Author, Author

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:59 PM GMT

See Also: 'Author, Author' Episode Guide

Narrator (Doc): This is the story of a hologram and his ego....

Admiral Paris: At last, real-time Voyager chats! Too bad they'll be so short.
Chakotay: Why not make them longer?
Janeway: You wanna foot the long-distance bill, Tattoo Boy?

Doc: Sweet! I get to make the first call home!
Kim: Oh, for Pete's sake! Some of us want our mommies here....

Publisher: I loved your novel! Captain Calhoun is so cool!
Doc: Um...that's not my novel, it's Peter David's.
Publisher: Oh. Sorry, you bald people all look the same.

Doc: Wanna try my new holonovel, Photons, Be Free?
Paris: Sure. But wouldn't a classier title be Photons, Be Not Proud?
Doc: Oh, please.

Paris: Please state the nature of the -- hey, it's me with a moustache!
Jenkins: Quick, help this man! He has a moustache!
Paris: No.
Jenkins: Will you do it if I kill that other guy?
Paris: No, but I'll be deeply resentful.
Jenkins: That's reason enough for me!

Paris: ....and then Jenkins shot him!
Torres: Sounds like a fun novel. I wanna try!
Ayala: Me too!
Paris: Shut up, minor-character scum.

Tory: You holograms are subhuman mockeries of people.
Torres: You, on the other hand, have truly awful hair.

Torres: Hey! How dare you make out in my sickbay, you adulterous mustachioed sleazebag?
Marseilles: Geez, enough about the moustache already!

Jenkins: You've been a very bad hologram, so I'm punishing you. Guards!
Tulok: Hi. You can tell I'm evil because I have a beard.
Neelix: Wonder if this counts as an Evil Tuvok episode....

3 of 8: Run, Doctor!
Kim: You idiot! You led me straight to these guards!
3 of 8: What did you expect? Three out of eight isn't very much....

Jenkins: And now you shall die, Doctor.
Janeway: Hold it! I want to use one of my lifelines.
Jenkins: This isn't Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
Janeway: Oh. Sorry, Rege.

Doc: For the last time, my novel isn't about you! Janeway doesn't kill people, does she?
Paris: No, but you do. Remember "Latent Image"?
Doc: YEEAAGGH! Programming conflict! Sanity collapsing! NOOOOO....
Paris: I love doing that.

Mrs. Kim: You still haven't been promoted? I'm going to have a word with the writers.
Kim: Don't do it, Mom! They'll kill you off!

Doc: Hey, where's my novel?
Narrator (Paris): Hello, and welcome to the starship Voyeur. Guess what its mission is!

Doc With Hair: You suck! You really, really suck! My God, you suck! Now I'm gonna seduce this patient.
Doc: Wow, what an accurate simulation of me!

Paris: I hope you've learned your lesson.
Doc: If I get some hair, Seven will want me?
Paris: No, the other lesson. You know, "don't parody your crewmates."
Doc: Hmm...should I mention that we're in a parody? No, too self-referential.

Neelix: There's an old Talaxian saying: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Doc: Yogi Berra said that.
Neelix: Come on -- you don't really think that guy's human, do you?

Publisher: Okay, Doc, I'll wait for your revisions and be very careful not to spread your novel all over the quadrant.
Doc: Did you just twirl your moustache?
Publisher: Curses! Foiled again....

John Torres: B'Elanna...I am your father.
Torres: Hiya. Is Mom still alive?
John: Dunno, the dialogue's been ambiguous. Anyway, I'm so sorry for what I did to you....
Torres: Don't worry -- I got back at you by making this guy your son-in-law.

Admiral Paris: I just played a holonovel that made fun of your crew.
Janeway: That does it -- the bashers have finally gone too far!

Doc: Recall my novel!
Publisher: I recall it quite fondly.
Doc: You know what I mean.
Publisher: And I don't care, either.

Doc: We have to do something about this!
Janeway: Don't worry, I've got an idea. Ever watched "The Measure of a Man"?

Tuvok: Your Honour, the Doctor is much smarter than Chakotay, or even a replicator. Therefore the publisher sucks. I rest my case.
Judge: You're quite the lawyer, Tuvok.
Tuvok: Call me "Matvok."

Seven: Doc encouraged me to falsely accuse an alien.
Kim: He sometimes takes command and acts like a pompous jerk.
Barclay: He murdered a holographic fly.
Janeway: He's gone evil four or five times now.
Judge: guys are great character witnesses.

Mrs. Hansen: Annika! My, you've grown....
Seven: Yeah, yeah. Have I had my personal-development quota for this episode yet?

Judge: ....and so, I rule that the Doctor is nifty.
Doc: Yes! In your face, evil publisher guy!
Publisher: It's not easy being blue....

Other Doc #1: Heard about the new holonovel?
Other Doc #2: Shut up and dig! I said dig!
Other Doc #1: You've gotta quit watching "The Cloud Minders."
(The holograms mine dilithium at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.