The Doomsday MachineBy IJD GAF
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 9:54 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Doomsday Machine' Episode Guide
Lieutenant: We're receiving a distress call -- I can only make out the word "constellation."
Spock: It appears that all the planets in this system were destroyed.
Kirk: Interesting...shall we list the cause of death as "death by constellation"?
Spock: No, sir -- if I were you, I wouldn't jeopardize my career like that.
Sulu: Woah, constellations got this system too.
Spock: Sir, picking up a starship on sensors -- the U.S.S. Constellation.
Kirk: (gasp) I know the guy in command, Matt Decker. He'd never do such a thing as destroying star systems!
Spock: Well for starters, he couldn't do such a thing, so I suggest we check it out.
Kirk: Wow, glad I wasn't on that when it was attacked.
Spock: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that whatever got the planets got that ship too.
Kirk: What are you saying?
Spock: We're screwed.
Kirk: You heard it folks, battle stations!
Kirk: Matt Decker? Fancy seeing you on your ship as the only survivor.
Decker: It came! It got my whole crew!
Kirk: That's too bad. What about the ship, how bad is it?
Decker: There was nothing I could do!
Scotty: Warp drive's out, but impulse is okay....
Decker: All 400 of them -- DEAD!
Scotty: ...the phasers are drained, but we could recharge them....
Decker: It was the devil himself!
Kirk: See to it, Scotty.
Kirk: Spock, what do the Constellation's record tapes say?
Spock: (over comm) they indicate that they were attacked by a giant robotic planet eater. In parentheses after the description it says "the devil himself."
Decker: See? SEE?
Kirk: Oh, get to our Sickbay already. McCoy?
McCoy: I'm on it Jim.
McCoy: Uh oh, red alert! Let's get to the bridge!
Decker: Hehehe. Excelle--er--ookay.
Decker: Yes, it's...er...a former viola-shaped island.
McCoy: Fair enough.
Doomsday Machine: Kerplowie!
Spock: Lay in a course for the Constellation, we can't take too much more of that.
Decker: Belay that order, I'm taking command.
Decker: So I can shoot it with phasers! Hehehe, PHASERS!
Spock: I smell a "psychologically unfit for command" declaration in the near future.
McCoy: Wait, wait. Weren't we ignoring this guy before? What's stopping us from doing so now?
McCoy: Besides that.
Spock: Plot necessity.
McCoy: To hell with the plot!
Spock: (singing) From far beyond the galaxies I've journeyed to this place, to study the behavior patterns of the human race. And I find them highly--
McCoy: Okay, okay! (grumble) Stupid plot....
Kirk: So, here we are. Trapped on a derelict vessel. No impulse, no warp, just enough life support for two people....
Crewman Washburn: GAK!
Scotty: (over the comm) Well we can get warp, sir.
Kirk: What? Aw, now it feels like we're cheating....
Scotty: Hey, that's never stopped you with women.
Kirk: Point. Let's get to work.
Decker: Sulu, maintain course!
Sulu: I wouldn't be surprised if history remembers this as the "Decker Maneuver."
Doomsday Machine: Kerplowie!
Spock: ...I think "maneuver" is too strong a word.
Kirk: Viewscreen coming up....
Enterprise: (on screen) Bzzzzzzzzz....
Doomsday Machine: (on screen) Swat!
Kirk: Holy expletiving expletive.
Doomsday Machine: Kerplowie!
Spock: ....And with that, we're officially one million percent screwed.
Decker: Not if I can help it! Sulu, fire phasers!
McCoy: (over the comm) Sigh... can we declare him insane now?
Spock: Oh, all right. Mr. Sulu, break free.
Decker: What? You can't do that!
Sulu: We can't sir, we're too screwed.
Decker: It serves you right! It's God's way of telling you to give me back command!
Spock: Very well Mr. Sulu. Anybody up for a game of Blackjack?
Spock: Dr. McCoy?....
Kirk: Scotty, I need phasers now!
Kirk: What? No "I need more power!"?
Kirk: No "I cannot break the laws of physics!"?
Scotty: Nope. Hey, I said we had phasers and we do. So use 'em already.
Kirk: (sigh) No respect for drama....
Sulu: We're magically free. What should I do?
Decker: FIRE! F-I-R-E!
Uhura: Ship-to-ship communications are back up
Kirk: (over the comm) Get my ship outta there!
Decker: Nope. It's my ship.
Kirk: Spock? Are you there?
Decker: Talk to me! ME!
Spock: Yeah, I'm here. Getting your ship outta here as we speak.
Kirk: Great. And get Narcisco off of the bridge while you're at it.
Spock: Off the bridge and onto heavy medication. Got it.
Redshirt: So here we are at the -- GAK!
Decker: These guys sure make things easy.
Sulu: Shuttlebay doors opening.
Spock: Hail them.
Uhura: The Doors?
Spock: The shuttle.
Uhura: The Who?.
Spock: I dunno, probably Decker.
Uhura: The Rolling Stones?
Spock: You just lost coherency and subtlety at the same time -- just hail him.
Decker: (over the comm) "And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the sum of all the rage and hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it."
Kirk: Herman Melville....
Decker: No, Patrick Stewart. Anyway, goodbye cruel world....
Kirk: Spock, did that blast have any effect?
Spock: (over the comm) A little, but I imagine it would have been more powerful if the machine had actually been paying attention to him.
Kirk: Hmm.... Well I've never had a problem with attention, so just leave Scotty and me over here; I've got a plan.
Scotty: Boy, these engines sure could explode at any moment....
Kirk: Can you make them explode in thirty seconds, giving me time to beam over to the Enterprise?
Scotty: I could make them explode right now, watch--
Kirk: That won't be necessary.... just rig a time bomb. Spock, could an exploding starship destroy the planet killer from inside?
Spock: (over the comm) I don't know.
Kirk: You don't know?
Spock: Hey, don't rub it in.
Scotty: All ready Captain -- push this button. Now, if you'll excuse me....
Transporter: Cough, cough
(Scotty materializes on Enterprise transporter pad)
Kirk: Pushing button....
Spock: (over the comm) Wait Captain, the transporter's --
Spock: -- out.
Scotty: (tinker tinker fix)
Scotty: (fix tinker fix)
Kirk: Did it work?
Doomsday Machine: CRACK!
Kirk: I noticed, Spock. The first doomsday machine was the H-bomb; ironic that we used a similar device for constructive purposes for the first time, no?
Spock: What about Cochrane?
Spock: Er.... you'll find out three episodes from now. So what will you say in your log about Commodore Decker?
Spock: I forget.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)
IJD GAF is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.