March 4 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:02 PM GMT

See Also: 'Macrocosm' Episode Guide

Tak Tak: In the history of our species, never have we been so insulted!
Neelix: Captain Janeway apologizes for her outrage. But look on the bright side -- at least her dog is back in Alpha Quadrant and couldn't deface any of your sacred forestry on top of everything.
Tak Tak: As punishment, this incident will be used to give Neelix more importance on Voyager.
Janeway: Please, be merciful!

Captain's Log: Great, now what am I supposed to do... make Neelix some kind of ambassador? That'll be the day.
Neelix: If you'd prefer, I've always wanted to be a security officer.
Janeway: Stop eavesdropping on my log entries!

Neelix: Looks like the main computer is down.
Janeway: And worse than that, nobody threw me a "welcome back" party. That is the last time I'm leaving Chakotay in charge.

Neelix: Boy, it sure is getting hot in this small cramped turbolift. We might have to cut down on the clothing.
Janeway: Don't even think about it.
Neelix: We might have to climb through some jeffries tubes. Who knows what could get caught in those tight spa--
Macrovirus: BZZZZZSPLAT!
Neelix: Ewwww!
Janeway: My thoughts exactly.

Neelix: I don't feel so good....
Janeway: Me too. I mean, J/N? That's just wrong.
Neelix: No, I think whatever that lifeform squirted on me is toxic.
Janeway: I'll go get a medkit. You bait here. Er, I mean, wait here. Yes.

Macrovirus: BZZZZZZZ
Janeway: Phew. Now that he's out of the way, I can finally get rid of this darn uniform....

Janeway: Phaser... check. Bigger phaser... check. Dynamite-launching bazooka... damn.

Janeway: This is Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager to anyone who can hear me -- I'm trapped in some sort of terrible horror movie clichť!
Macrovirus: BZZZZZZZ --
Janeway: It's just not the same without the bazooka.

Doc: Captain! Thank goodness you're all right! It was horrible!
Janeway: Why? What happened to the crew?
Doc: Who cares about the crew? It's been days since I've been able to make any witty banter! In fact, I think I'll take this opportunity to narrate a flashback....

Garan miner: (over the comm) We've contracted some kind of mysterious virus that's probably contagious. Can you help us?
Doc: Permission to go on an away mission, Commander?
Chakotay: Well, it's standard policy to send Harry for this sort of thing... but sure, why not.
Doc: Sweet!
Chakotay: Just be careful -- it's not like we have a backup of your program just sitting around the ship.

Doc: Wow, it's like "Honey, I shrunk the virus"! Except the opposite!
Chakotay: (over the comm) Whatever. Just make sure you don't conveniently let them get into Voyager's systems when you beam up.

Crew: Groooooaaaaaan. Help us, Doc.
Paris: I'm nauseous. Help me, Doc.
Torres: There are viruses coming out of my neck. Help me, Doc.
Doc: Why does everything always happen to me?

Janeway: So you just ran away and hid?
Doc: I'm a doctor, not an exterminator. Now, I've replicated this gigantic can of Raid that should do the trick....
Janeway: Boo-ring.
Doc: ...and I've attached it to a bomb.
Janeway: Now you're talking.

Doc: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain -- I've been forced to hide like a little girl again. But on the plus side, this time I get witty banter while I do!
Janeway: Sigh. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Tak Tak: (over the comm) We have detected a macrovirus infection. We must purify your vessel.
Janeway: Oh, thank goodness. You're just in time.
Tak Tak: Did I say "purify"? I meant "wipe out all living organisms on board."
Janeway: Crap.

Janeway: I think I have a plan to distract the macroviruses while I set off the Raid bomb.
Holograms: (over the comm) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Our fair haven is being attacked by macroviruses!
Doc: (over the comm) If only.
Janeway: What was that?
Doc: Nothing.

Janeway: Well, it's not a dynamite-launching bazooka, but it'll have to do.
Bomb: Tick... tick... tick....
Janeway: I really should make those holodecks explosion-proof, but how often would you really need that sort of thing?

Chakotay: The crew's having a get-together if you'd like to join us, Captain.
Janeway: No, thanks. It'll be a few days before I can look at Neelix without getting queasy.
Chakotay: Have it your way. Chakotay to Neelix -- change of plans for the entertainment tonight.
Neelix: (over the comm) You mean we can watch the security tapes of the captain running around the ship in her tank top?
Janeway: I'm going to leave you on an asteroid somewhere if it takes me another four years.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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