By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:36 PM GMT

See Also: 'Bliss' Episode Guide

Qatai: Ha-ha! Let's you and me lock horns again, tough guy!
Giant Space Monster: Gulp! Munch! Yum!

Janeway: A wormhole?
Chakotay: Yes. It leads straight home and it's perfectly safe.
Janeway: How can you tell?
Tuvok: From those flashing neon signs around the opening.
Janeway: (reading from viewscreen) THIS WAY HOME. SAFE ROUTE GUARANTEED. Gosh, that's convenient.

Naomi: Can I try piloting the Delta Flyer?
Seven: Inadvisable. It would be too dangerous.
Paris: As compared to Chakotay's flying, you mean?
Seven: Set a course for Voyager, Miss Wildman.

Janeway: (grinning) We've found a wormhole.
Chakotay: (grinning) It leads straight home.
Kim: (grinning) All the sensor readings for it are just peachy.
Seven: (frowning) Something's not right here.
Janeway: (grinning) You're spoiling the mood, Seven.

Chakotay: Great news! Here are more letters from home for us!
Janeway: (reads) Wow! Happyhappyhappy!
Chakotay: (reads) Me too! Me too!
Janeway: Mark's new fiancée has taken a hike! I don't need to ogle you anymore!
Chakotay: And I'll be doing less jail time than I expected! Just ten years!

Seven: Computer, play second most recent Captain's Log entry.
Computer: Access denied.
Computer: Access granted.
Janeway: (on screen, frowning) How do I spell "convenient"? B-O-O-B-Y-T-R-A-P.
Seven: Now play most recent entry.
Janeway: (on screen, dancing and singing): ...what a glor-r-r-r-rious feeeeeling, I'm haaaaapy again!

Seven: Have you noticed the crew acting strangely since we returned?
Paris: (grinning) In what way?
Seven: Never mind.

Qatai: (over the Astrometrics viewscreen) Your crew is being brainwashed!
Seven: No kidding. What do you recommend?
Qatai: Stay away or your ship will be devoured by the evil beast!
Seven: Didn't you deliberately allow your own ship to be swallowed?
Qatai: Do as I say, young lady, not as I do!

Seven: I need access to Astrometrics.
Tuvok: We've shut it down.
Seven: Then I must speak to the Doctor.
Paris: We've shut him down too.
Seven: Am I picking up a pattern here?
Chakotay: Yup. Can you guess what comes next?

Chakotay: Captain, Seven's put up a Borg forcefield and is about to beam herself to Engineering with a phaser rifle.
Janeway: (over the comm) I'm sure you can deal with the situation.
Chakotay: Naomi Wildman is helping her.
Janeway: Uh-oh.

Janeway: (grinning) Take us into the wormhole, Tom!
Paris: (grinning) Planet Earth, here we come!
Giant Space Monster: Gulp! Munch! Yum!

Seven: I propose that we cooperate to escape the monster.
Qatai: (over the viewscreen) You're an illusion trying to deceive me! I refuse to listen to you! I'll, um, just look at you, that's all.
Seven: In that case, I am ending this transmission.
Qatai: Er...wait, I've changed my mind.

Doctor: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Seven: The crew is unconscious and a giant mind-controlling space monster is digesting the ship.
Doctor: Am I always the last person to be told anything around here?

Naomi: If we make ourselves taste bad, maybe the monster will spit us out.
Doctor: Agreed -- but how do we do this?
Seven: (working console) I am jettisoning the contents of Cargo Bay One.
Qatai: What's in Cargo Bay One?
Seven: Twelve tons of leola root.
Giant Space Monster: Yuck! Burp! Ptoooie!

Captain's Log: Thanks to Seven, Doc and the kid, we're now safe and sound and all feeling like complete idiots.

Naomi: Think we'll ever reach Earth?
Seven: Unfortunately, yes.
Naomi: That's what I was afraid of.
(Qatai heads back for the monster at Incredulous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.