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The Perfect Mate

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:41 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Perfect Mate' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We are carrying a mysterious, highly valuable gift that Ambassador Briam of Krios will present as a peace offering to Chancellor Alrik of Valt Minor. Our guest says that he would have preferred us to use an armoured delivery ship, so I have dealt with his complaint by ordering the Enterprise's outer hull to be painted in suitable shades of gray.

Picard: Ambassador, I assure you that your precious cargo is secure.
Briam: All the same, I request that you declare your cargo bay to be strictly off limits to everyone.
Picard: Before I do that, I'll need proof that this gift of yours is truly as priceless as you claim.
Riker: (over the comm) Captain, two Ferengi in a damaged shuttlecraft are requesting that we rescue them.
Picard: All right, I'm convinced.

La Forge: I've programmed the Holodeck to look like the ancient Temple of Akadar. It's ready to host the Ceremony of Reconciliation.
Briam: Quite fitting. From here the brothers Krios and Valt once ruled a vast empire until one of them triggered centuries of war by kidnapping the other's beautiful fiancée.
Picard: Was this the place that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
Briam: I'm going to assume that's some kind of human rhetorical question.

Worf: One of the Ferengi tampered with the Ambassador's gift pod! Its stasis field is collapsing!
Briam: Oh no! It's too soon!
Picard: Too soon for what?
Kamala: Hello, handsome. Rrrowr.
Picard: Please give the Ambassador a chance to answer, madam. And kindly remove your hand from my chest.

Briam: Kamala is a rare empathic metamorph -- the first one born on our world in over a century.
Kamala: I can sense what any man wants in a mate, and my personality immediately changes to reflect his desires.
Briam: She also produces elevated levels of sexual
pheromones. She should be kept away from your crew to avoid distracting them.
Picard: Perhaps that would be best. Commander Riker, please escort this lady to some guest quarters.
Riker: Hmm? I'm sorry -- did you say something, Captain uh...er....
Picard: The name's Picard.
Riker: Right. I knew that.

Kamala: This is a nice room. I especially like the romantically low level of the lights.
Riker: I, uh, should be leaving. If you need anything, just ask the comput....
Kamala: (smooch!)
Computer: Warning -- ambient temperature levels approaching the combustion point of Starfleet uniform material.
Riker: Computer, disengage internal sensors in this room, authorization Riker Theta Omicron Sigmmm...mmmmh...uhmmm....

Crusher: Jean-Luc, Kamala's being married off to some grumpy old Chancellor she's never met just to secure a peace treaty between two planets! That's nothing more than prostitution!
Picard: Beverly, even Earth once had its share of passionless arranged marriages, especially back in the days of dynastic rulers.
Crusher: Well I believe that people should marry for love, whether they're royalty or not.
Picard: You mean like King Charles the Third and Queen Camilla?
Crusher: Exactly.

Picard: Are you quarters comfortable?
Kamala: Yes, but I yearn for refined companionship. May I invite you in to discuss letters and philosophy over a cup of tea?
Picard: You shouldn't adapt yourself to me this way. Besides, I'm already married to a special lady -- she's called the Enterprise.
Kamala: What a lovely name. I think I'll drop "Kamala" and start calling myself that.

Data: The Captain has asked me to escort you around the ship.
Kamala: I can see why he chose an emotionless, sexless android to be my chaperone.
Data: Actually, I am capable both of having sex and of simulating a variety of emotional responses.
Kamala: Perhaps you're not that different from other men after all.

Data: The Ten-Forward bar looks rather crowded this evening.
Kamala: I like it that way. Hey, boys! Wanna work up some sweat in the gym with me? Dr. Crusher told me there's a great ThighMaster machine in there I should try.
Rowdy Aliens: Woo-hoo!
Data: On second thought, perhaps a visit to the Arboretum would be better.
Kamala: Whatever you say, Goldeneyes.

Kamala: Maybe I should stay in my quarters after all.
Picard: I'd be grateful if you did. Security informs me that they're running low on riot-control gear.
Kamala: Will you visit me from time to time? We could listen to Mozart, make love, talk about archaeology....
Picard: Kamala, please stop doing this. There's only so much temptation a man can take.

Picard: Are the Ambassador's injuries serious?
Crusher: No, but he'll be in Sickbay for a couple of days.
Picard: Damn. That means I'll have to fill in for him at the ceremony. I'd better start studying the required rituals.
Crusher: I'm sure Kamala will be glad to teach you everything she knows. I just hope the learning curve won't be too steep.
Picard: Not if I can help it.

Picard: Welcome aboard, Chancellor. All is ready for your wedding tomorrow.
Alrik: Never mind that. Where are the Ferengi who injured Ambassador Briam?
Picard: They were arrested and sent to Starbase 117.
Alrik: That's too bad. I was hoping to discuss trade tariffs and currency exchange rate deregulation with them.
Picard: To each his own.

Beverly: Why so gloomy, Jean-Luc? Are you growing attached to Kamala?
Picard: Yes, and I'm having trouble picturing what she'll transform into once she finally meets the Chancellor.
Beverly: From what I've seen of Alrik, my guess would be a cross between a stockbroker and a bureaucrat.
Picard: Oh, thanks a million for that particular image.

Picard: On behalf of the planet Krios, I present you with your bride.
Kamala: I am for you, Alrik of Valt.
Alrik: Nice wedding dress. How much did it cost?
Picard: Sigh.

Briam: Even an elderly man like me finds it hard to resist Kamala's charms. I am perplexed at how you managed to do so.
Picard: Please keep your insinuations to yourself, Ambassador. I already get enough of those whenever Q drops by for a visit.
Briam: Q? Q who?
Picard: He's an omnipotent being.
Briam: I wish I could still say the same for myself. Ah, to be young again....
(Picard watches Kamala's ship depart at Dolorous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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