The Defector

By Marc Richard
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:20 PM GMT

See Also: 'The Defector' Episode Guide

Holographic Michael Williams: If ye be a common soldier, why resemblest thou our leader so much?
Data: (as a disguised Henry V) Methinks I could ask thee the same question.

Worf: A Romulan scoutship is crossing the Neutral Zone and heading towards us!
Riker: Its pilot must be insane.
Setal: (over the comm) I request asylum!
Picard: Granted. Mr. Worf, prepare a straightjacket for this man.

Picard: Open a channel to the Warbird.
Worf: Open.
Picard: I....
(The Warbird turns and flees)
Picard: Wait, let me finish!
Worf: Too late...those Romulan cowards have run away.
Riker: After that threatening speech from the Captain, who can blame them?

Setal: I've come to warn you that the Empire is building a secret base at Nelvana III.
Riker: Strange that we haven't detected it yet.
Setal: That's why it's called a secret base, you imbecile!

Riker: I think he's a plant.
Picard: I think you need a refresher course in botany.

Setal: Keep away from me, you Klingon p'taK!
Riker: Watch your language, you Romulan veruul!
Crusher: Would you be quiet, you uncouth boors?
Worf: You have much to learn about cursing, Doctor.
Crusher: How about if I tell you where to stuff this hypospray?
Worf: (nodding) Better.

Setal: Computer -- one Romulan ale.
Computer: Request denied. That beverage is illegal.
Setal: If you give me one anyway I'll slip you ten voljucks.
Computer: Please restate bribe in Federation credit units.

Data: Long-range sensors show nothing unusual at Nelvana III.
Picard: Your eyes can deceive you -- don't trust them.

Data: Can you not mingle with the crew to assess their mood, sir?
Picard: It's not easy for me to disguise myself as a common soldier.
Data: Perhaps it would work if you tried to imitate an Englishman.
Picard: Good idea. My normal French accent is a dead giveaway.

Riker: What is the current deployment of the Romulan fleet?
Setal: Irrelevant!
Troi: How do they get the caramel into the Caramilk bar?
Setal: Irrelevant! Irrelevant!
Riker: Cut out the Borg routine and answer us!
Setal: This discussion is futile.

La Forge: To catch someone with their pants down, we humans listen to our guts while filling in the missing pieces of the puzzle.
Data: That would imply using a stethoscope on oneself near the Recreation Room lavatory.
La Forge: No, what I meant your feelings, Data.
Data: What feelings, master?

Setal/Jarok: I am actually an Admiral pretending to be a common soldier.
Data: How did you think up such a preposterous scheme?

Jarok: Why do you accuse me of fence-sitting and double-talk?
Picard: Because a real defector would offer us valuable classified information.
Jarok: I may be a traitor but I am not a traitor!
Picard: Sigh.

Picard: Set a course for Nelvana III.
Riker: Has Jarok finally agreed to cooperate?
Picard: Yes, he's told me everything he knows.
Troi: Ooooh...even about the caramel thingy?

Picard: Admiral, there is no secret base at Nelvana III!
Jarok: Are you saying my allegations were baseless?
Picard: I'm saying your superiors must have fed you disinformation.
Jarok: Impossible! We Romulans are not that devious!
Riker: Duh.
Jarok: I mean towards each other.

Tomalak: Surrender or my two Warbirds will destroy you!
Picard: If they do that, my three Klingon escorts will destroy you!
Tomalak: Well, if they do that, device will destroy them!
Picard: Tomalak, you moron, that's one of our bluffs.
Tomalak: Oops.

Crusher: Jarok's dead, Captain.
Riker: He left a letter for his wife and daughter.
Data: Sir, perhaps you and I should secretly go to Romulus to deliver it.
Picard: Oh, please...can you picture us disguised as Romulans?
Riker: Hey, it worked for Kirk.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Marc Richard is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.