The PriceBy Kira
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:20 PM GMT
See Also: 'The Price' Episode Guide
Troi: Computer, check my answering machine.
Computer: You have forty-seven new messages. Message one, received from Lwaxana Troi at eleven forty hours --
Troi: Computer, delete message.
Computer: Message two, received from Lwaxana Troi at eleven forty three hours --
Troi: Sigh. Erase all messages and get me a real chocolate sundae.
Computer: Aren't you supposed to be watching your waistline?
Troi: Just give me the damn sundae. Honestly, you sound just like my mother.
Picard: Ah, Counsellor. So glad you could join us.
Troi: That makes one of us.
Picard: I'd like you to meet our guests for the episode. This is our token diplomat, this is our token victim of a nefarious plot, this is our token weird alien --
Leyor: We have names, you know.
Picard: Sure you do. And this is our token love interest.
Devinoni Ral: Hello.
Troi: I'm feeling more upbeat already.
Captain's Log: We are in orbit of Barzan II to oversee negotiations for a wormhole that leads to the Delta Qua--
Riker: The Gamma Quadrant, sir.
Picard: But Voyager --
Riker: Gamma Quadrant.
Damon Goss: How dare you not invite us to your party! I am insulted!
Picard: It's not a party. It's a bargaining session.
Goss: What's the difference?
Picard: You're welcome to stay, but I'm afraid your cronies will have to leave.
Goss: Done. Get lost, you two.
Kol: I hope you don't mean that literally.
Computer: Devinoni Ral. Species: Human, as far as you know. Occupation: Acts as freelance negotiator for a variety of clients. Current assignment: representing the Chrysalians in Barzan wormhole negitiations. Current location: outside your door.
Troi: What the--?
Ral: Hello, beautiful. May I play with your mind?
Ral: Great. (ahem) Who are you, Deanna Troi?
Computer: Deanna Troi. Species: Half betazoid, half human. Rank: lieutenant. Current assignment: counsellor and stater of the obvious, U.S.S. Enterprise. Current love interest: Devinoni Ral.
Troi: I hate it when that thing does my job for me.
Riker: That Devinoni guy is bad news.
Mendoza: You're very perceptive, Commander. I too believe him to be our most significant competitor in the wormhole negotiations.
Riker: Negotiations? I was talking about him making moves on Deanna.
Picard: Data, are you sure that wormhole doesn't go to the Delta Quadrant?
Data: Positive, sir.
Picard: But in theory, couldn't one end of the wormhole be fixed while the other end moves around the galaxy? Maybe --
Data: Captain, we've talked about this.
Picard: I can be scientific!
Riker: Sure you can. And I'm a master negotiator.
Arridor: There you are, Damon -- as soon as you shake hands with the Federation negotiator he'll be incapacitated by these toxins from your own blood.
Goss: Ingenious! How did you come up with such a plan?
Arridor: Your bad breath was insufficient to induce illness.
Crusher: Can I help you, Mr. Mendoza?
Crusher: Great, he collapsed. Now how am I supposed to figure out what he wanted?
Picard: Will, you can take over for Mr. Mendoza.
Riker: Are you sure I'm qualified?
Picard: Of course. You're a master negotiator.
Riker: Sir, I was being sarcastic.
Picard: Oh. Well, negotiating is very similar to poker. You're good at that.
Riker: Maybe you're right, sir. (ahem) "I'll see your offer, Ral, and raise you the Enterprise."
Picard: We're doomed.
La Forge: I sure hope this works. What if we get stranded on the other side of the wormhole and we're stuck in this shuttle?
Data: Then we will become intoxicated and debate the finer points of Counsellor Troi's figure.
La Forge: Well, that doesn't sound too bad. But what are the odds we'd ever be rescued way out in the Delta Quadrant?
Data: Surprisingly high.
Riker: ...and that's the Federation bid on the wormhole.
Premier Bhavani: That's your bid? All you did was empty your pocket lint onto the conference table.
Ral: And fine pocket lint it is. But the Chrysalians have something better to offer.
Riker: And that is...?
Ral: More pocket lint. But this is the peaceful, non-aggressive kind.
Troi: Don't you find it odd that I can't sense anything from you?
Ral: No, but I sense that you find it odd.
Troi: Yes, I do... HEY! How did you know that?
Ral: I, er, I was just stating the obvious.
Troi: Oh, okay... HEY! Stating the obvious? You're part Betazoid!
Data: Remind me, Geordi -- why did we agree to take a shuttle through this unexplored wormhole?
La Forge: To prove once and for all that Captain Picard has no scientific knowledge.
La Forge: As long as we don't get stranded, what's the worst that could happen? Some kind of attack by wormhole aliens?
Data: "Wormhole aliens." Very amusing, Geordi.
La Forge: Yeah. I kill me.
Troi: So, how about some female bonding? I've got a new boyfriend.
Crusher: Why is it you only feel the urge to bond with me when you've got something to brag about?
Troi: Hey, it's not my fault you never get any action.
Leyor: Caldonia has decided to chicken out of the wormhole bidding, Premier, and we have come to an agreement with the Chrysalians to help them in their bid.
Bhavani: This is most unexpected. What made you withdraw?
Leyor: My conversation with Mr. Ral. It was almost as if he read my mind.
Riker: Hm... something is suspicious here, but what?
La Forge: Look, for the last time, this wormhole is unstable! We've got to head back now!
Arridor: (over the comm) I'm not going anywhere until I've conducted a thorough scan of all gullible planets in this region. Standard Ferengi procedure.
La Forge: Fine, just don't expect the Federation to come to your rescue if you get stuck out here.
Arridor: Stupid hew-mans. There's the wormhole, just as I predicted.
Kol: Oh no! We're stranded in the Delta Quadrant!
Arridor: Relax, Kol, I know what to do in this situation. (ahem) We're alone. In an uncharted part of the galaxy....
Troi: I can't believe you use your empathic abilities as a negotiating tactic!
Ral: Don't you use it to save your crew's lives?
Troi: Well, yes, but --
Ral: Then I hardly think you're in a position to lecture me about ethics.
Ral: Mind if I sit, Commander?
Riker: Why no, you filthy, cheating, underhanded son of a --
Ral: Look, I know what I'm doing may seem wrong to you, but--
Riker: She's mine, you understand me?
Ral: Wait... what are you talking about?
Riker: You putting the moves on my woman. Why, what are you talking about?
Ral: Um... the same thing, obviously.
Goss: (on viewscreen) I demand that, um... line?
Ral: Your offer be taken seriously.
Goss: Yes, that you take our offer seriously! If you refuse, I will, um... line?
Ral: Fire at the wormhole.
Goss: I will fire at the wormhole!
Picard: Hm... something is suspicious here, but what?
Troi: Goss is bluffing -- this is nothing but a staged scenario so that Premier Bhavani would give the Chrysalians control of the wormhole.
Ral: Yes, it was quite a devious plan, wasn't it?
Riker: Oh, I wasn't reacting to the revelation. I'm just shocked that Deanna pointed something out that wasn't obvious.
La Forge: The wormhole led to the... Delta Quadrant. Sigh.
Picard: Yes! In your face! And what about the Ferengi?
La Forge: They got stranded on the other side of the wormhole.
Picard: Then I guess we've heard the last of them.
Ral: Well, I guess this is goodbye then. Are you sure things couldn't work out between us?
Troi: Will seems quite jealous. He'll kill you if you try anything.
Ral: What if we run away together?
Troi: Say, have you ever met my mother?
(Ral runs away at Ludricrous Speed)
Kira is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.