Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:41 PM GMT

See Also: 'Jetrel' Episode Guide

Neelix: Oh no, I'm screwed! Tuvok's about to get the eight ball!
Paris: Call a safety.
Neelix: Ha, I'm not a wuss.
Paris: Yes you are.
Neelix: You make a compelling argument. Safety it is.

Janeway: You want to speak to who?
Jetrel: (on viewscreen) Neelix, please.
Janeway: One second, let me see if he's available. (It's Jetrel)
Neelix: (Tell him I'm not here)
Janeway: He's not here right now, can I take a message?
Jetrel: Oh, come on. I can see you two whispering on my viewscreen.
Neelix: Run for the hills!

Janeway: My ready room is not "the hills".
Neelix: That man is a mass murderer. He killed everyone on the moon of Rinax, including my family.
Janeway: That's... really depressing and hard to make light of.
Neelix: Yep.

Jetrel: Whoa, teleportation rewls!
Janeway: Just tell us why you're here.
Jetrel: Neelix may have a disease called advanced Metremia, which is caused by exposure to the Metryon Cascade.
Janeway: That's the thingie that killed those thingies, right? (points to Neelix)
Jetrel: Indeed. If you help me Neelix, I might be able to find a cure.
Neelix: I won't play lab rat to ease your conscience.
Jetrel: But you so look the part!
Janeway: Aw, come on. It'd be fun.
Neelix: (sigh) You all really take the fun out of playing the victim.

Neelix: Kes, let me tell you an allegory.
Kes: Woohoo, an allegory within an allegory!
Neelix: Crap. I didn't expect you to know what an allegory was.
Jetrel: Are you done Allegoring? 'Cause you have Metremia.
Neelix: Ouch. Sounds totalle gory.

Jetrel: Your transporters are awesome. I've just spent the last hour or so transporting from one circle on the pad to another.
Janeway: What about the cure for Metremia?
Jetrel: Oh, that. We can use the transporters to beam up the hazardous, toxic gas which surrounds the moon of Rinax.
Janeway: Will it help you find a cure?
Jetrel: Um. Sure, why not?

Captain's Log: A logbook entry is a great way to dismiss long, heated discussions. In this case, the one where Kes convinced Neelix to stay in sickbay with Jetrel for an extended period of time.

Neelix: You know the worst thing about the Metryon Cascade? It killed everybody on an entire moon.
Jetrel: That's the only thing about the Metryon Cascade.
Neelix: Also, the little girl I found on the surface who could only cry out "Braaaiiins!"
Jetrel: That's from a scene in "Night of the Talaxian Zombies".
Neelix: You're a monster. And I hope you die tomorrow.
Jetrel: Likelihood is high -- I have Advanced Metremia.
Neelix: Oh yeah? Well I have... um... regular Metremia.
Jetrel: Just sit down and let me work.

Neelix's Dream: I am allegorical.
Al Gore: And I am Al Gore.

Neelix: Aahh! What a nightmare!

Janeway: Neelix, we've reached Rinax.
Neelix: Anybody wanna hear another sad story?
Kim: (sob) Make him stop, Captain. Make him stop!
Neelix: Fine then. Brooding alone is more fun anyhow.

Torres: Is this container big enough for you?
Jetrel: More volume! Moderately more surface area! More Gas!
Torres: Er, okay.
Jetrel: Muahaha!
Torres: We usually catch onto evil laughter around here.
Jetrel: Um, that was blowing kisses and laughing. Yeah. Mua! Haha!
Torres: Disturbing for different reasons. I suppose we can allow that.
Jetrel: Muahahaha!

Kes: Neelix, what are you doing in the corner?
Neelix: I can brood alone, damnit. See? I can be an introvert.
Kes: Haha. No really, why are you doing this?
Neelix: Because I'm a coward and a hippie.
Kes: Well, you dress like one--
Neelix: I protested the war and hid from the army! There, I said it.
Kes: What's the penalty for that?
Neelix: Death.
Kes: Then you were a foolhardy hippie, not a cowardly one.
Neelix: Is that a good thing to be?
Kes: Um, sure.
Neelix: Hooray! I'm foolhardy!

Neelix: I came to apolo-- Holy Sonic and Knuckles! Is that thing breathi--
Hypospray: Pssss!
Jetrel: Muaheheh.

Janeway: Sickbay, report!
Sickbay: (over the comm) (silence)
Janeway: Computer, activate EMH.
Doctor: (over the comm) Please state the-- whoa! Somebody sedated Neelix.
Tuvok: Jetrel is in the transporter room.
Doctor: With a hamster tranquilizer!

Jetrel: Muahahaha! Alas, the victims of Rinax will live again!
Neelix: Buh?
Jetrel: The cloud around the moon! It's people! We can rematerialize them with the transporter, they'll walk once more! Muahaha!
Janeway: Wait a second, that's not a diabolical plan. That's an unrealistic humanitarian plan.
Jetrel: Don't you see? This will prove I'm not a monster.
Janeway: I dunno, this seems farfetched even for us.
Neelix: So you'll do it?
Janeway: Don't be silly, of course.

Reincarnated Victim: Gurgle.
Neelix: Woohoo, it's working!
Reincarnated Victim: GAK!
Jetrel: Gak!
Neelix: Woohoo, he's croaking!
Janeway: I'm seeing a pattern here.

Captain's Log: With Jetrel dying, there's something that needs to be addressed. Namely, how much can we pawn his shuttle for?

Jetrel: Neelix! I'm so glad you're visiting me on my deathbed, muahahaha!
Neelix: Look, I just came to tell you that I forgive you.
Jetrel: Most excellent. My machinations toward personal redemption have succeeded! GAK!
Neelix: Finally.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.