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June 25 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

The Immunity Syndrome

By FatMatDuhRat
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:58 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Immunity Syndrome' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: Y'know what? I'm really getting tired of fighting Klingons and saving the galaxy all the time -- starting today, we're on vacation!

Uhura: Sir! I'm picking up a distress call --
Kirk: And I'm picking up a beach ball and some suntan lotion, so let Spock hear it.
Uhura: But it's coming from --
Spock: ARGH! The Intrepid! (grabs head and spins around)
Uhura: No fair! I'm supposed to tell the Captain that!

Kirk: Spock, go to Sickbay.
Spock: I'm fine, Captain, it's nothing but -- owie, ow-ow! ARGH! The pain!
Kirk: Bones, get up here -- Spock's freaking out again.
McCoy: (over the comm) Awl-right! Just remember, I'm the one who gets to write "LOGIC SUCKS" on his forehead this time.

Kirk: Helm, set a course for the beach.
Uhura: Some orders are coming in from Starfleet --
Kirk: (sticks fingers in ears while loudly whistling)
Uhura: We have to go see why an entire solar system just disappeared.
Kirk: (whining) That does not sound like a good place to go for my vacation.

McCoy: They're dead, Jim!
Kirk: Yes, Bones... I can see that, but thanks for fixing Spock for us.
Spock: Indeed, and due to Doctor McCoy's treatment I no longer feel any pain.
Kirk: Oh really...? (huge grin) Well, just wait a second longer -- trust me!

Scotty: Sir! There be darkness here!
Kirk: Then let's move away from it.
Crew: ARGH! The pain!
McCoy: We're dying, Jim!
Kirk: Yes, Bones -- I can see that!

Kirk: Okay, now let's fly towards it.
Spock: I find that to be highly illogical, Captain.
Kirk: Aha! But you really don't believe that, do you?
Spock: But I --
Kirk: Nope! Not this time, Mister! (points) I can see it written all over your face!

Kirk: How're the shields, Scotty?
Scotty: Eh? What're these things called "shields" that you mention?
Kirk: Look, just find a way to pull a techno-rabbit out of the warp core like you always do.
Scotty: Uh, sure, but... what's a "warp core"?

Crew: ARGH! Not again!

Kirk: Did everyone survive?
Chekov: Aye, sir -- but what's happened to all the stars?
Valen: Welcome to... the Void.
Spock: Scientifically speaking, this isn't truly a void if you're already in it.
Valen: (grumbles) Whatever, big-ears, just as long as you don't have a crazy coffee-drinking redheaded woman on board.

McCoy: We're still dying, Jim!
Kirk: Yeah, Doc, I know!
McCoy: Then get us the heck outta here!
Spock: One of us should investigate the gigantic amoeba first.
Kirk: What gigantic amoeba?
Spock: (points) That gigantic amoeba!

Gigantic Amoeba: (waves) Howdy y'all!

Captain's Log: Now... I wonder if the gigantic amoeba that Spock found is responsible for all of this? I'll try inviting it to our vacation beach-BBQ, that's sure to work!

McCoy: Since it's a big biological space-thing, I'm going to blow it up!
Spock: Doctor, your choice of logic sucks.
McCoy: (convulses from a seizure) Why, you lousy, no-good, green-blooded --
Kirk: Gentlemen! Whomever I send out there may die. (looks at them for a second) Well, g'bye Spock.
Spock: I'll do my best, sir.
Kirk: Yes, that's won-derful! (Shoves him out the door) Don't forget to write!

Spock: (over the comm) I am now approaching the amoeba. (WHAM!)
Kirk: That's nice, steady as she goes.
Spock: I am now approaching the nucleus -- ARGH!
Kirk: Yeah, I know this part -- "Ouch!", "Ow!" and all that.
Scotty: Captain, we've (gasp) lost his signal -- Mr. Spock is dead!
McCoy: Wha--? That's my line! I'll kill you!

Captain's Log: We now have to fly the Enterprise into the amoeba and blow it up ourselves --
McCoy: Hey! Why didn't we just do that in the first place?
Kirk: Because I'm totally incompetent! And we only manage to survive by some miraculous form of dumb luck.
McCoy: Yeah -- I know, it's just that... (sniffle) I really miss Spock!
Kirk: Oh, sure you do.

Chekov: We're approaching the amoeba. (WHAM!)
Kirk: (yawns) Steady as she goes.
Scotty: We're near the nucleus, sir. (WHAM!)
Kirk: Fire the antimatter.
Chekov: Probe's away!
Kirk: (filing his nails) Ho-hum, that's great. Now turn around and --
McCoy: Hey look, it's Spock!
Kirk: Aha! There goes that dumb-luck miracle. Now we can finally go and hit the beach!

Gigantic Amoeba: ARGH! (KA-BOOM!)

Scotty: Sir! We're clear of any dark amoeba energy....
Chekov: ...and that creepy "Void" guy is gone too.
Spock: Also, I was able to do all of my laundry while waiting for you to pick me up.
Kirk: Pick you up? (looks around) Who let this guy back on board?
McCoy: I did, Jim, I just -- (crying buckets) couldn't live without him!

Spock: I need to finish ironing my socks.
Kirk: Just bring them to the beach, we'll all be surfing into the sunset real soon.
Uhura: Not yet, there's another message from Starfleet coming through --
Kirk: Huh--? What do they want now?
Uhura: They've just found a crazy woman with red hair who keeps on asking for a cup of coffee.
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy: (stick fingers in ears while loudly whistling)
(The Enterprise blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

FatMatDuhRat is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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