Bride of Chaotica!

By Alexia
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:35 PM GMT

See Also: 'Bride of Chaotica!' Episode Guide

Chaotica: Mwhahahaha... I have kidnapped a screaming woman. I can finally defeat Proton and get my girl, Arachnia.
Chaotica: Shut up!

Kim: Chaotica on line one.
Goodheart: (over the comm) AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Paris: Shut up. Er, I mean... let her go.
Chaotica: (over the comm) But I was going to give her to Arachnia. I bought the gift wrap and everything.

Paris: The ship has been hit. We're going to crash.
Kim: Should we do something?
Paris: Nah, we need to get to Planet X anyway... this'll save time.

Kim: This looks familiar. Isn't this the same set as the last episode?
Paris: We keep one thing the same, and you moan about it.
Kim: Wait a minute, a glowing thingie.
Paris: Uh oh.

Janeway: Chakotay, what have you done now?
Chakotay: (sniffle) You always blame me.
Janeway: Well, it usually is you.

Paris: Let's shoot them. (ZAP!)
Guard: Urg... ack... groan... it's getting dark....
Kim: Oh, just die.
Guard: You spoil all my fun. GAK!

Tuvok: We've gone into subspace and we got stuck in some gooey stuff.
Janeway: Let's drive the ship really fast. That always works.

Paris: The doors won't open -- we're stuck.
Kim: Er... Tom? More big glowy things.
Paris: That's not good.
Kim: Can't we just beam out?
Paris: In a holodeck episode? That feels like cheating.

Seven: Technobabble is stopping us from leaving this area of space, Captain.
Torres: She's right -- I pushed all the buttons in Engineering and we're still stuck.
Janeway: So what's with the glowy things?
Seven: They look pretty. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Janeway: I think we should do nothing because I remember that worked once.

Guard: Halt.
Aliens: Bite me. Er, I mean, we come in peace.
Guards: That's it -- you're going to see Chaotica!
Aliens: Oh, we're quaking in our boots.

Chaotica: Where's PROOOOOTOOOOOON?
Guard: Er....
Chaotica: You're useless. Get him, really scary robot.
Robot: Kindly surrender or I'll have to poke you with my scary poking device.
Guard: But I have prisoners.
Aliens: We are here to contact other photonic lifeforms.
Chaotica: Let's shoot them.
Chaotica: And while you're at it, call Arachnia and see if she's free Friday night for dinner and waging war on the Fifth Dimension.

Captain's Log: We've done nothing. So far, nothing's happened.

Paris: Hmm... my secretary is dead.
Tuvok: Oh well -- at least she's stopped screaming.
Paris: The robot's broken.
Tuvok: You can tell?
Paris: If I twiddle this button he can tell us what happened.
Robot: Invaders from the Fifth Dimension.
Paris: I think we have a problem.

Paris: Hiya. We're real. You're fake.
Alien: You lie!

Janeway: Okay... photonic aliens think the holodeck program is real and are fighting a war with Chaotica's army. I say we send Doc.
Paris: I want to play in the holodeck some more. And I might need some help. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Janeway: No way.
Paris: You get to wear a cool costume.
Janeway: I'm there.

Doc: I get to be President of Earth!
Torres: Yeah, like you needed that ego boost.

Janeway: So... take out the lightning shield. How hard could that be?
Paris: Depends how good you are with grandiose language.
Janeway: Do you listen to my briefings?

Guard: We're loosing.
Guard: Yeah, 'cause that's worked so far. Oh, Arachnia is here.
Chaotica: Ooooo, goodie.

Chaotica: I love you.
Janeway: Worship me... er, I mean, hi.

Janeway: Take down the lightning shield.
Chaotica: I'll take down the shield if you marry me.
Janeway: I'll marry you if you take down the shield.
Chaotica: I'll take down the shield if y--
Janeway: This could take all day. Fine, I'll marry you.

Doc: Greetings, aliens. I am the President of Earth.
Aliens: You're real.
Doc: As real as you. Now, let's beat up Chaotica. Oh, and make friends with Proton.
Aliens: Oh, all right.

Janeway: Lower the shield.
Chaotica: No.
Janeway: Do I have to do everything around here?
Chaotica: Gasp! Arachnia, how could you betray me? We were gonna get married and everything. Guards, confine her!
Janeway: I'm stuck in an invisible box! Oh no -- I'm a mime!

Torres: We're in trouble. The technobabble is getting bigger.
Chakotay: Oh well.

Pheromones: Waft.
Guard: I love you, Arachnia. Take me.
Janeway: Yeah, yeah. Let me go.
Guard: Okay.
Chaotica: Fool -- now look what you've done! Now she's got... a gun... uh oh. Um, I love you?
Janeway: Take down the shield or I'll shoot you.
Chaotica: Okay. Lowering shield.
Janeway: Eh... I'll shoot anyway.
Chaotica: Ow.

Torres: The glowy things are gone.
Chakotay: Woo hoo!

Chaotica: Arachnia, I may be dead, but I'm not dead.
Janeway: That makes no sense, but, okay.
Chaotica: I'll be back. GAK!
Paris: I don't remember including Arnold Schwarzenegger in this program, but we'll go with it.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Alexia is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.