The SwarmBy FatMatDuhRat
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:58 PM GMT
Paris: Well, here we are again -- all alone in a tiny, cramped little shuttlecraft. (wink)
Torres: Grrr! Keep your mind on our mission, Helmboy.
Paris: Oh no! We've been invaded by two really mean-looking aliens! Let's try and talk to 'em and only wind up getting ourselves zapped.
Torres: Remind me again why I always hang out with you?
Doc: La-la-laaaa! Oh how I love to sing!
Opera Lady: Ay dios mio! Shaddup you mouth!
Doc: Hmph! Next time I practice opera, I'll make sure that it's a solo.
Opera Lady: Don't you mean, "Virtuo-solo"?
Torres: Doc! Kes! We were attacked!
Janeway: Care to explain why you came back unharmed but Paris looks like he fell down a flight of stairs?
Torres: Grrr...I mean, no.
Doc: No need to worry, I'll fix him up in a jiffy.
Kes: Uh...Doc, where're your pants?
Doc: Whoa! I seem to be getting a bit absent-minded. Oh well, I doubt that this'll do anything except create an interesting sub-plot.
Neelix: AWL-Righty! Everyone's gonna listen to me for a change because I'm the big shot DQ know-it-all.
Janeway: Okay then, furball, what're these new baddies called?
Neelix: (shrug) I dunno.
Chakotay: Why'd they attack us?
Neelix: Uh...'cause they don't like you.
Tuvok: Hey! Can you tell us anything important about these aliens?
Neelix: Yeah -- they definitely like to travel around in a great big "swarm"....
Janeway: (groan) This is gonna be a "2-plot" episode, I just know it.
Chakotay: Look at this, boss -- it'll take us over a year to fly around these bad guys.
Janeway: No way Josť! We're gonna fly straight through 'em, and to hell with Starfleet regulations.
Tuvok: Your speaking of those words does not surprise me at all.
Doc: Hello there, Briefing Room! I'm gonna go and operate on the cadaver -- I mean, the patient (ahem) -- in just a few minutes.
Janeway: Doc, did you put your pants on yet?
Doc: Uh...gotta go! (switches off monitor)
Torres: The Doctor's program is falling apart.
Kes: WAAA! Captain, tell her to fix him.
Janeway: She can't, so we're gonna just reboot him and erase his mind in the process.
Kes: But then...who'll be my friend? What ever shall I do? And what will be my purpose for being here on this ship?
Torres: You could always transcend yourself into a being of pure telepathic energy and vault us across Borg space.
Janeway: HA! Right...like that's ever gonna happen.
Torres: Here's the Holodeck's version of Jupiter Station.
Doc: Yippie! I'm back home in my old room and somebody's already cleaned it up for me.
Zimmerman: That'd be my doing, son.
Torres and Kes: YAH! Another bald guy!
Doc: Duh...where you see dat?
Zimmerman: No wonder this guy's so dumb -- you've left him running for too darn long.
Torres: So...what can we do to fix him?
Zimmerman: Just transfer his program to a maintenance station in the Alpha Quadrant.
Torres: No can do yet, Barclay won't build the Pathfinder for a few more years.
Zimmerman: Well then, you'd better start getting used to having a big dumb vegetable as your doctor.
Torres: I don't think so, and besides...Tom can do much more damage when he's up at the helm.
Zimmerman: All right, son, stare at these pretty colors while I slice open your mind. Wha--? Where'd all this surplus junk come from?
Doc: Me put dat there.
Zimmerman: You've added opera singing, golf, photography, and...SEX?
Doc: Yeah...that was cool, huh-huh.
Kes: Captain, this guy is really messed up.
Janeway: I wanna attempt to get some vital information out of him anyway.
Hurt Alien: (groan) - (cough)
Janeway: Hey you! What happened?
Hurt Alien: (wheeze) - (gasp)
Janeway: C'mon...just a few words and I'll give you some nice replicators.
Hurt Alien: The...Swarm...GLARG! (croaks)
Doc: Duh...dis man look like he sick.
Tuvok: We've been zapped -- now the Swarm can detect us.
Chakotay: Right...but are they able to see us?
Paris: That's the same exact thing, you blockhead!
Chakotay: No it's not.
Doc: I wanna leave the Sickbay room!
Kes: You can't do that yet. Just wait a few more episodes until we travel back in time and pick you up a mobile emitter from the future.
Doc: Duh...dat makes sense.
Kim: Hey everybody! Some of the Swarm is speaking to us.
Janeway: What're they saying?
Kim: (sings) "You should never have opened that door / Now you're never gonna see her no more!"
Chakotay: It figures we'd get chased by Ramones fans.
Kes: Captain, you've gotta give me B'Elanna!
Janeway: HELLO! Red Alert lights flashing, klaxons blaring...does any of this look familiar?
Kes: Okay then, can I at least have Harry?
Janeway: Nah...we may use him as cannon fodder later.
Kes: You gotta save the Doc! My sudden technobabble knowledge tells me that you and he have compatible brains.
Zimmerman: So I have to sacrifice myself after I just got here in order to save everybody?
Kes: Yeah...exactly! Gee, I hope that never happens to me.
Tuvok: Look out, nameless ensign!
Random Goldshirt: Argh!
Tuvok: Take that! (Zap!)
Paris: My turn! (Smack!) Over to you Captain!
Janeway: Eat phaser! (Zap!)
Chakotay: This one's mine. (Hurl!) HA HA! I finally got to do something cool today!
Janeway: Uh...Commander, where are your pants?
Chakotay: Whoa! I thought it was a bit drafty in here.
Kim: Captain! Let's just blow up one and see if it'll trigger the rest into leaving.
Janeway: Oh, come on! It can't be that easy!
One Swarm Ship: Ow! This sucks!
Remaining Ships: Yeah! We're outta here!
Captain's Log: I didn't get to say the word "coffee" all day, so I'm just going to sit here and say it now. Coffee, coffee, coffee....
Doc: Please state the -- wha-? Who are you? Where am I? Why am I still bald?
Kes: Oh no! It didn't work, he's still a dummy!
Torres: No, wait. If he starts to sing while randomly scanning something in his room, then we'll know he's okay.
Kes: Really...you think so?
Doc: (as Steven Tyler of Aerosmith) "Oh yeah, I'M BAAAACK! I'M BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN! Yeah, I'M BAAAACK!"
Torres: (groan) Remind me never to fix him again.
(Voyager blasts off at Harmonious Speed)
FatMatDuhRat is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.