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May 19 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

The Drumhead

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:32 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Drumhead' Episode Guide

Riker: How did you manage to smuggle restricted information about our ship to the Romulans?
J'Dan: I did no such thing! You accuse me because I am Klingon!
Troi: That's not true. Humans gave up the practice of ethnic profiling a very long time ago.
J'Dan: My great-uncle Klaang was shot on sight by the first human to see a Klingon!
Troi: Make that "a reasonably long time ago."

Picard: Welcome aboard, Admiral Satie. We appreciate your help in investigating the explosion in our warp core.
Satie: My pleasure. Rest assured that I will uncover the conspiracy behind this dastardly act of sabotage whether it exists or not.

Worf: This hypospray suggests that J'Dan's information was sent to the Romulans in the form of coded proteins carried in the bloodstream.
Satie: Excellent, Mr. Worf. Now go extract a confession from the prisoner by using whatever Klingon interrogation methods are necessary.
Worf: Admiral, that could prove to be...uh, messy.
Satie: I'd also like to watch.

J'Dan: I did steal the information, but I did not sabotage the warp core!
Picard: If he's telling the truth, it would imply that there's a broader conspiracy at work here.
Satie: By definition, a conspiracy has to involve more than one person -- so I believe him.
Worf: Shall I cease the interrogation, then?
Satie: Yes. Please thank Mr. Data for letting us borrow his Irving Berlin recordings.

Picard: I'm grateful we have a jurist of your stature on this case. Your background is most impressive.
Satie: Thank you. I'm especially proud to have been the very first human to participate in the Inter-Species Legal Exchange Programme.
Picard: That's quite an accomplishment. What did you study during your tour?
Satie: Cardassian and Klingon courtroom procedures.

Genestra: My Betazoid senses tell me that one of witnesses we questioned is lying.
Picard: Who?
Genestra: Crewman What' know, the one with the suspiciously pointed ears.
Picard: Crewman Tarses?
Genestra: Yeah, that's the one.

Satie: I want Tarses to be put under surveillance and barred from all sensitive areas of the ship.
Picard: Just because your Betazoid aide is suspicious of him? We should assume that Tarses is innocent until we have solid evidence against him.
Satie: I'll consider your recommendation, Captain...when this becomes a democracy.

Data: It turns out the explosion was caused by a manufacturing defect in the dilithium crystal articulation frame.
La Forge: In other words, it was an accident rather than a case of sabotage.
Satie: We should not jump to conclusions. The conspiracy may very well extend all the way to the workers at the articulation frame factory!

Picard: I disapprove of your opening this inquiry to spectators. You're making it look like a show trial.
Satie: Crewman Tarses will be more inclined to admit his guilt under the bright light of public scrutiny.
Picard: I also object to the fact that you've seated a kangaroo next to him.
Satie: He can't afford his own lawyer, so he has to be satisfied with whatever counsel the public defender's office can provide him free of charge.

Genestra: Is it not true that your paternal grandfather was a Romulan rather than a Vulcan?
Tarses: I refuse to answer that question.
Satie: The court orders you to answer.
Riker: Objection! Our Constitution's Seventh Guarantee protects the defendant against self-incrimination.
Satie: Not anymore. That right was suspended by the Federation's new security law -- the "Uncovering Subversive Activities by Prosecuting Alien Terrorists, Romulan Impostors and Other Traitors Act."
Riker: You're making that up. There's no such legislation.
Satie: Yes there is. It was adopted in secret last Tuesday.

Picard: These hearings are unethical and they must cease immediately.
Satie: These hearings will not only continue, they will be expanded to investigate you. Admiral Henry of Starfleet Security is coming here to observe the proceedings.
Picard: Admiral Henry is a fair man. He'll put a stop to this witch-hunt.
Satie: If he does, I'll have him arrested!

Satie: Are you or have you ever been a member of a communist organization?
Picard: No.
Satie: Really? What about when you were assimilated by the Borg?
Picard: The Borg hardly qualify as a communist organization.
Satie: They live in a commune, don't they?
Picard: It's called a "collective," not a commune.
Satie: Close enough.

Picard: How far are you going to take this travesty of justice?
Satie: As far as I have to! If necessary, I'll put all of humanity on trial to answer the charge of being a grievously savage race!
Picard: And for Admiral Henry's benefit, are you prepared to restate your belief that people accused of improper actions should be allowed to hang themselves with their own words?
Satie: I most certainly am!
Picard: Thank you.
Satie: Oops.

Worf: Admiral Henry has ended the hearings. Admiral Satie has been recalled.
Picard: Good. If I wasn't so tired of courtrooms, I'd sue her for wrongful prosecution.
Worf: Seeking redress through the courts is a human affectation. A Klingon would avenge himself with bloodshed.
Picard: Mr. Worf, you have a great deal to learn about human lawyers.
(The Enterprise sails away at Litigious Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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