Natural LawBy Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 3:00 PM GMT
See Also: 'Natural Law' Episode Guide
Seven: Flying in a shuttle with you...sigh. I hate contractual obligations.
Chakotay: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a clever new way to crash.
Seven: Will a big energy barrier do?
Officer: (over the comm) Hey, you! Pull over, you just ran a green light!
Paris: I knew I should've checked which colour was "go" on this planet.
Chakotay: Wow, I'm impressed! Usually the shuttle's pieces don't scatter this far.
Seven: I'm detecting some aliens. Let's go.
Chakotay: Okay. OW! My leg!
Seven: If it breaks, do I get to shoot you?
Paris: Piloting lessons? NOOOOOOOO!
Janeway: I could probably stop this in some way, but I'd rather laugh at you.
Chakotay: Cavemen! Cool!
Seven: You're easily impressed. Now I must go -- try not to get captured.
Chakotay: Sure, whatever.
Seven: Seven to Chakotay, I found the gizmo. Chakotay? Hello? You'd better not be stoned on the job again....
Chakotay: Why have you cool cavemen stoned my communicator?
Caveman: Look, gestural communication doesn't translate well to a textual medium. So "oog" is how we'll play it. Savvy?
Seven: Release the wooden boy now!
Chakotay: Relax, they're nice cavemen -- hey! What did you just call me?
Kim: Ha ha ha! This time you're the chump, not me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seven: I need to go find another gizmo. You can't come, you'd mess up my hubris.
Chakotay: Okay. I've been learning their sign language.
Seven: What's the gesture for "I pity you, you pathetic fool?"
Chakotay: A fist to the chops.
Seven: Okay. Hold still for a sec....
Instructor: Hi. My name is Kleg.
Paris: "Kleg"? Are you sure you're not one of the cavemen?
Chakotay: Why are you all getting tattoos like mine?
Chakotay: Good point.
Seven: My, it's chilly out here. Thanks for the blanket, little girl.
Seven: Excuse me?
Seven: Um, okay.
Cavegirl: You weren't listening when we explained about the "oog" thing, were you?
Paris: Can I blame the accident on the Flyer?
Paris: Can I blame it on...um...Tuvok?
Tuvok: (over the comm) You're fired.
Paris: Hey, that's cheating!
Chakotay: What happened to Seven?
Chakotay: OW! You know, I've had quite enough of the "pathetic fool" gesture.
Seven: Woo hoo! I found the rest of the shuttle! Now I just have to keep Chakotay out of it....
Janeway: Chakotay and Seven haven't reported in. What do we do?
Tuvok: Well, we could always quit while we're ahead.
Barus: ...and then the aliens set up that barrier and skeedaddled.
Janeway: Mind if we destroy it?
Barus: Don't you have a Prime Directive or something?
Janeway: We're planning to remember that later.
Seven: Round up some cavemen, we need to move the shuttle debris.
Chakotay: Don't we have a Prime Directive or something?
Seven: It's just one gripe after another with you, isn't it?
Torres: Okay, let's try to bring down the barrier. Fire!
Janeway: OW! Your trick backfired on us!
Torres: I blame Tuvok.
Tuvok: (over the comm) You're fired.
Torres: Remind me to kill him.
Seven: Okay, let's try to bring down the barrier. Fire!
Chakotay: It worked! Ha ha! Chakotay 1, Voyager 0! No, wait, that doesn't work....
Chakotay: Those cavemen did a good job with my leg, eh?
Doc: They're called the Ventu. You do know that, right?
Barus: Get lost, bimbo, we Bad Aliens are doing some exploitation now.
Seven: Hmm. This complicates matters, Ralph.
Barus: My name's not Ralph!
Seven: My name's not "bimbo."
Janeway: So you want us to put the barrier back up?
Chakotay: It's the only way the cavemen can remain cool.
Seven: Pinocchio's right.
Chakotay: Thanks, Sev--hey, wait a minute!
Janeway: Hey Harvey, we've decided to remember the Prime Directive now.
Barus: My name is Barus!
Janeway: Yeah, but it's a stupid name.
Barus: That's it, you're going down!
Janeway: (over the comm) Tom, go do our work for us!
Paris: Those wimpy little ships took out your transporters? Man, somebody was snoozing at Tactical.
Tuvok: (over the comm) You're--
Paris: I know, I know.
Janeway: We win. In your face, Schlepp.
Barus: You think you're so tough, with your wooden first officer and your comm-policing security chief and your Borg bimbo....
Kim: Don't forget the loser at Ops!
Barus: Yeah, you too.
Chakotay: Sorry for making you miss the conference, Seven.
Seven: That's okay, you can make it up to me by wearing this "Behold the Incredible Talking Wooden Man" sign for a week or so.
Chakotay: You drive a hard bargain.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)
Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.