By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:53 PM GMT

See Also: 'Repression' Episode Guide

Teero: Hmm...what to do today? I know, I'll start a Maquis rebellion 35,000 light-years away.

Torres: Geez, this movie is worse than "Threshold"!
Paris: That's a bit extreme. Hey, look, a comatose Maquis! You may remember him from "Nothing Human."

Chakotay: What's the diagnosis, Doc?
Doctor: He's unconscious.
Chakotay: Brilliant.

Tuvok: Can I conduct the investigation? Pleeeease?
Janeway: Okay, but don't you dare become Evil Tuvok again.

Jor: It was not me. I'm way too cute to be evil.
Tuvok: That's what Ensign Kim thinks every week, and where does it get him?

Chakotay: You've made Jor a suspect? Why?
Tuvok: Mainly to annoy you. Is it working?

Jor: Hmm...the plot's not thick enough yet. Would you mind getting brutally attacked, Yosa?
Yosa: Okay, but only if you get attacked right afterwards.

Chakotay: Why are all the victims Maquis? This sucks!
Janeway: If it'll make you feel better, let's arm all the other Maquis. Just in case they want to, you know, take over the ship or something.

Maquis: You know who sucks? Tuvok sucks. Boy, does he suck. I mean, he really--
Chakotay: Shut up and take your gun. Don't forget, guys, no shooting major characters.
Everybody: Awww, not even Neelix?

Paris: According to my new holo-gizmo, the killer was roughly Tuvok-size.
Tuvok: That's a pretty vague clue.

Chell: Hi, B'Elanna! You may remember me from "Learning Curve."
Torres: The annoying Bolian?
Chell: You betcha!
Torres: Aw, geez. I'd rather be attacked by Evil Tuvok than put up with -- hey, that could work!

Kim: You read my mail?
Tuvok: And poked through your diary, and reorganized your CD collection...and don't get me started on your sock drawer.

Chakotay: Somebody attacked B'Elanna! Give me a hand, Tuvok!
Tuvok: I've got a better idea: how about I beat you up?
Chakotay: Okay, but first let me inflict a bruise for you to recognize later.

Janeway: More victims! Do you know yet who did it?
Tuvok: Some guy.
Janeway: Oh, go meditate, you moron.

Tuvok: A bruise? Oh no, it was me!
Teero: Darn right.
Tuvok: Who asked you?

Tuvok: Bad news, Captain -- it's me.
Janeway: I told you not to go evil again! Just for that, I'm reading your mail.

Janeway: This Bajoran was hidden in Tuvok's message. It must all be his fault.
Chakotay: You mean I can't blame Tuvok anymore? Aw.

Teero: Come on, do bad stuff!
Tuvok: No!
Teero: Please?
Tuvok: Okay. Hey Chakotay, it's evil time!

Janeway: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Chakotay: Taking over the ship. Don't worry, you'll have it back in five minutes.

Captain's Log: Chakotay 1, everybody else 0. BWAHAHAHAHA!

Chakotay: Hey Tuvok, wanna kill Janeway?
Tuvok: Okay. DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIE--hey, it isn't working.
Chakotay: It isn't? I'll have to look into that. OW!
Tuvok: That's my Extra-Pain nerve pinch. Like it?

Chakotay: Time to give the ship back, guys.
Torres: That was short. Maybe they should've made this a two-parter.

Chakotay: I'm really sorry I hijacked your ship, Captain.
Janeway: Eh, no big deal. Happens all the time.

Tuvok: ....and so Good Tuvok saved the day for once. Impressive, don't you think?
Janeway: Yeah, whatever. Let's just put on these 3D glasses so we'll look ridiculous.
(Voyager heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.