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May 29 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

The Voyager Conspiracy

By Heiwa
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:45 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Voyager Conspiracy' Episode Guide

Seven: Naomi Wildman. What are you doing here?
Naomi: Useless filler scene. What's that thing you're carrying?
Seven: It is a Borg plot device. It will allow me to assimilate Voyager.
Naomi: What?
Seven: I meant, to assimilate Voyager's database. Heh, heh.
Naomi: Cool. Can I try it?
Seven: No, it's my toy.

Janeway: Did you hear the rumor that half of Deck 5 was pregnant?
Chakotay: Tom Paris sure gets around.

Torres: Captain, Seven is throwing a Borg hissyfit. She says we've got a problem.
Janeway: Oh? What's wrong?
Seven: Neelix has given the ship fleas.
Janeway: Again?

Kim: Captain, we're being hailed by a strange apparatus.
Tash: (over the comm) I'm having problems with my strange apparatus!
Janeway: Tough break. We'll just be getting out of here before it blows up and scatters you into a million pieces...uh, Mr. Paris, warp 9.
Chakotay: Just out of curiosity, what does your device do?
Tash: It catapults a ship, like, lots of light years through space!
Janeway: Oh, did I say we were getting out of here? I meant we'd love to help you!

Chakotay: Your device sounds interesting, Mr. Tash. Why did you build it?
Tash: To catapult myself back home!
Chakotay: Wow, wish we'd thought of that.

Tash: Why are you scanning me? Is this any way to treat someone who is trying to hurl you 5000 light years closer to home?
Janeway: We like making enemies in the Delta Quadrant. And your weapons are weaker than ours.

Seven: Computer, show me sensor data of Voyager blowing up the Caretaker's Array.
Computer: Display complete.
Seven: Computer, is that a tractor beam?
Computer: Insufficient data.
Seven: I think a conspiracy is afoot!
Computer: I think you're right!

Seven: Tuvok, why did you use a yield of twenty thousand teracochranes? Half that yield would have been sufficient.
Paris: Well, Tuvok, it was only a matter of time before Seven of Know-It-All here decided she was better qualified to do your job than you were.
Tuvok: Indeed.

Seven: Neelix, I need information.
Neelix: I don't know how those fleas got here! I swear I took a bath!
Seven: I believe Mr. Tash's catapult got its technology from the Caretaker's Array.
Neelix: I don't see how your idea could be even remotely possible. Therefore, I'm fascinated by it!
Seven: I also believe a cloaked vessel from the Alpha Quadrant killed Jimmy Hoffa and stole a doohickey from the Caretaker's Array. I also believe that Elvis is still alive, and that the Ferengi built Stonehenge.
Neelix: Wow, Kes believed all those same things!

Tash: Bye bye, Captain! I'm about to test out my catapult, to see whether or not I'll survive the trip!
Janeway: Better you than us! Good luck not dying!

Seven: (over the comm) Chakotay, report to Astrometics now.
Chakotay: Since when does she outrank me?
Janeway: Are you kidding? Even Naomi Wildman outranks you.

Seven: Captain Janeway is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy to conquer the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay: I don't believe it.
Seven: Look here, I have weak evidence to support my slanderous accusations.
Chakotay: Wow, I believe you now! Grr! I'll make Janeway pay for this!

Tash: Hey, guess what! I didn't die! My device works!
Janeway: O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Tash: I leave my catapult in your capable hands, Captain.
Janeway: We can't let the Kazon get their hands on it! Tuvok, target the catapult with tricobalt devices.
Everyone: Captain, NO!
Janeway: Ha. Kidding!

Seven: Chakotay is trying to start a Maquis rebellion.
Janeway: That's ridiculous! There is no one on this ship I trust more than Chakotay. Nothing you can say will make me lose confidence in him!
Seven: Listen while I rattle off stardates in a weak attempt to sound convincing.
Janeway: That backstabbing little Maquis swine! I'll hang him by his thumbs!

Naomi: Hi, Seven.
Seven: You little Ktarian spawn! Who are you working for, Chakotay or the captain? Either way, you're too late! Tell them they'll fail! I know they killed JFK!
Naomi: Geez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the alcove....

Janeway: What are you doing in the cargo bay? Are you trying to destroy evidence? Why are you wearing a phaser?
Chakotay: Because Seven told me all about your secret mission!
Janeway: She told me all about yours too!
Chakotay: Boy, she's not good at keeping secrets, is she?

Kim: Seven has stolen the Delta Flyer!
Janeway: Sure, why not? Everyone else does.

Seven: Hey, I stole this shuttle fair and square. Get your own!
Janeway: Seven, you're seriously screwed up. Come back home; the Doctor will give you a nice lollipop and some Prozac.
Seven: NO! I know you are after me! You want Starfleet to dissect me!
Janeway: It would make for an interesting paper. But no, I kid, I kid. Listen as I quote stardates leading up to yet another "touching" mother/daughter bonding scene.
Seven: Oh metaphorical mommy, I am sorry I ever doubted you!
Janeway: Aww, it's okay. But for stealing the Delta Flyer, you have to go to your alcove without supper.

Captain's Log: Blah blah blah. That catapult thing threw us a long way closer to home! Boy, were we lucky to run across it! Too bad we can't build any more, apparently we forgot to ask for the technical specifications!

Naomi: Hi, Seven. Even though you were a total jerk to me, I decided to come by and chit chat with you.
Seven: What must I do to be rid of you?

Janeway: I heard a rumor that the captain and first officer lost all confidence in each other merely because a former Borg drone threw around some truly lame conspiracy theories.
Chakotay: I won't ever lose confidence in you, Kathryn. At least, not until the next time.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Heiwa is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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