Chakotay: OW OW OW! Man, my head hurts! What did I drink last night?
Riley: Hi. I'm Riley.
Chakotay: Where's Kaplan?
Riley: She's dead.
Chakotay: Where's my shuttle?
Riley: It's dead.
Chakotay: Aww man, the Captain's gonna phaser me!

Captain's Log: Chakotay's taken another shuttle on some pointless mission. If he doesn't bring it back, I'll phaser him.

Paris: This is soooooooo boring!
Janeway: Why don't you go help Neelix make some leola root stuff?
Paris: On second thought, I like looking at my console like an idiot.

Tuvok: There's a ship not too far away that'll further the plot and make things not so boring.
Janeway: Cool. AAAAH! It's the Borg!
Paris: Get 'em away from me! They'll ruin my beautiful complexion.
Bridge Officers: Wussy.

Tuvok: They're already dead. But they're still dangerous.
Janeway: Since you show signs of wussiness like Paris, you get to go onboard that ship with Torres.
Tuvok: Sucks to be me.

Riley: Why don't you just settle down here?
Chakotay: Because of all the reasons given by Kirk and Picard, y'know?
Riley: Yeah, I was a big fan of the original series.
Chakotay: Wanna ride home with us?
Riley: Nope. I'm staying here. If I did go, I'd most likely tick off the J/Cers.

Tuvok: I am not showing signs of wussiness.
Torres No, but I am. This place is creepy. I don't like it here! Send me my teddy bear!
Tuvok: Hey, what's that over there? I'll be manly and check it out...AAAAAAAA! BORGBORGBORG! SAVE ME!
Torres: Um, it's dead.
Tuvok: Oh yeah. I knew that. Don't mention this to Janeway.

Torres: There were once a lot of Borg on that ship. We don't know how they died.
Torres: Maybe they just didn't want to be Borg anymore.
Everyone: Good idea!
Janeway: Okay, I'll let you slave away while I sit and look awesome in my chair.
Everyone: Sucks to be us.

Chakotay: I'll secretly pick the lock on the door until I get out.
Door: The lock has been picked.
Chakotay: Who's da man? Oo, look at all the people! I think I'll snoop around!
Riley: Um, hey.
Chakotay: Oh. My. God. You're a Borg!
Riley: Yup. Until my Borg ship blew a fuse. We were all happy until we remembered what species we were.
Chakotay: Huh?
Borg Doc: Romulans and Klingons in the same group. You do the math. Riley: So you'll help us?
Chakotay: Um, owowowow! My head reaaaaallly hurts right now!

Doc: Hey, here's something that says "On Switch." Let's flip it.
Borg: Huh? Where am I? This looks like a Federation ship. I think I'd better warn the Queen.
Torres: SHUT IT OFF!
Doc: Okay, okay. Sheesh, don't have a cow.
Borg: Oh Queenie--GAK!
Doc: I was not scared. Nope. No sirree!
Kes and Torres: Riiiight.

Borg Doc: You're getting worse. If we linked with your mind, we could save you.
Chakotay: You mean like in the Borg?
Riley: Yes.
Chakotay: NOOOO!
Riley: Just a small one.
Chakotay: Why do I get the feeling that you're lying to me?
Riley: we're not! We're good! Yes, that will do.
Chakotay: Okay then.

Cooperative: We're a-boogyin' in Chakotay's brain! We know where he keeps his chocolate, we know he likes Janeway--
Chakotay: Shaddup.

Riley: Wanna make out?
Chakotay: Sure! The J/Cers will be calling for both of our heads, though.
Riley: Who cares? WOOHOO!

Tuvok: We've found Chakotay on this hellhole of a planet.
Janeway: Did you find the shuttle?
Tuvok: Nope.
Janeway: Chakotay's toast. Burnt toast.

Borg Doc: We think Voyager is in orbit.
Riley: Will you please ask Janeway to help us? PLEASE?
Chakotay: I was always a sucker for pleading women.

Riley: We want everyone on the planet to become one mind, kinda like the Collective, but not.
Janeway: You're nuts.
Riley: But we will be a good collective and live in harmony! We'll do a bunch of technobabble stuff.
Janeway: That would still mean big trouble. Get lost, lady.

Janeway: Do you think this is a good idea?
Chakotay: Yes. Those people are nice and they weren't lying.
Janeway: Um, well, you're biased. Your opinion doesn't matter!

Chakotay: The captain said no.
Riley: That's ok. I always get what I want.
Chakotay: Why do I think that's foreshadowing?

Torres: When we get back to Voyager, can I thrash you on the holodeck?
Chakotay: Sure. I've got nothing better to do.
Cooperative: Chakotay, shoot her! You must comply. Chakotay: Sure. Take a hike, B'Elanna!

Tuvok: Chakotay's shuttle is changing course. It's heading for Mr. Cube.
Janeway: Two shuttles in one episode? Isn't that some kind of record?
Tuvok: Probably.

Tuvok: Commander, cease and desist!
Chakotay: Get a life, Captain's Pet. Mind if I shoot you like I did Torres?
Tuvok: Sure. GAK!
Chakotay: GAK! I turned Mr. Cube on, though! Hah! Chakotay 1, everyone else 0!

Borg: We were dead. Now we are alive. Get assimilated, Starfleet wimps.
Kim: Uh, sorry, we're in a bit of a hurry. Bye!

Paris: Everyone's here.
Janeway: I stupidly order you to get us out of here slowly.
Kim: Um, Mr. Cube is gonna blow.


Cooperative: Hi. We're the Cooperative. We used Chakotay because he was the nearest dunderhead in sight. Thanks and bye.

Doc: Chakotay's ok now.
Janeway: We gotta talk. Doc, Tuvok, beat it.
Doc, Tuvok: Chakotay's in trouble! Chakotay's in trouble!
(They skip away)

Janeway: ...
Chakotay: I'm sorry?
Janeway: ...
Chakotay: I'm very sorry?
Janeway: I guess I can take pity on you since they controlled you. But you have to be very hard on yourself and inspire tons of fanfics. Okay?
Chakotay: Okay.
(Voyager blasts away from the hellhole at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Annika Hansen is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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