Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:43 PM GMT

See Also: 'Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy' Episode Guide

Doc: LA la la la la LA....
Tuvok: RRRRRRRR! I kill you!
Doc: No you don't. I hereby sedate you.
All but Kim: Bravo, Doctor!
Kim: What's going on here? You're all completely out of character.
Janeway: This is a dream sequence, moron. See the italics?

Torres: You can't come on the away team. Ha ha.
Doc: Of course, with you off the ship, Seven will be in charge of Engineering. Or possibly Vorik.
Torres: Well, that certainly put me in my place.

Janeway: Doc wants more power.
Chakotay: He should switch to Duracell.

Potato Alien Employee: Let's scan the ship.
Potato Alien Overseer: Sorry, you'll have to go over my head. If I give you permission, I can't establish myself as a jerk.

Chakotay: ....and the shuttle shouldn't have any trouble landing since I'll be staying here on the ship....
Seven: Blah, blah, blah. Hey Doc, I want you.
Torres: Hey! I want Doc!
Janeway: You're all fired.
I want Doc.
Doc: See, this dream isn't so farfetched.

Janeway: Sorry, I'd rather give command subroutines to Tom's toaster than to you.
Doc: Awwww! But what if I need to steal the warp core someday?

Janeway: Congratulations! The ECH program worked so well with the toaster, we're giving one to you too.
Doc: Sweet! Now for my acceptance speech. You may want to sit down, I'll be several hours....

Employee: My spying has revealed that this hologram is the coolest guy in the universe.
Overseer: Now how did Voyager get Vic Fontaine?

Neelix: You know, we Talaxians believe that--
Doc: Get lost, warthog boy. I feel a heroic captaincy dream coming on.

Janeway: Uh oh, it's the Borg. GAK!
Doc: Janeway's down -- it's up to me! Computer, make me a captain!
Computer: Oh, all right. But shouldn't Chakotay be the one to take command?
Doc: You don't honestly
mean that, do you?
Computer: No.

Employee: Trouble. Voyager has a photonic cannon.
Overseer: Photonic...that means holographic, right? So we have nothing to worry about.
Employee: That reasoning applies to photon torpedoes too.
Overseer: No, it would apply to photonic torpedoes. Moron.

Chakotay: For saving us from the Borg, I declare you my personal hero. Soon I will shave my head in your honour.
Doc: Something about this seems unrealistic, but what?

Doc: My fantasies are out of control. I need your help.
Torres: That sounds indecent.
Seven: I'm up for it. Hey B'Elanna, shall we have another round of "I want Doc"?
Torres: Yes, let's.
Warp Core: Anybody mind if I breach? No? Cool.
Doc: Ohhhhh boy.

Torres: Doc's malfunctions are causing him to behave erratically and inconsistently.
Janeway: I can relate.

Kim: Let's peek into Doc's fantaWHOAAAAAAAAA!
Janeway: Well, if it isn't Seven posing nude. How very Titanic of Doc. What's the next scene, Harry?
Kim: Hubbahubbahubbahubba....
Janeway: Forget it.

Doc: B'Elanna, we have to break up.
Torres: What? Nooooo! Why?
Doc: I'm sick of all the assassination attempts. Those P/Ters are persistent.
Janeway: You're going to kill Doc for this, aren't you?
Torres: Nah. I'll just leave his castration subroutine activated till he learns his lesson.

Employee: Oh heck. It looks like I've been watching Doc's fantasies, not his real life.
Other Employee: That's okay. "Real Life" was a little contrived.

Janeway: You know, I think maybe we should consider Doc's idea.
Chakotay: The ECH thing? What for?
Janeway: Let's face it, pal -- in an emergency, we're better off with a cheese stick in command than you.
Chakotay: I would resent that if it were less true.

Doc: Hey! Who the bejeebus are you?
Employee: I'm a pudgy, tuber-like alien who wants to save your ship. Listen, first you have to--
Doc: Hold it. Don't you have a name, Fatso?
Employee: Yes. And unfortunately, that's it.

Doc: Guess what? There's a bunch of cloaked ships behind us!
Kim: Oh crap, he's right! Captain, permission to run in circles and scream like a girl?
Janeway: Next time, Mr. Kim. I have a better solution -- rip off both "The Emissary" and "The Corbomite Maneuver" at one stroke.
Chakotay: GASP -- the dreaded Double Unoriginality Maneuver! It's never been tried!
Janeway: Neither had using Buns of Steel on your hair. I made that work for a while, didn't I?

Overseer: I've got an idea: let's suddenly change the attack plan, tossing a wrench into your plan to help the Doctor.
Employee: How did you know about the secret plan?
Overseer: Oh, I can't tell you.
Employee: Why not?
Overseer: Temporal Prime Directive.

Overseer: (over the comm) Surrender.
ECH: No. We have a photonic cannon.
Overseer: Ha! I laugh at your fictional weaponry. Hahahaha!
Paris: Uh oh. Better wing it, Doc....
ECH: Um...er...did I mention we also have a really really big deep fryer?
Overseer: Oh no -- that could do great damage to our potato-like selves! We must flee!
Paris: Nicely done.
ECH: Thanks.

Janeway: In recognition of your exemplary service, I hereby confer upon your ECH self the status of future plot device.
Doc: Yahoo! All I need now is some lovin'....
Seven: I think I'll go help B'Elanna with that subroutine she mentioned.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.