By Jade
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 1:40 PM GMT

See Also: 'Cathexis' Episode Guide

Mrs. Templeton: Hi, I'm Mrs. Templeton, and it's my job to make your life hell.
Janeway: Hi, I'm Miss Davenport, and since I'm a Starfleet Captain in real life I'm going to use my hard-earned diplomatic skills on you. How's about not making my life hell?
Kim: (over the comm) Sorry to interrupt your terribly interesting holonovel, Captain, but we've just found Tuvok and Chakotay unconscious in their shuttle, and thus must cut any pointless scenes short.
Janeway: Aw!

Doctor: Chakotay's dead. Well, sorta. Half-dead. Brain dead. Dead but not really dead. Whatever.
Janeway: Aw!

Tuvok: Some alien ship near a nebula zapped us. If we go back maybe they'll give us Chakotay's soul back. Or eat the rest of our souls, but whatever.
Janeway: Tuvok! You're not supposed to be exposed until the end of the episode!
Tuvok: Oh, um, yeah. Right. Forget I said that.

Janeway: I can't see into the nebula. Maybe if I use some technobabble...
Paris: Hey, who just changed course?
Kim: Um, that would be you, Tom.
Paris: Was not!
Janeway: I believe you, Tommy darling!
Kim: I wouldn't say that in front of Chakotay if I were you. He might get jealous and make Tom do it again, you never know...

Doctor: Hey, I said no more decorating sickbay! Not after what happened to it in "Phage"!
Torres: It's not a decoration, it's a medicine wheel. So there.

Kes: Hey, I sense a presence! I must tell Neelix about it so he can get all paranoid and jealous.

Kes: Neelix, I sensed a presence in my room earlier.
Neelix: Kes, you're making me all paranoid and jealous!

Janeway: Okay, who changed course this time?
Torres: Tom again.
Paris: B'Elanna! How could you say such a thing?
Janeway: Tommy darling, it's season one. She still thinks you're a pig. But don't worry, I still believe you! Go to sickbay now, run along dear.
Paris: Um, I think you're getting a little too into the British governess thing.
Janeway: Sorry, just trying to give the J/Pers something in this ep. They don't get much, y'know.
Paris: And this is a bad thing?

Tuvok: We should go this way. All the better to eat us with.
Janeway: What did I tell you about exposing yourself?
Tuvok: Sorry. Hey, B'Elanna just shut down the warp core!
Torres: Did not!
Janeway: I've heard that phrase far too many times for one fiver. It's getting annoying.

Paris: Hey B'Elanna, I'm sitting across from you!
Torres: So?
Paris: Just pointing out the P/T in this episode.
Torres: How is that P/T?
Paris: Any scene with us anywhere near each other is P/T! Well, depending on how you look at it.
Torres: Whatever, can we get back to the funny parts now? It's not like we even talk to each other in this scene.
Paris: Yeah, but--
Torres: Zip it!
Paris: Sorry.

Doctor: An alien inhabited Tom and B'Elanna and made them do those things.
Janeway: Oh no! I'd better give you all my command codes.
Doctor: Does that mean I get to sit in the Big Chair?
Janeway: No.

Tuvok: Wanna let me pretend to be taking you to my quarters for a mind meld when we're suddenly both rendered unconscious by the alien, only not really cos I'll give you a Vulcan neck pinch?
Kes: Sure!

Kim: Aaaah! Tuvok and Kes have been hurt by the alien!
Tuvok: That's what you think, Ensign-boy! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Kim: Did you say something?
Tuvok: Nope. I'm not talking. I'm unconscious. My eyes are closed, see? I'm being completely silent!
Kim: O-kay...

Neelix: Hey Doc, you mind if I act all paranoid?
Doctor: Yes.
Tuvok: Hey Doc, you mind if I reconfigure the sensors?
Doctor: Yes.
Kes: Hey Doc, since I'm in a coma, would you mind mentioning my injuries to Tuvok?
Doctor: Sure I will, Kes. Anything for you!

Janeway: Okay. How's Kes?
Tuvok: She's okay, seeing as I attacked her. Er, um, I mean, seeing as the alien attacked her.
Janeway: You're acting suspicious. I'm gonna call sickbay. Doc, hello?
Computer: The EMH is not home at the moment due to sabotagey technobabbly stuff done by Tuvok. Please leave a message after the tone. Beeeep!
Janeway: Drat. Looks like I'm gonna have to give you half of my command codes.
Tuvok: Oh goody! Um, I mean, yes, that seems logical...

Janeway: Okay, listen up everyone, I'm gonna have to...smack Tuvok upside the head!
Tuvok: Hey, that's not what we agr--oof!
All: Yay! Brawl! Woohoo! Get 'em!
Tuvok's Phaser: Zap!
Tuvok: Much better.

Torres: Captain, the shuttle records have been tampered with to make it look like Tuvok's not lying!
Paris: Captain, Kes was injured by a Vulcan neck pinch!
Janeway: Tuvok, this is looking very suspicious.

Durst: We've just entered the nebula.
Janeway: Please don't state the obvious, it might cause me to send you on a dangerous away mission in a few episodes.
Durst: *gulp*

Tuvok/Alien: I am an alien like the other ones in this nebula and we're going to eat your souls!
Janeway: O-kay...hey, look, the aliens are rocking the ship! Let me take advantage of the distraction to activate the technobabbly pulse thing!
Janeway: I love it when aliens do that.

Captain's Log: I saved the day with my quick thinking, so we're all safe. Yay me!

Doctor: Thanks to my genius, Chakotay will be fine. Yay me!
Janeway: So, Chuckles darling, how are you?
Chakotay: I'm okay. Um...could you take your hands off my bare chest? They're kinda cold.
Janeway: Sorry, just trying to keep the J/Cers happy.
Chakotay: Oh! Well, in that case, you could maybe, oh, I don't know....
Janeway: Don't push it, Tattoo Boy.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Jade is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.