Once Upon a Time

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:26 PM GMT

See Also: 'Once Upon a Time' Episode Guide

Flotter: Hi! I'm an annoying holocharacter!
Naomi: Hi! I'm a cute kid! Hanging out with annoying snots like you will make me appear even cuter.
Flotter: Really?
Naomi: Sure -- why else would I hang out with Neelix of all people?

Naomi: Mom, are you sure they're not trying to kill you off?
Paris: (in background) Hey! Who told you that? Um, I mean...that's ridiculous.
Naomi: You've survived for a long time considering you've actually had lines. They could be trying to knock you off.
Ensign Wildman: Nah. It's a shuttle mission. What could go wrong? I mean, it's not like Chakotay's driving or anything.
Naomi: I don't know...seems suspicious.
Tuvok: (in background) Nonsense. On a totally unrelated topic, Ensign, I need you to come hold this jar of antimatter for me.

Paris: (over the comm) Well, we're not dead yet, but we did manage to total our new shuttle in an ion storm. We might have to crash-land.
Janeway: That should take care of Ensign Wildman. An ensign in a shuttle crash doesn't stand a chance.
Chakotay: I guess that's that.
Neelix: Aren't you forgetting something? Naomi?
Janeway: Oh, right -- the cuteness quota. I'll let you handle her.
Chakotay: Are you sure, Captain? I wouldn't trust Neelix with a kid.
Janeway: I wouldn't trust you with a pet rock. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
Chakotay: She could figure out our plot and make herself so cute that she'll be a recurring character for the next two seasons.
Janeway: Yeah, but what are the chances of that?

Naomi: In case they try to knock me off, I'm going to pair up with the Captain.
Neelix: Sounds like a plan. Bye now.
Seven: Can I sit here?
Naomi: Eep. I mean, no.
Seven: Are you sure? If you pair up with me you'll be even cuter. They'll have to keep you around.
Naomi: Hmm...sounds good, but I'll wait a couple of episodes, 'kay?
Seven: Whatever.

Wildman: Oh no! We're going to crash!
Tuvok: We're in a shuttle -- what did you expect to happen?
Paris: Well, we did just build this thing a few weeks ago. That's quick even by our standards.
Wildman: AHHH! We're going to die!
Tuvok: Correction -- you're going to die. Our names are in the opening credits.

Wildman: (groans) I knew it -- you're trying to kill me off!
Paris: Are you still here?
Tuvok: Nice landing, you moron. Now we're trapped in here too. That wasn't part of the plan.
Paris: Uh oh. Let's hope our contracts are still good.

Naomi: Where's my Mom?
Neelix: Well, she's not missing. No, sirree. Nope.
Naomi: Riiiight. I smell a plot.

Wildman: I knew I should have been suspicious. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Paris: Come on, you know the rules. You get lines, you die. Like Hogan and Jonas.
Wildman: Then how come Vorik's still alive? He had lines...lots of them.
Paris: Well, we tried to set the P/Ters on him with "Blood Fever" but it didn't work. We're hoping the telepath-haters in "Counterpoint" will kill him off.
Wildman: This is not looking good.

Naomi: Neelix? Hello? Hmm...now's my chance to find out if they're trying to knock off my Mom.
(She enters a turbolift)
Naomi: I want to go to the Bridge.
Computer: Nice try. You're just a little kid.
Naomi: You're not serious, are you?
Computer: No.

Janeway: Mwahahahaha! Soon Ensign Wildman will be sleeping with the fishes. Who's next on our list?
Chakotay: Hmm...I think Ayala. He's always hanging around and I think he said a few words once.
Janeway: Excellent.
Naomi: I knew it! You're killing off all the extras who've had lines!
Janeway: Uh oh. Neelix, go take care of her.
Neelix: You mean console her or kill her?
Janeway: Whatever.

Paris: (recording his message) And so, with my last breath I'm going to take my revenge on the P/Ters and not say "I love you." Bye now.
Wildman: (gasp) They're going to kill you for that!
Paris: Meh. At this point, I'm convinced I'm going to die anyways. Your turn.
Wildman: Naomi, whatever you do, don't become a precocious little snot like Wesley Crusher. If you're cute enough, hopefully they won't kill you off, so try pairing up with popular characters. Bye now.

Janeway: Aren't you done yet?
Chakotay: (over the comm) We're almost there, but if we hurry they might all survive.
Janeway: Good point. Take a few more minutes.

Paris: I knew I shouldn't have volunteered for this assassination job.
(He hears the phaser drills)
Paris: Hooray! The regular characters are saved!
Wildman: I'm not dead yet.
Paris: Oh.

Neelix: Look, your mom's alive!
Wildman: Ha! In your face, Janeway!
Naomi: Meh. For all the times we'll see you again, you might as well be dead.
Janeway: She's right. Since we failed to kill you, you're going the way of Joe Carey.
Naomi: Who?
Janeway: Exactly.
(Ensign Wildman runs for it at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.