Good Shepherd

By JD Curran
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:48 PM GMT

See Also: 'Good Shepherd' Episode Guide

Janeway: Chakotay, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Chakotay: Kim, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Kim: Torres, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Torres: Harren, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Harren: Janeway, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Janeway: See, this is why I never delegate.

Billy: I'm sick! Whaaa!
Celes: I'm inept! Whaaa!
Billy: Is this all we get for character development?
Celes: Don't complain; it's more than Harry's gotten in six years.

Seven: All our problems are caused by three guys.
Janeway: Then I'll take them all on one away mission.
Tuvok: And maroon them? Excellent thinking, Captain.
Janeway: No, I'll nurture them to be perfect members of my crew.
Tuvok: That was my second guess.

Billy: I can't go, I'm sick!
Celes: I can't go, I'm inept!
Janeway: Tough. And what's Harren's excuse?
Celes: Uh...he blew off this meeting.
Janeway: At least there's hope for one of you.

Crewman: Welcome to Voyager's basement, Captain.
Janeway: Do people get lost here?
Spinal Tap: Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland! Oh, bollocks...
Crewman: All the time.

Harren: Gee, I'd love to go, Captain. There's just one teensy little thing...
Janeway: Which is?
Harren: Your brain! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Janeway: You're insubordinate. I like that.

Janeway: Here's the final mission briefing.
Billy, Celes, Harren: Piss, whine, moan, complain.
Seven: Why bother, Captain? They're losers.
Janeway: Well, Seven, it has to do with the fable of the Good Shepherd--
Seven: Whoa. Is this some lame folk tale? Isn't this Chakotay's hallmark?
Janeway: Okay, it has to do with a 19th-century novel--
Seven: Never mind, please.

Paris: Harren, be my friend.
Harren: No. I've got a bigger brain and more education than you.
Paris: I've got a girlfriend.
Harren: Then I've got bigger finger callouses than you, too.

Billy: Please, Doc! TREAT ME!
Doc: To do that, I'd have to be near you. Surely you see my dilemma?

Janeway: Joy! We're suddenly on our mission.
Harren: How long do we have to stay out here?
Janeway: It's a three-hour tour.
Billy and Celes: (singing) A three-hour tour!
Harren: That's what she said before we went into the Badlands six years ago. Lovely.

Janeway: So what's your story?
Harren: I'm unbearable. Wanna know more?
Janeway: No, thanks. I prefer my co-stars to be one-dimensional.

Janeway: Something just hit us and drained our fuel.
Harren: It must be something I theorized about once.
Janeway: No, it's not.
Harren: Wha--! You--! Why'd you bring me on this mission, if all you're going to do is insult my intelligence?
Janeway: If you're going to answer your own question, why ask?

Billy: The outlook is grim. We'll all probably die.
Janeway: Not to worry. I've got another 14 minutes to pull off a happy ending.
Harren: You mean 12 minutes. UPN cut our run time to fit in more commercials, remember?
Janeway: Oh, raspberries.

Harren: You suck!
Billy: No, you suck!
Celes: Well, I suck, too!
Janeway: You all suck! Now listen: Celes, screwing up is okay, and Harren, socializing is fun. And Billy--
Billy: AAAUGH! There's a space worm inside me!
Janeway: I've just about had it with your attention-grabbing stunts, Billy.
Billy: Please, sedate me!
Janeway: No, I'd rather delight in your torment.
Billy: Gosh, are you the Janeway from "Living Witness?"

Janeway: Wanna be friends?
Harren: Nope.
Janeway: Just checking.

Billy: Hey, the space worm just jumped out of me, and my hypochondria is cured!
Janeway: Harren, why did you kill the worm?
Harren: It caused a change in a character. It's unnatural, I tell you!

Janeway: The space worms are pissed. Let's escape.
Harren: Ha! I'm already in an escape pod on an uncharacteristically noble, self-sacrificing mission!
Billy: You'll die.
Harren: It's just as well; I'd die of embarrassment if my friends ever found out how badly this mission went.
Celes: But you don't have any friends!
Harren: Hmm, good point. I'll come back. Then they can kill us all.

Doc: Was your mission a success?
Janeway: Yep!
Celes: From now on, I'll revel in my incompetence!
Harren: And I'll enjoy inflicting my personality defects on my crewmates!
Billy: And now that I'm well, I'll bring my weeniness to far more away missions!
Doc: Maybe we should qualify the word "success," Captain.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

JD Curran is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.