By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 2:43 PM GMT

See Also: 'Alice' Episode Guide

Paris: Come on, Tuvok, tell us your age!
Tuvok: For the last time, I'm 29.
Paris: You lie.
Tuvok: So? It'll just get contradicted in "Fury."

Abaddon: Greetings. I am Abaddon, the outer space junk dealer.
Neelix: That used to be my job. Now I'm stuck on this cheap ship.
Chakotay: Funny...Janeway told me she paid through the teeth for it.

Paris: WHOA! Get a load of that ship! I love it!
Seven: You love it?
Paris: Yeah! It's like a beautiful girl...except hollow. And made of metal. And a completely different shape. And armed with lasers.
Seven: You are unworthy of assimilation.

Chakotay: Look, I don't see why we need that ship. Don't you already have a girlfriend?
Paris: Well, yeah...but she doesn't have torpedoes, you know?
Chakotay: Point.

Abaddon: ....and make sure to give her chocolates on Valentine's Day, and don't tell her to fetch you beers, and....
Paris: Look, I think I know how to treat a woman. Um, ship.
Neelix: You two disgust me.

Paris: Hey Harry, I've called the ship Alice.
Kim: Awwwww, you didn't take my suggestion!
Paris: Come on, did you honestly expect me to call her the Boiling Hell?
Kim: It would have been funny!

Alice (Ship): Thrum thrum thrum...hey, don't tell anybody, but I'm secretly a vampire ship. Isn't that cool?

Paris: Whoa, it's a beautiful woman! Like Alice, but without all those differences!
Alice (Person): Hi. I suck minds. Aren't I cute?
Paris: You're the cutest personified vampire ship I've ever laid eyes on.
Alice: Thanks.

Seven: Look what we found in the junk Abaddon sold u--
Neelix: Shut up. Go away.
Seven: See, it's valuable and st--
Neelix: Begone. Scram.
Seven: Somebody's cranky.

Paris: Hi Neelix. Let's talk about our ships.
Neelix: I hate you! I hate you all! Leave me alone!
Paris: Why have you been so...evil lately?
Neelix: Have you ever tried providing comic relief for five straight years? No? I didn't think so! Eventually there comes a point when you SNAP LIKE A TWIG!
Paris: Fortunately, this is your last scene for a while.
Neelix: What? NOOOOO! Don't leave me! I get so lonely....

Paris: Hey B'Elanna, this is Alice. She sucks minds.
Torres: Charmed. Okay, now let's drink champagne and say sappy romantic things.
Paris: B'Elanna...your eyes are like the twin moons of Pluto....
Torres: Pluto has only one m--hey, get away from that console!
Paris: But Alice needs me!
Torres: You've obviously got an unhealthy addiction to this ship. I'll react to that by storming off and not getting help.

Chakotay: Are you getting addicted to something?
Paris: Why do you care?
Chakotay: Good question. Never mind, then.

Alice: Steal stuff.
Paris: But...but....
Alice: Steal stuff!
Paris: A spine would come in handy right about now.

Kim: I'm sure Tom will soon cease to be obsessed with Alice. Grumble.
Torres: Why did you grumble?
Kim: That name still irks me. Wouldn't the Boiling Hell have been much better?
Torres: It's been done, Harry.

Torres: That does it. Time to investigate this vampire ship.
Alice: I've got a better idea: asphyxiation.
Torres: That's not a b--ARRRRRGHHHH! Can't...breathe....
Paris: Hey, knock it off, Alice. Sorry, she does that sometimes.

Torres: Tom has been mentally possessed by an effeminate brain-draining ship! Do something!
Janeway: Buh?

Harry: Uh oh, Tom's leaving the shuttlebay! We'd better do something to stop him!
Tuvok: Like what? Security precautions? Force fields? Tractor beams? You make me laugh.

Paris: Where are we going?
Alice: To a particle fountain.
Paris: Boring. Is it at least a particle fountain of youth?
Alice: Yes, if by "youth" you mean "death."
Paris: Oh.

Abaddon: You again? What do you want?
Neelix: Give us some information about Alice and we'll give you this priceless bucket of festering scum. God, I hate you. I hate you all.
Abaddon: Done.

Seven: Tom's headed for that particle fountain.
Janeway: Quick, let's follow him. Never mind that he has a big head start because we've wasted all kinds of time talking to Abaddon.

Alice: Here we are! Say something intelligent, boyfriend!
Paris: I think I should have called you Christine.

Torres: Hi Tom. I've been projected into your mind to de-ensnare you from Alice.
Alice: Don't listen to her! "De-ensnare" isn't even a word!
Paris: Great, now I have to choose between you two. Can't I have a girlfriend and a mind-sucking vampire ship?
Torres: I don't have either one, and I'm not complaining.

Kim: We've somehow beamed Tom back.
Janeway: Excellent. Now let's watch Alice die.
Kim: Shouldn't we take action? I mean, she's bad, but she's obviously also sentient....
Janeway: You seem to be confusing me with one of those bleeding-heart TNG characters.

Paris: I'm sorry I did so very, very many awful things to you. Again.
Torres: S'okay -- after "Barge of the Dead," it was your turn.
Paris: Thanks. Now let's kiss so the P/Ters get their quota for this season.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.