The ChuteBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:56 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Chute' Episode Guide
Kim: ...Whooooooaaa! Hi, Tom. How'd you get down here? Did they trick you, too?
Paris: Yeah. Lousy white rabbit. I knew he was up to no good.
Kim: So, where are we?
Paris: I've narrowed it down to... not Kansas.
Captain's Log: Tom and Harry are still being held as suspects in a bombing, and nobody will tell us anything. Something's fishy in...wherever the heck we are. Assuming they have fish.
Janeway: I'm only going to say this once, Ambassador: let my people go!
Liria: (over the comm) I'm sorry, Captain, but the evidence implicating your crewmen in the bombing is irrefutable.
Chakotay: What kind of evidence?
Liria: Upon scanning them, we found large quantities of dihydrogen monoxide.
Janeway: Hm. Sounds like an airtight case. Tuvok, do you know what this means?
Tuvok: We get to spend the rest of the episode in a classic detective-story hunt for the real bombers?
Janeway: Good man.
Paris: I know you're probably mad that I got us arrested, again, but trust me -- you'll find this funny later. Especially the part where I beat you up to show off to the other prisoners. Boy, that was a hoot.
Kim: Urge to kill... rising....
Paris: I see that clamp jammed into our brainstems is really messing with your mind.
Kim: Right... the clamp.
Kim: I'm so hungry.
Paris: I know! Let's fantasize about food!
Kim: That's not helping. It's this stupid clamp; I can't think straight.
Paris: We'd better fantasize about the Delaney sisters too.
Kim: Time to pull a MacGyver and get us out of here. Got my nifty wired pipe?
Paris: Yep, right h--GAK!
Kim: See, this is why MacGyver always worked alone.
Captain's Log: We're still searching for the real perpetrators, but I think we all know this is just filler to add suspense to the A-plot.
Tuvok: We are approaching another ship. Since we require time to gather information on the whereabouts of Mr. Paris and Mr. Kim, as well as engineer a rescue operation, I have concluded that these are the perpetrators we are searching for.
Janeway: Good work, Tuvok. You're quite the detective.
Tuvok: Call me "Shervok."
Janeway: Our scans have determined that you were responsible for the bombing on Akritiri.
Vel: That's not true.
Janeway: So you deny that you are innocent?
Vel: Yes, we... no!
Janeway: Then your sister acted alone?
Piri: No I didn't! Wait, I mean....
Vel: All right, I admit it! We were responsible for the bombing.
Tuvok: Well done, Captain.
Janeway: Thank you. Evidence is no match for a little bit of good old fashioned trickery.
Paris: Harry, if you have a chance, I want you to save yourself.
Paris: I'm injured and I'd only slow you -- hey!
Zio: It's taken me years, but I've finally determined the purpose of the clamp. Would you like to read my manifesto?
Kim: "One clamp to rule them all, one clamp to find them, one clamp to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Zio: Brilliant, no?
Kim: Meh. It's a little melodromatic.
Zio: Well? What did you find?
Kim: The good news is, I could see stars.
Zio: Aha! The chute leads to the surface!
Kim: That would be the bad news....
Paris: Are we escaping soon?
Kim: Not exactly.
Paris: Tricksy Kimses! It lies, it is false! It's going to escape without us!
Paris: I said, I'm sure you'll find another way out.
Kim: Um, right. If only I could think of some way to get all the prisoners to work together instead of fighting....
Kim: (singing) Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can; No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man; Imagine all the people, sharing all the world....
Kim: (singing) ....You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one; I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one... OW! OW! OW! Those rocks are sharp, you tool!
Kim: Well, if John Lennon can't fix this problem then -- TOM! What are you doing to my pipe?
Paris: False Kimses! We hates them!
Kim: It's mine! You stoles it from us!
Paris: We smashes its pipe! Gone, gone, gone!
Paris: (choking) Mur...der...er!
Janeway: We've found the real bombers. You can let my officers go now.
Liria: (over the comm) I'm sorry, but our government would look foolish for overturning a blatantly false conviction in order to apprehend the real criminals. It can't be done.
Janeway: That's not very reasonable or logical.
Liria: Ha! Good one. -- Oh, you're serious? You must be new to this quadrant.
Janeway: Tell me where to find the prison.
Vel: What do we get in return?
Janeway: Ha! Good one. -- Oh, you're serious? I forgot you're new to this ship.
Prisoners: Ah... fresh meat.
Janeway: (emerging from the chute) You wish, sucker.
Tuvok: (emerging from the chute) ...Wheeeeeeee!
Tuvok: What? I don't get out much.
Akritirian Patrol: (over the comm) Stand down and prepare to be boarded.
Neelix: Um... this isn't the ship you're looking for. He can go about his business.
Janeway: Neelix, for the last time, you can't do Jedi Mind Tricks.
Neelix: Can I at least fill in for Tom since I'm such a nifty pilot?
Janeway: Not unless you want to see Tuvok perform the Vulcan Death Grip.
Tuvok: But Captain, there is no --
Kim: Sorry I tried to kill you, Tom. What do you remember?
Paris: Nothing important. I remember a good deal about a clamp and a Dark Lord and something about the end of the world but... wait, did you say you tried to kill me?
(Harry thinks up an excuse at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.