By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:38 PM GMT

See Also: 'Violations' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We are transporting a group of Ullians, a race of psychos.
Data: That's psychics, sir.
Picard: Don't interrupt.

Data: I don't get memory. The only way I'd forget anything at all would be if someone removed my memory engrams.
Geordi: Unfortunately, human memory doesn't work like that. Commander Riker, for example, can still remember things even with no brain at all.

Inad: We are compiling a list of races' memories to put in our Great Library in Ullandria.
Picard: How very interesting! What a noble and laudable goal you have established.
Tarmin: Would you like your sociological and anthropological distinctiveness added to our own?
Picard: Get off my ship.

Tarmin: Mr. Worf, would you like Jev to probe your mind?
Worf: Klingons do not have their minds probed.
Tarmin: Hm, Jev can't get to the core of a resistant person's memories. I'd better do it myself as an errand of mercy.
Jev: Grrr.

Riker: Would you like to play poker? And of course by "play poker" I mean "have sex".
Troi: No.
Jev: Aw, come on.

Crusher: Deanna's unconscious.
Picard: Oh, is that why she's lying there unmoving?
Crusher: Shuddup.

Riker: Jev, can I talk to you for a moment?
Jev: What? It's not like I mind-raped Deanna and left her in a coma.
Riker: I wasn't suggesting --
Jev: Besides, she had it coming.

Riker: Close the blast doors!
Nameless Ensign 1: But Nameless Ensign 2 is trapped back there!
Riker: Of all the necks on this ship, Ensign, the one you should be worried about is your own.
Jev: Have I mentioned how much I dislike you?

Picard: (over the comm) Riker, this is the Voice of God. Thou shalt shave thy head, so thou wilt be as bald as thy captain. Do you understand?
Picard: Riker! Do you understand?
Picard: Drat. He's already asleep. Worf, go wake him up so we can do it right.

Doctor's Log: Turns out Riker was actually in a coma, which, granted, isn't that much of a change.

Picard: We think you may be responsible for the unexplained comas.
Tarmin: Oh I see, blame the strange new aliens you have on board this week. How original.
Picard: Hey, we don't always do that. Sometimes we blame things on random pseudo-scientific phemonena.

Computer: What are you doing, Geordi?
Geordi: I'm trying to find any pseudo-scientific causes for the comas.
Computer: Geez, where have you been? It's obviously the Ullians.
Geordi: Come on. You don't know that.
Computer: What do you mean? I'm the computer! I know everything!

Crusher: Thanks for coming with me to see Jack's body. How exactly did he die?
Picard: Er, it's probably best not to dwell on that.
Crusher: Oh. Okay. Hey, since when did you have hair?
Jev: I've always had hair.

Geordi: So I just had a long chat with the computer about what could be causing the comas.
Data: Did the computer tell you my idea about it being the Ullians?

Picard: So since we can't find out why people are going into comas, we've decided to execute all of you.
Jev: Woah, wait, can't we prove our innocence?
Picard: Well, I don't know. Worf's been sharpening his knives all morning.
Jev: Please? Can't I probe Counselor Troi first?
Picard: Er, what do you mean by probe?
Jev: The normal meaning.

Riker: Would you like to play poker? And of course by "play poker" --
Troi: Answer's still no.
Shinzon: Aw, come -- Wait...
Reman Viceroy: No...
Tarmin: There we go. Now -- Aw, come on.

Jev: I want you to know how sorry I am for everything my father did and throw myself at your mercy.
Picard: Don't worry, we don't visit the sins of the father on the son in the Federation.
Jev: In my culture, I visit the sins of the son on the father.

Jev: Would you like to play poker? And by --
Troi: For the last time, no! Wait a minute, you're Jev!
Jev: So is that still a no?

Jev: I guess so.

Tarmin: Sorry about Jev. I thought he was just addicted to porn.
Picard: It's okay. No harm done.
Riker: TWITCH.
Crusher: TWITCH.
Picard: And now a speech. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands, but we can stop it. We can....
(Picard goes on speechifying at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.