The Enemy WithinBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:31 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Enemy Within' Episode Guide
Captain's Log: Spock forgot to check the weather channel before our away mission, but I'm sure nothing will happen to strand any of us on this frozen wasteland.
Fisher: Ow! My hand! And I'm covered in this weird dust!
Apparently I have a poor sense of pattern recognition.
Fisher: (over the comm) Beam me up, Scotty!
Scotty: Sure thing.
Scotty: Uh oh.
Fisher: "Uh oh"? Have I been merged with someone else? Turned into a child? Made invisible?
Scotty: Oh, as if any of that could ever happen.
Kirk: Whoa, this looks like a plot complication in progress. I had better get out of here while the getting's good.
Sulu: What about the rest of us, Captain?
Kirk: Uh...I'll go first to make sure the transporter works. Yeah. Beam me up, Scotty. On the double!
Scotty: (over the comm) It will actually be more like before the double....
(Kirk stumbles off the transporter pad)
Scotty: Have you been into Dr. McCoy's Saurian Brandy again, Captain?
Good Kirk: Who, me? Of course not.
Evil Kirk: Saurian Brandy, eh? That would hit the spot....
Evil Kirk: Say Bones, have anything to drink around here? Some Saurian Brandy, perhaps?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a bartender.
Evil Kirk: Does that mean you don't have any?
McCoy: Of course not. I keep a bottle handy for whenever I have to listen to Spock on one of his logic kicks.
Spock: Captain, Doctor McCoy claims you took his bottle of Saurian Brandy.
Good Kirk: And you believed his drunken lies?
Spock: He could not be drunk; you took his brandy.
Good Kirk: Blast, foiled again by your logic. I need a drink....
Scotty: Captain, we have a problem. The transporter is malfunctioning.
Good Kirk: What? Impossible!
Scotty: That's what I said, but look -- this dog-like creature is friendly. The transporter created a double who's vicious.
Good Kirk: Are you sure it was the transporter? Maybe somebody fed him cheese.
Good Kirk: Something I saw on TV once.
Rand: You don't seem yourself, Captain.
Evil Kirk: Call me Jim.
Rand: Whatever you say, Jim.
Evil Kirk: You bend easily to my will. I think I'll take advantage of you.
Rand: Hm, now I'd rather call you "Eeeeek!"
Evil Kirk: You're no fun. Look -- now I have to hurt poor Fisher here.
Fisher: Hey! I was already injured once this episode! Don't you have some "one use only" rule for redshirts?
(WHACK! THUMP! THWACK!)
Evil Kirk: I'll have to get rid of that rule before Chekov comes aboard....
Spock: Yeoman Rand claims you attacked her in her quarters.
Good Kirk: Pfft. Why should I believe anyone with a title as stupid as "Yeoman"?
Rand: It was you, Captain. I know it was!
Good Kirk: Was not! It was my evil twin!
Spock: Your explanation is plausible.
Good Kirk: It is? I mean, of course it is.
Scotty: It appears the transporter has created an opposite of you, Captain.
Good Kirk: So he's stupid, a coward and...gay?
Spock: Actually, he's intelligent, devious, and probably in one of the female officers' quarters right now.
Scotty: All right, all right. You've caught me. He's not your opposite, he's just conveniently evil.
Spock: Fortunately the Captain seems unaffected.
Good Kirk: Yes. Er, no. Er...I can't decide.
Spock: Or not.
Captain's Log: It seems that my transporter accident has made me indecisive. Hm, I wonder if I should say"unsure"...or maybe "uncertain"....
Good Kirk: (over the comm) Captain Kirk to all hands: apprehend my evil twin, who can be distinguished from me by some scratches on his face. Hopefully he won't hear me and manage to conceal them.
Evil Kirk: Good thing I keep makeup in my quarters for just such an occasion.
Evil Kirk: Say, crewman, do I have scratches on my face?
Crewman Wilson: No.
Evil Kirk: Then I must be Good Kirk, right?
Wilson: Hm, there is that evil music playing in the background. And the fact that your speaker credit is "Evil Kirk."
Evil Kirk: Good reasoning. Can I have your phaser?
(WHACK! THUMP! THWACK!)
Sulu: (over the comm) Captain, can we come back to the ship now?
Good Kirk: Sorry, the transporter is broken. We'll let you know when it's fixed.
Sulu: But why can't you just send us a shuttlecr--
Good Kirk: Ixnay on the uttlecraftshay!
Spock: Spock to McCoy. The captain's condition is worsening -- he is now speaking in gibberish.
Spock: It appears that your evil twin has the same knowledge you do. If you were hiding, Captain, where would you go?
Kirk: The lower decks. No, wait, my quarters. No, wait, Yeoman Rand's quarters. No, wait, Nurse Chapel's quarters....
Spock: This is going to be more difficult than I anticipated. Spock to all search parties: begin searching all female officers' quarters for the impostor.
Good Kirk: You won't kill me.
Evil Kirk: Oh yeah? Why not?
Good Kirk: For one, Spock is sneaking up behind you.
Evil Kirk: Oh, as if I'm going to fall for thazzzzzzzzzz....
Good Kirk: Thanks, Spock. What did you do to him?
Spock: It's called "that cool Vulcan thing that knocks people out."
Scotty: (over the comm) Sir, the imposter conveniently damaged a key part of the transporter.
Sulu: (over the comm) Sir, we're all going to freeze to death!
Spock: Could there be any more plot complications?
McCoy: Evil Kirk is dying.
Spock: Remind me to explain the concept of a rhetorical question.
Scotty: We think we've found a way to put Good Kirk and Evil Kirk back together. We're going to try it on this creature.
Scotty: It worked! They got put back together!
Spock: The creature is dead.
Scotty: The glass is always half empty with you, isn't it?
Spock: I believe we should attempt to merge the Captain with his double.
McCoy: I think we should wait until I do this autopsy.
Good Kirk: You both make good points. I can't decide....
Spock: If we do nothing, the away team will freeze to death.
Good Kirk: Well, if it comes down to them or me, I think we all know who would win out.
Spock: Uh, Jim? You're supposed to be Good Kirk, not Selfish Kirk.
Good Kirk: Fine, fine. We'll do the transporter thing.
Good Kirk: Scotty's going to put us back together.
Evil Kirk: Oh, that's great. Hey, look! A distraction!
Good Kirk: What? Where?
(WHACK! THUMP! THWACK!)
Evil Kirk: I guess we know who got the brains in the family.
Evil Kirk: I say we leave the away team behind.
Spock: There's something different about you, Captain....
Good Kirk: Could it be the fact that his name is EVIL KIRK?
Spock: Using the textual medium is cheating, Captain. Besides, we already did that joke.
Good Kirk: Okay, you. Time for a showdown.
Evil Kirk: Oo, can I win?
Good Kirk: No, moron.
Evil Kirk: Can I cry like a baby?
Good Kirk: Uh...sure.
Evil Kirk: Waaaaaaaa! You win.
Good Kirk: Well that was anti-climactic.
Kirk: All's well that ends well.
Sulu: (over the comm) Uh, sir? Aren't you forgetting something?
Kirk: Oh, of course. So, Yeoman....
Rand: Sir, I think he meant that you forgot to beam up the away team.
Kirk: You know the rules -- nobody can be rescued until I've scored at least once.
Rand: Evil Kirk was hitting on me. That counts.
Kirk: Curses! Foiled again!
(Kirk rescues the away team at Ludicrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.