The Offspring

By saxamaphone
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:21 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Offspring' Episode Guide

Lal: NOOOO... I mean, yes.

Picard: How can Data call it his child? Lal's an invention.
Troi: You wouldn't know, you've never had kids.
Picard: I'd love to be a parent -- I just hate kids.
Troi: That would make it kinda hard, wouldn't it?

Picard: You know this is going to be a big responsibility.
Data: I have prepared by reading a book by Ambassador Spock, A Logician's Guide to Baby and Child Care.
Picard: Fascinating.

Data: Lal, this is home.
Lal: Home: a place of residence, as in abode, dwelling, domicile....
Data: Ah, like father, like daughter.

Wesley: What does she do when you're working?
Data: Anything she wants without any supervision.
Wesley: Cool! Can I be your kid too?
Crusher: Wesley!
Wesley: Erm, I'd better go.

Lal: If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?
Data: I do not know -- that is kind of a question for Chakotay.

Admiral Haftel: We want to study this new android.
Picard: Great! I'll use any excuse to get a kid off the Enterprise.
Haftel: But Lal's an android, not a kid.
Picard: Sorry, no deal then.

Lal: Father, the other kids made fun of me today!
Data: I am sure it was not all that bad.
Lal: They keep saying, "Your daddy is a walking thesaurus."
Data: Those little punks, rapscallions, miscreants, delinquents....

Guinan: So two androids walk into a bar --
Data: Hi Guinan, can my daughter work for you?
Guinan: No, you spoiled my joke.

Lal: What are that man and woman doing?
Guinan: Access the term "fooling around."
Lal: Intriguing!
Riker: What's a girl like you doing in a pl-- (is grabbed and kissed by Lal)
Data: What are you doing with my daughter?
Riker: Daughter? I guess you really are fully functional.

Haftel: I'm here to take Lal.
Picard: But you'll be breaking up a family.
Haftel: Nonsense -- they're both toasters.
Picard: I hear this from everyone! Look, if you put bread in Data, you're not going to get toast!
Haftel: Do you speak from experience?
Picard: Erm, no.

Haftel: There comes a time when a parent must give up their child.
Data: But, she is only a few weeks old.
Haftel: So? It worked with my kid. I say if they're old enough to spill their food, they're old enough to get a job.

Lal: I feel sad!
Troi: I sense that something's wrong, Lal.
Lal: I feel annoyed with you.

Haftel: I've had a sudden change of heart. It was a mistake to try and take Lal.
La Forge: So, she's going to be all right?
Haftel: No, unfortunately.
Troi: I knew something was wrong when I saw her wearing a red shirt today.

Data: Lal has ceased functioning.
Picard: We're all very sorry for your loss, Mr. Data.
Data: However, I downloaded her memories so she may live on. Hey... she never told me about that, or that! Commander Riker!
(Riker runs away at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

saxamaphone is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.