Fair Trade

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:03 PM GMT

See Also: 'Fair Trade' Episode Guide

Neelix: I want to do something for the ship. Can I be a security officer?
Tuvok: Well, I'm not going to say it's impossible, but only because I'm trying to be polite.
Neelix: Then can I be an engineer?
Torres: See above, without the politeness.

Janeway: Neelix, what's that big thing right there?
Neelix: That's the viewscreen, Captain.
Janeway: No, I mean what's on the viewscreen?
Neelix: Oh, that's the Nekrit expanse.
Janeway: Er, does that mean dead or naked? 'Cause neither one sounds really appealing.

Bahrat: (over the comm) What do you want?
Janeway: We want to dock with you and get supplies.
Bahrat: Okay, let me give you the legal boilerplate. "I the undersigned do hereby agree that my first officer is --"
Janeway: I agree. Let's get on with it.

Sutok: You wanna buy some death sticks?
Paris: You don't want to sell me death sticks.
Sutok: I don't want to sell you death sticks.
Paris: You want to go home and rethink your life.
Sutok: I want to go home and rethink my life.
Paris: Yes! Jedi mind tricks really do work on the weak-minded! Hey, Chakotay, where are you going?
Chakotay: I'm going home to rethink my life.

Neelix: Yes, I'd like to buy three pairs of long underwear, a map of the Nekrit expanse, and some usefulness to the crew of Voyager.
Vendor: All I've got is this pack of starving, crazed weasels.
Wix: He'll take them.
Neelix: Wix? Is that really you?
Wix: If ever a Wix there was.

Neelix: So how're things going with you?
Wix: Well, --
Neelix: Wow, that's really great. I've been doing okay except that my usefulness on board has run out, nobody wants me to assist them, and I haven't told the Captain we're out of coffee yet.
Wix: You are so screwed.

Wix: Good news. I found a map of the Nekrit expanse and all you need to do is just one slightly shady thing involving giving drugs to some people..
Neelix: Fortunately I'm such a bright ball of sunshine, the shadiness will just disappear!
Wix: I'm starting to see why you're worried about being kicked off Voyager.

Neelix: You know, maybe this mission is a little too shady after all. Please tell me there's a ray of light to this whole adventure.
Wix: A ray of light? Heck, I'll give you a whole shaft!
Neelix: That's not making me feel any better.

Sutok: Do you have the drugs?
Wix: Yep. You got the money?
Sutok: I've got your money right here
Wix: Nice shooting, Greedo. (ZAP!)

Neelix: Those drugs were ... drugs! Don't deny it!
Wix: It's kind of hard to deny tautologies.
Neelix: I thought we were practicing frontier medicine!
Wix: More of border-running medicine.

Captain's Log: Something's up. And it's not just my hair.

Tuvok: Do you know anything about the murder on the station?
Neelix: Murder? What murder? Heh.
Tuvok: The one the Captain just told us about during the briefing.
Neelix: Oh, that one. Um, er, nope. Don't know nothing.
Tuvok: Should I point out that you've used a double negative, and therefore logically must know something?
Neelix: I'd rather you didn't.

Tuvok: Do you know anything about the murder on the station?
Wix: You mean the one that occurred at 0400 hours in corridor C by a left-handed Han-Solo wannabe using a Federation phaser? Nope, nothing. Sorry.
Tuvok: Well, it was worth a shot.

Neelix: I can't believe you lied to Tuvok!
Wix: Well, technically I didn't. I don't really want to be Han Solo.
Neelix: Things can't get any worse.
Wix: Oh that reminds me, the owners of those drugs need you to steal Voyager's warp plasma or they'll disembowel us in the most painful way possible.
Neelix: I need to learn to stop saying that.

Neelix: Tom, what did you do to go to prison?
Tom: Basically I would say it was because I didn't tell the truth, launched a coverup, and refused to be roommates with Wesley Crusher.
Neelix: Well that obviously has no relation to my predicament.

Wix: So where's the warp plasma?
Neelix: I didn't take it.
Wix: Things can't get any worse.
Neelix: Oh, and I have a plan to capture your employers.
Wix: Nope, I was wrong.

Bahrat: As you can see from this video, I arrested Chakotay and Paris for using the Force on that sleazebag.
Janeway: You can't arrest my officers for that!
Bahrat: Here's the contract you agreed to earlier. Maybe you should actually read it this time.
Janeway: "...do hereby agree that my first officer is guilty until proven guilty. And so is my pilot. Especially if either or both use the Force."

Neelix: Chakotay and Paris didn't kill the drug guy. It was me and Wix.
Bahrat: Then how come you're still alive?
Neelix: No, I mean, Wix and I killed the drug guy.
Bahrat: Oh. In that case you're under arrest.
Neelix: Wait, what if we caught the drug dealers for you? All we need is some warp plasma.
Bahrat: Ha! If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
Neelix: So you'll let us do it?
Bahrat: Sure.

Neelix: (on video) Never saw the sun,... Never saw the sun,... Never saw the sun....
Bahrat: Look. They're looping the video. That means they're about to make the trade.

Neelix: Never saw the sun,... Never --
Wix: Geez, don't you know the rest of the words to the song?
Neelix: No, what are they?
Tosin: If you ever want to see the sun again, you'd better give me that warp plasma.
Neelix: No, I don't think that's it.

Tosin: Hey, this warp plasma isn't pure! Didn't I say "Give me impure warp plasma and die?"
Neelix: Oh, I thought you said, "Give me impure warp plasma or die." By the way, you're under arrest.
Tosin: You can't arrest me; I've got a weapon.
Neelix: Uh, I wouldn't fire that weapon. I followed your other instruction too; "Put the plasma in a leaky container or die."
Tosin: I hate you.

Bahrat: All right, everyone stand down. Especially you low-life drug dealers.
Tosin: I don't have to take that from you, you fascist pig!
Neelix: Now, now, let's not start a flame war.
Henchman: ZAP!

Neelix: There's no place like home,... There's no place like -- Oh, it was all just a dream.
Doctor: Your injuries say otherwise.
Neelix: But you were there, and you were there, and you were there.
Janeway: Cut it out, Neelix. I'm still trying to decide on a good punishment for you. It's too bad Wesley Crusher isn't on board....
(Janeway thinks of punishments for Neelix at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.