February 23 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 3:01 PM GMT

See Also: 'Endgame' Episode Guide

Newscaster: Lemme lay some exposition on you. Voyager took 23 years to get home. This is 10 years after that. Janeway is old and sad. All clear? Let's rock.

Sabrina: Hi, I'm Naomi's daughter Sabrina. Sab for short. Admiral Sab to you.
Future Kim: So in ten years or so, you'll be Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Hee hee hee!
Sabrina: I hex you.

Future Kim: Nice reunion. Too bad I missed the funeral of Ch--
Admiral Janeway: Shut up! That's supposed to be ambiguous at this point.

Future Doc: Hi. I'm Joe and this is my trophy wife.
Future Paris: You named yourself after Carey? Bad karma.
Lana: Just be glad I talked him out of "The Loooooooove Doctor."

Future Barclay: A toast to Voyager's dead guys: Cha--
Admiral Janeway: Shh!
Future Barclay: and Se--
Admiral: Shh!

Admiral: Okay, class, ask me some questions.
Student 1: Why are you just going by "Admiral"?
Admiral: "Admiral Janeway" takes too long to type. Next?
Student 2: Do you intend to travel back in time and alter history so that Voyager gets home 16 years earlier, violating the Temporal Prime Directive and risking irreparable damage to the timestream?
Admiral: I plead the Fifth.

Miral Paris: (over the comm) Your foolhardy Klingon-related mission is ready to go.
Admiral: Excellent.

Admiral: I have to go, my poor insane friend.
Future Tuvok: .lla uoy esufnoc ot sraey rof sdrawkcab gniklat neeb tsuj ev'I ,enasni ton m'I.
Admiral: Ah, Tuvok...you're crazier than a room full of chimps on a caffeine high.

Future Barclay: Can I come? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Admiral: No, somebody has to spill the beans to Joe later.

Admiral: Now to chat with my dead first officer.
Chakotay's Ghost: Wooooooo! Booga booga! Fear my wrath, trespasser!
Admiral: Oh, go away.
Ghost: Don't like the spooky stuff? I can be Chakotay the Friendly Ghost if you want....
Admiral: I see you're a suckup in death as in life.

Torres: ARRRRGH! When will this accursed pregnancy end?
Doc: You know the rules. No births may take place unless we're under attack.

Chakotay: Woooooo! Booga booga! Oh, wait...we're back in Season 7 now, aren't we?
Janeway: Stop wasting the final J/C scene on confusion. So, want a date later?
Chakotay: No. I don't like you anymore.
Janeway: That's cool, I didn't like you in the first place.

Chakotay: Well, here we go with C/7. So what exactly do you see in me?
Seven: Your many tree-like qualities? I dunno.
Chakotay: I'm stumped too.

Doc: You lost to Icheb? Either you're going insane or he cheated.
Tuvok: If you mix up the letters of "Chakotay," you get "oak yacht."
Doc: Insanity it is.

Neelix: (over the comm) I'm getting a steady stream of death threats from J/Cers and D/7ers for suggesting that picnic. So how did it go?
Seven: Not bad. He's handsome for an oak yacht.

Janeway: We've found a nebula full of wormholes.
Kim: But wouldn't the wormholes suck up the nebula?
Janeway: I said wormholes, not plot holes.

Joe: Perhaps I'll find a clue in Tuvok's rants.
Future Tuvok: ".oh ykcat a" teg uoy ",yatokahC" fo srettel eht pu xim uoy fI
Joe: I've had enough of your backtalk.

Future Barclay: J-J-Janeway's mission is c-c-c-classified.
Joe: You're stuttering.
Future Barclay: No I'm n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-not.

Korath: Hello. I am a Klingon.
Admiral: Yeah, like I hadn't noticed.
Korath: Hello. I am a Klingon.
Admiral: You just said that!
Guard: That's all he says. It's his only personality trait.

Paris: AAAAAAAA! A cube!
Chakotay: I need more information. Borg cube, sugar cube, Rubik's cube, what?

Borg: There's Voyager. Let's get it.
Borg Queen: You idiots! Don't you remember our foolish "don't strike till we feel threatened" policy?

Kim: I say we should go back into the nebula.
Paris: The Borg would get us, fool.
Kim: I know. I have an assimilation wish.

Chakotay: Time for another C/7 scene.
Seven: Ho-hum.

Doc: Time for a D/7 scene. Right? Right?
Seven: No, loser. I have a new man now.
Doc: Holographic?
Seven: Wooden.
Doc: I thought they stopped making those.

Admiral: Now I will steal your time-travel gizmo.
Korath: Hello. I am a Klingon.
Admiral: You know, all things considered, you're not the most fearsome adversary I've ever faced.

Future Kim: I have come to prevent you from changing the past.
Admiral: If you let me do it, I'll give you a cookie.
Future Kim: Done.

Seven: I'm emotional now. Kiss me, yacht-boy!
Chakotay: Hang on -- what exactly are "emotions"?

Admiral: Here I go into the past.
Future Kim: Hey! You never gave me that cookie!
Admiral: Oh, boo hoo.

Admiral: Greetings, my idiotic past self. I (you) am here to get you (me) home.
Janeway: This is going to get very confusing very fast.

Borg Queen: As Part I ends, I'm watching everything they do. How ominous is that?

Admiral: Welcome to Part II. Here's the scoop: I'm you, just older, and I've come back so you guys can get home earlier.
Janeway: You're aware, of course, that this all makes about as much sense as the backwards ramblings of a Vulcan nutcase.
Admiral: Less, actually.

Doc: I see you have a chip in your head.
Admiral: Yep. It lets me fly ships with my brain.
Janeway: Brain and brain! What is brain?

Captain's Log: At last I have a good excuse for talking to myself.

Seven: AAAAAAAA! It's the original Borg Queen!
Borg Queen: I don't remember the idea ever being original. Anyway, stay out of my nebula.
Seven: I don't wanna.
Borg Queen: Do you "wanna" get assimilated?
Seven: Would you settle for Harry?

Seven: The Queen gave me a warning.
Admiral: Big whoop. She's irrelevant.
Janeway: You know, Borg clichés are futile.

Chakotay: Time for another C/7 scene.
Seven: Ho-hum.

Paris: The last P/T scene...I'm nostalgic already. Nice to be the only 'ship C/7 didn't mess up, isn't it?
Torres: Very. Now get lost, I'm engineering.

Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Janeway: Our armoured ship will now kick your collective butt.
Borg: Oh, fiddlesticks.

Seven: A transwarp hub!
Janeway: Cool! Can anybody read the lettering on the transwarp hubcap?
Admiral: What's your problem? Go home already!
Janeway: You know, I've had quite enough of your transwarp hubris....

Janeway: I vote we blow it up.
Admiral: I vote we use it to get home.
Kim: Do I get a vote?
Janeway: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you're serious?

Admiral: Okay, I'll level with you: Seven's going to die. And marry Chakotay.
Janeway: Oh no! Which one happens first?

Janeway: I hear you're slowly going nuts.
Tuvok: To quote Spock: "Yes."
Janeway: When did he say that?
Tuvok: Well, he must have at some point.

Admiral: But you're going to die! How can that not bother you?
Seven: Well, it'll get me out of being yacht-boy's wife....

Janeway: So I'd like to blow up yet another chance to get home. Is that cool with you guys?
Kim: It's so cool with me I'm going to make a speech. (ahem) Voyager good, Borg bad.
Paris: Well said. Let's drink.

Admiral: Sorry I've been so moronic.
Janeway: No biggie. Wanna sacrifice your life to get us home?
Admiral: I was hoping you'd say that.

Chakotay: Time for another C/7 scene.
Seven: Ho-hum. This is the last one, right?

Torres: GYAAAAAAAGGGH! I'm in labour!
Paris: It's Labour Day? Wahoo! Three-day weekend!
Torres: Come closer so I can pull your brain out through your eye sockets.

Admiral: Hiya. I've come to compromise with Borg.
Borg Queen: I thought you didn't do that.
Admiral: That's the other me. This me thinks Borg are nifty.
Borg Queen: Okay. Mind being one?
Admiral: Yeah, kinda--GAK!

Janeway: Here we are in the transwarp hub. Fire!
Tuvok: There it goes. Oo, what a pretty explosion.
Janeway: Okay, Tom, burn rubber!
Paris: That expression only makes sense in a vehicle with tires.
Janeway: Do I have to demote you again?

Borg Queen: ARRRRRRGH! "Too late, my time has come...sent shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time...."
Admiral: Why are you singing "Bohemian Rhapsody"?
Borg Queen: I'm the Borg Queen, aren't I? "Goodbye everybody, I've got to go...."

Tuvok: There's a sphere coming for us like the enormous transwarp bowling ball of destiny.
Janeway: That was descriptive. Can we escape?
Kim: Yes, but that'll get us lost again.
Janeway: Hmmm....

Barclay: Oh no, a Borg sphere! Wait, it exploded. And Voyager was inside.
Janeway: (over the comm) Wahoo! We're back!
Admiral Paris: Good. Now I can finally put you on trial for your many, many crimes.
Janeway: Eep.

Doc: Hey Tom, your daughter wants to say hi!
Miral: Hi.
Doc: Stop that, you can't speak yet.

Tuvok: Woo hoo! We made it home! Weeeeee are the chammmmpions! Rah! Rah!
Janeway: Somebody get Tuvok out of that cheerleader outfit.
Chakotay: And put Seven in it?
Seven: You wish.
(Voyager saunters off to Earth at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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