By JD Curran
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:49 PM GMT

See Also: 'Fury' Episode Guide

Janeway: Happy birthday, Tuvok. Here's a cake.
Tuvok: I'm not impressed.
Janeway: Blow out the damn candle, mister.

Kes: Hi! I'm old. Can I come aboard?
Janeway: Sure!
Kes: Suckers!
Kim: Kes rammed us, and she's trashing the ship!
Janeway: This has "long day" written all over it.

Kes: I wuv the warp core!
Torres: Get away from there, skank!
Kes: So there!

Seven: Catfight in engineering. Kes traveled back in time, and B'Elanna's dead.
Janeway: Any reaction, Tom?
Paris: Pfft.

Kes: I'm young! I'm beautiful!
Torres: Hi.
Kes: Who you calling a skank?
Torres: Easy, Kes! We might think you're an evil imposter from the future!
Kes: Good point. I'll just wander off innocently. La la la la....

Kes: Computer, what Voyager season is this?
Computer: Season One.
Kes: Good, I'm still employed. Doc, can I have a hypospray filled with powerful sedatives?
Doc: Promise you won't use it for evil?
Kes: Promise!
Doc: I wish you wouldn't cross your fingers when you promise.

Original Kes: Hey, it's my future self! Why am I so pissy?
Kes: Menopause. Go figure.
Hypospray: Pssss!

Neelix: Hi, sweetie!
Kes: Piss off.
Neelix: Wow, someone's in an evil mood.

Chakotay: The Vidiians suck.
Kes: They sure do. It'd be awful if I betrayed you all and let them kill you.
Janeway: It's not worth thinking about.
Kes: Can I use your console to send a message?
Janeway: Dial "9" first.

Tuvok: You disturb me.
Kes: Get over it.

Janeway: We'll get through this dangerous region using the autopilot.
Paris: I'll start inflating him right away.
Tuvok: Let's use the Delta Flyer.
Janeway: Huh? Isn't that a little red wagon?
Tuvok: No, that's the Radio Fly--oh, never mind.

Kes: I'm not planning to kill you all and fly back to Ocampa!
Paris: Then why are you plotting a course to Ocampa?
Kes: No reason.
Paris: You've also got an Ocampa travelogue in your pocket.

Naomi: Tuvok! Greetings from Season Six!
Tuvok: Yikes, another vision from the future!
Joe Carey: Really? What happens to me in the future?
Tuvok: I don't know.
Joe Carey: C'mon! Screw the Temporal Prime Directive! Tell me!
Tuvok: If only I could!

Vidiian: Hey, don't I have one of your lungs?
Kes: I'll help you kill everyone if you let me go home.
Vidiian: Done! And I'll throw in a "Damron's Guide to Ocampa" for free.

Tuvok: I'm losing my mind.
Janeway: Sucks to be you.

Janeway: Activate the autopilot.

Janeway: Is Naomi's mom knocked up?
Doc: Yep. The betting pool has 3:1 odds that Tom Paris is the father.

Tuvok: I've lost my mind.
Torres: Sucks to be you.

Doc: Hey, the medical treatment you gave Tuvok almost killed him!
Kes: You don't say.
Janeway: Fleexles and schmoozitrons are responsible. That means someone on board is a time-traveling imposter!
Kes: If that were true, my psychic abilities would have detected her!
Janeway: Still....

Vidiian: Help us kill everyone now! Now, now, now, now, now....
Kes: Pfffine.

Paris: We're under attack!
Chakotay: And the scanners say Kes is weird.
Janeway: I know where I'm needed. You have the bridge, Chuckles.
Paris: Oops, the autopilot just deflated!
Chakotay: Dang.

Doc: Time to press a button and take care of the problem.
Doc: Daisssyyy, daaaaaiiiiisssssyyyy, giiiiiiiv meeeeeeeee yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr......

Kim: We're being boarded!
Chakotay: Not to worry. I'll take care of this as easy as landing a shuttle.
Kim: Uh-oh.

Kes: Let's go home!
Original Kes: Wait till Mom finds out she has twins.
Janeway: Why are you doing this?
Kes: Something has to stop those "Bring Back Kes" newsgroups. I'm outta here.
Janeway: Stop!
Kes: I have psychic powers! MWUHAHAHAHA!
Janeway: I'm armed.
Kes: Oh, fudge.

Kim: We're okay.
Chakotay: Damage report.
Kim: Ratings holding at 4.2.
Janeway: Janeway to bridge. Kes is dead.
Kim: Ratings just jumped to 5.7.
Chakotay: Nice work.

Janeway: In the near future, you'll hate us.
Original Kes: Sorry in advance.
Janeway: Janeway to bridge. Prepare Emergency Reset Button.

Janeway: Happy birthday, Tuvok. Here's a c--
Tuvok: Yeah, whatever. Isn't Kes hailing us?
Kim: Kes crashed, ship trashed, you know the drill.

Kes: I hate you all!
Original Kes Home Video: No, you love them!
Kes: Oh, that's right! I love you all!
Janeway: Cool. Bye.
(Kes' shuttle takes off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

JD Curran is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.