The Savage CurtainBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 10:03 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Savage Curtain' Episode Guide
Spock: Look, life forms!
Kirk: But the planet is 100% molten lava!
Spock: Yes, and scans show that these life forms are naturally allergic to lava.
Kirk: It would seem we'd need an interesting pseudo-explanation for the teaser.
Abraham Lincoln: (on screen) Does this work?
Spock: That doesn't even come close to explaining anything.
Lincoln: Uh, the planet's atmosphere is 10% Claritin?
Lincoln: You know, it's pretty chilly here in the cold vacuum of space and all.
Kirk: I'd be a little more concerned if you weren't so... dead.
Lincoln: Hey, this isn't Weekend at Bernie's. Just beam me aboard Air Force One.
Spock: There is no ship with said name in the area.
Kirk: No, but there will be once he's aboard! Kirk to Scotty, energize!
Scotty: Dress uniforms? Bleh.
Kirk: Didn't I say "energize" last scene?
Scotty: Oh, right. Beaming aboard one rock. Er, I mean one human.
Kirk: A rock?
Scotty: The reading said he was a rock at first.
Lincoln: I am a human being, and you can trust me because I'm Honest Abe. Honest!
Kirk: Impeccable logic, wouldn't you say so Spock?
Spock: Taking your question literally... yes.
Lincoln: What an amazing vessel. Almost as amazing as Excalbia.
Lincoln: No, no, Excalbia. It's the planet below. There's a Vulcan down there, and a Klingon, and--
Spock: How do you know all that?
Lincoln: I don't know! Honest!
Kirk: Fair enough.
Kirk: This being a briefing, let's keep it brief. Dismissed.
Scotty: But we have to argue about why the hell there's a presidentially delusional alien aboard!
Kirk: Nothing strange enough to warrant us not beaming down.
Spock: But the planet's pure lava! Being Vulcan, I should beam down as well. It's only logical.
Kirk: No, it's only mytho-logical. But we'll let it slide this time.
Spock: See? My Vulcan powers have provided an Earth-like environment.
Kirk: Yes. Now to figure out why our weapons were left behind. Are you a perverted Ferengi transporter chief, Mr. Lincoln?
Lincoln: No, honest!
Surak: Greetings Spock. (ahem) Live long, or at least longer than I will.
Spock: Woo hoo, a celebrity! Er... it is logical to admire your accomplishments.
Yarnek: Behold! Welcome to my Cage of Death!
Kirk: "The Cage"? It's been done.
Yarnek: "Arena of Death"?
Yarnek: "Man Trap of Death"?
Kirk: No dice.
Yarnek: Aw, is everything taken but "Savage Curtain of Death"?
Spock: Looking at the title I'd say that's a safe assumption.
Yarnek: Then let's meet our contestants! Genghis Khan--
Yarnek: --enjoys picnics on the countryside. Colonel Green, a leader of the Eugenics wars--
Yarnek: --is an avid reader of Aldous Huxley. Genocidal alien Zora--
Yarnek: --is a big fan of "Step by Step", and Kahless is just as Klingon as every other one. Any questions?
Kirk: (jumping up and down) Can I be team captain? I choose Kahless.
Yarnek: No! This is good versus evil! Let the wild rumpus begin!
Green: Okay, time for a short scene. Let's join forces. Oops, gullible is written on the ceiling, we're attacking. Oops, there is no ceiling, and we suck. Retreat! Retreat!
Kirk: Spock! Surak! cover your ears, or suffer from illogic-imposed head implosion!
Yarnek: Jeez, that's it? You guys need a cause to fight for.
Kirk and Spock: Ahh!
That Movie Preview Voice: ...Coming soon to a "Savage Curtain" near you.
Kirk and Spock: Uh oh.
Surak: Logic dictates that I go propose peace.
Kirk: How is reducing our number to three people logical?
Surak: Theo-logically, good always wins.
Kirk: Okay, we'll let it slide.
(Five minutes later)
Surak the Unforgettable: Aaaaaagggh! Help me Spock!
Kirk: We've gotta do something!
Spock: It isn't logical, Vulcans don't cry out like that....
Spock: ...nor do they call themselves "the unforgettable."
Kirk: Sounds like a bad Chakotay romance. MUST KILL!
Spock: Jim Kirk, a C/7er? Whoda thunkit?
Lincoln: Surak? Surraaaaaaak? Hey, Pointy! It's me, honest!
Kahless: (talking like Surak) Fooled you! I can't believe you fell for that! What's with you man?
Lincoln: A tasteless death scene?
Green: Right, on to that matter....
Genghis: Punch, pow!
Spock: Kick! (You know your last name would be much more flattering, albeit more confusing.)
Lincoln: Stay-- GAK!
Kirk: Stay back! Stay back!
Zora: What are you standing around for? Don't you know a brawl when you see one?
Zora and Genghis: Run away!
Yarnek: To the surprise of everyone, you won. I don't see how though, you're just as dumb as they are.
Spock: Being a Vulcan, I am a master of this lava-based environment. It is only logical.
Yarnek: Eco-logical. I rest my case.
Kirk: (muttering) I would've let it slide....
Yarnek: Well you don't have molten lava-induced heartburn, I'm grumpy for a reason.
Spock: It appears the creatures of the planet could manipulate matter at will, and built the characters out of our own expectations of them.
Kirk: Interesting... and if I expect to see an Orion slave girl on my lap right now?
Tinky Winky: Gagahehe-zeeday!
Spock: ...then you get smitten by parody.
(The Enterprise slides off at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.