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The Royale

By Andy Taylor
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:15 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Royale' Episode Guide

Riker: Even though proof was found for it in 1993?
Picard: But... I mean... So... WAH!

Picard: Have you identified the source of the NASA shuttle debris we found?
Wesley: Well, there's this structure in the middle of nowhere on this inhospitable planet --
Riker: Ooh, ooh, can I go down?
Picard: Well it's not like I'm going to, I can't even solve a solved problem. WAH!

Data: So, we've beamed to the middle of nowhere, which happens to have a door right in the middle of it that seems to lead to nowhere?
Riker: Yep.
Data: And we're going to go through and get even more lost?
Riker: Hey! No complaining until we lose communi--
Data: We've lost communications. Should we beam up?
Riker: And ignore this lovely, if suspicious, casino? Get me some chips!

Data: Interesting -- I'm detecting no presence here.
Worf: Wow, cool Troi impression.
Data: Sadly, I'm just reading the tricorder.
Worf: Hahaha! Stop it!

Picard: Gee, I hope they're all right.
Troi: I think they can see through the sarcasm -- besides, I can sense that they're fine.
Picard: Why didn't you tell me that before I panicked and sent out a three hundred man search squad?
Troi: Erm, would you believe "dramatic pause"?

Data: Ooh, cards! Is this poker?
Texas: Nah, we're playing blackjack.
Vanessa: Gin!
Texas: Well, I'm playing blackjack. She's playing dumb.

Riker: I'm bored; let's go now.
(The three go through the revolving door but return.)
Worf: Hmm. This time perhaps we should get off.
(The three go through the revolving door but return.)
Data: Right, this time we should get off earlier.

Data: Okay, I'm detecting human DNA.
Worf: But you didn't detect anything earlier!
Data: Yeah, but it finally stopped flashing 12:00am.

Riker: Oh great, the last person who was here died.
Data: Somehow I don't think this bodes well for us.
Worf: Ooh, there's a NASA spacesuit in this closet!
Riker: An important clue I'm sure, but I'm more intrigued with that little blue number next to it.
Worf: Sir?
Riker: It brings out my eyes.

Picard: Picard to Riker.
Computer: The number you have dialed has not been recognized.
Picard: Oh fudge. (ahem) Picard to Riker.
Computer: A dial-up connection could not be established at this time.
Picard: Oh for the love of... (ahem) Picard to Riker!
Riker: Hey up, chuck!
Picard: Shove the technical manual. Clicking "OK" hundreds of times really does work.

Riker: Ooh, dead man's journal. Why couldn't we have found this earlier?
Journal: Geesh! Not only does a weird alien kill all your friends, but it also sticks you in an environment made out of a crummy book I used in a high school assignment. Wish I'd brought 'Chocolat' or something.
Riker: Interesting. Data summarize this trashy novel.
Data: Well, set in the 1950s, a single mother and her young daughter move to a small French town --
Riker: No! "The Royale," you idiot!

Bellboy: Hell, I could take Mickey D. If he was here --
Mickey: Hi everybody! And for my first trick....
Bellboy: GAK!

Data: Seems that the novel's playing out in reality.
Riker: How does it end?
Picard: (over the comm) Well, apart from the mass cull involving the deaths of everyone and the destruction of the hotel, three foreign investors buy the hotel and leave the quasi-dimensional hellhole.
Riker: Interesting. Does it really say that?

Riker: Right, let's win some money so we can buy this place.
Data: Yay! A craps table! Let's play Snakes and Ladders!
Riker: Erm.
Data: No? How about Ludo? Monopoly?
Riker: Well I can see this taking a while....

Riker: ....though we did obtain millions in a matter of minutes. Oh well. Let's go, boys.
Worf: Sir? You're being a little feminine today --
Riker: Deanna and me fancied swapping underwear.
Worf: Okay, let's not go there.

Picard: Well, thank God that's over.
Riker: I know, I always hated reading.
Picard: If you hate reading so much, how did you know that someone had already solved Fermat's Last Theorem?
Riker: That's another mystery that may never be answered, sir.
Picard: WAH!
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Andy Taylor is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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