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May 26 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Michael DeSanto
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:46 PM GMT

See Also: 'Tapestry' Episode Guide

Riker: We were attacked! The Captain's been fatally injured!
Worf: That's what he gets for leading the away team.

Crusher: He's dead!
Riker: Woohoo! Captain at last!

(flash of bright light)
Picard: Where am I?
Q: In heaven.
Picard: Why does heaven look like the place where the Prophets live?
Q: It's the same complex. They live next door.

Q: You're dead and I'm God. We're gonna be buddies for eternity!
Picard: Talk about eternal damnation....

Q: So, do you have any regrets?
Picard: Yeah, I didn't get to fool around with Beverly.
Q: Besides that.
Picard: I got stabbed and they had to replace my heart. Does that count?
Q: It'll fill an hour. (snaps fingers)

Q: You're now a young ensign again.
Picard: Then why am I still bald?
Q: You lost your hair at 13. Moving on....
Picard: What about the timeline?
Q: Timeline, shmimeline!

Picard: Marta! Corey! My old college buddies! It's great to see you again!
Marta: Old?
Corey: Have you been smoking felicium again, Jonny?

Picard: I'm late for one of my many dates!
Q: It's like James T. Kirk all over again.

Picard: Penny, you were great last night, but now I'd like to learn more about you. Your last name, for instance. Or perhaps any STDs you're carrying.
Penny: (throws drink in Picard's face) Good-bye!
Q: Smooth, Jonny.

Nausicaans: We're here to play dom-jot. We're also going to cheat.
Corey: I find that unfair....

Corey: The Nausicaans were cheating! It was so unfair! I'm going to get back at them.
Picard: No! Don't do that! They'll get mad and stab me!
Marta: Yeah, don't do it.
Corey: Okay, I won't not not not do it. (leaves room)
Picard: Good. Wait a minute....

Corey: It's a good thing no one's here in this unlocked bar at night so I can tamper with their equipment.
Picard: I told you not to do this!
Corey: Oh, I thought you were kidding.

Picard: Corey just won't listen to me.
Marta: That's nice. Let's get rid of all this sexual tension by having sex.

Picard: You were really good...Q?
Q: Oh, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Not even Janeway.

Picard: I think we've ruined our friendship, Marta.
Marta: That's okay. At least we're not serving together, so I won't get killed off.

Nausicaans: We're here to play dom-jot. We're also going to beat the crap out of you.
Corey: Let's fight!
Picard: No, let's get out of it by speechifying! "Violence doesn't solve anything...."
Nausicaans: Anything but that! We're out of here!
Q: Congrats. You saved your heart. (snaps fingers)

Worf: Is something wrong, Lieutenant Picard?
Picard: What's going on? Why am I a lieutenant? Who's the captain of this ship?
Data: Kathryn Janeway.
Picard: I better get promoted quick.

Picard: Q! What did you do?
Q: Nothing. By not fighting the Nausicaans, you became a sniveling weenie. Even more so.

Picard: I think I can make more out of my miserable life. I want to become captain.
Troi: You're kidding, right?
Riker: Starfleet only lets the most competent officers in the fleet become captains. With one major exception.
Troi: (cough) Janeway (cough)

Picard: Q! I can't stand being so dull! Give me my old life back, please!
Q: You're dead in your old life.
Picard: Either bring me back to life or I'll start speechifying.
(flash of light)

Picard: I had the most wonderful dream. You were there, and you, and you, and you....

Riker: So Q was just playing another one of those tricks on you again.
Picard: I think he was just trying to find a way to get into bed with me.
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Michael DeSanto is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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