Who Mourns for Adonais?By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:42 PM GMT
Sulu: A big hand just appeared in space!
Spock: I've got to hand it to you, Mr. Sulu. Your observation is correct.
Sulu: It's grabbing the Enterprise!
Spock: Now things are getting out of hand.
Kirk: Spock! Stop with the hand puns!
Spock: Sorry, Captain. I wouldn't want to get ahead of myself.
Kirk: Don't tell me: there's a head on the viewscreen.
Kirk: Just for that, Spock, you're confined to the ship for a week.
Apollo: Hey! Good to see you guys! Why don't you beam down here?
Kirk: Oh, all right.
Apollo: What's that pointy-eared guy?
Kirk: He's Vulcan.
Apollo: Don't you mean Hephaestus?
Palamas: So why am I beaming down?
Kirk and Scotty: Because I need a love interest.
Apollo: Hey! I need a love interest too!
Kirk and Scotty: Crap!
Kirk: So what's the deal?
Apollo: I am Apollo, the Archer-god!
Kirk: I think you have the wrong Enterprise.
Apollo: I want to be worshipped.
Kirk: Ego much?
Apollo: No, I need it to survive.
Kirk: Know what types of beings need something to survive? Not gods.
Apollo: For your insolence, I will now turn into Giant Apollo.
Kirk: How'd you do that?
Apollo: There was a piece of cake here with a note that said "BITE ME."
Kirk: You mean "EAT ME."
Sulu: I don't think I'll ever find the power source on the planet.
Spock: When you begin to doubt the power source, you only give power to the source of your doubts.
Spock: Talk to the hand.
Apollo: Come with me, Carolyn.
Scotty: She'll go with you over my dead body!
Apollo: If you insist. (ZAP!)
Scotty: Gak! Ow! Hey, stop walking on me!
Apollo: I want you.
Palamas: I'm agog!
Apollo: And I'm a god. Works well, doesn't it?
Kirk: Hey, Scotty's alive!
McCoy: Yep. Turns out he was only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. See, mostly dead is....
Kirk: ...slightly alive. We've all seen The Princess Bride, no need to quote the whole thing.
McCoy: As you wish.
Kirk: I've got it! We can make fun of Apollo!
Chekov: That is without a doubt the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
Kirk: Too bad. I'm the captain.
Kirk: Ha ha! You call yourself Apollo? Maybe the Apollo 13!
McCoy: I bet you couldn't even land in the Sea of Tranquility!
Scotty: I bet Cupid could shoot better arrows than you!
Apollo: It's Eros, moron! People who confuse Greek and Roman gods deserve to be zapped! (Z--
Palamas: Will you promise not to hurt him?
Apollo: What was that?
Scotty: What was that?
Palamas: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Apollo: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
Kirk: Hey! No more Princess Bride quotes!
Apollo, Palamas and Scotty: As you wish.
Kirk: STOP THAT!
Spock: Captain, we can fire through the pores in the hand.
Kirk: (over the comm) Thanks, Spock. That will really be a help.
Spock: Glad to lend a hand.
Kirk: We need you to scorn Apollo.
Palamas: But that would be evil and manipulative! Why should I?
Kirk: Well, you know, "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn."
Palamas: It's "woman scorned"! And just because it'd work on Hades doesn't mean it will work on Apollo!
Kirk: Too bad. I'm the captain. Do it anyway.
Palamas: You suck.
Apollo: Wait a minute! I thought you loved me!
Apollo: Then I will summon lightning bolts to throw at you!
Palamas: Wasn't that Zeus?
Apollo: Well, he was my father.
Kirk: All right, Spock. Blow up the building.
Spock: (over the comm) You're too close to it.
Kirk: But I want to try out my really cool diving over the rock move.
Apollo: (sniff) Goodbye, cruel world!
Kirk: Wait! The cakes got destroyed! How did you get to be so big this time?
Apollo: I ate a mushroom.
Kirk: Too bad it wasn't a 1-Up mushroom.
(Apollo disappears at Ludicrous Speed.)
Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.