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May 25 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Nic Corelli
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:10 PM GMT

See Also: 'Symbiosis' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We're studying a star whose massive flares are making our computer go all flashy-blue and nuts. What a beautiful opportunity for Reckless Endangerment of the Ship [TM]. Janeway would be so proud.

Data: Captain, a distress call is coming from the ship orbiting the fourth planet. It's being sent to the third planet.
Picard: Well, I'm pretty sure we're not the third planet. Turn it off.
Data: Captain, need I remind you that distress calls are an important source of plots? Even good ones, on occasion?
Picard: Oh, in that case, don't turn it off. We certainly need a good plot after that Klingon death-howling episode.

Picard: This is Subcommander Almak from the Romulan Warbird T'Met.
T'Jon: (over the comm) WAAAH!
Picard: Ha! Fooled you! Seriously now, this is the USS Enterprise. Can we be of assistance?
T'Jon: I dunno....
Riker: Yes or no?
T'Jon: I guess... whatever....
Riker: "Whatever"? Are you on drugs or something?
T'Jon: Uh, was that last one a rhetorical question?

Picard: (over the comm) Transporter Room, the Ornaran ship is breaking up. Did you get the crew out?
Riker: We'll have to try again. All we got the first time were some metal cargo containers.
Picard: Are they any more articulate than their owners?
Riker: I don't see much difference yet.

Sobi and Langor: It's our cargo!
T'Jon and Romas: Is not!
Sobi and Langor: Is too!
Yar: Wow, electrical powers. Certainly a weapon that's hard to confiscate.
Riker: You're a big help. I don't see much of a future for you in Starfleet Security.

Troi: Did you notice how the Ornarans didn't show any grief over the death of their other crewmates?
Picard: Please stop pointing out the obvious, Counselor. It's already enough that Commander Riker has questioned the usefulness of one member of this crew.

Picard: What is this cargo of felicium and what makes it so important?
Langor: It's a dru...ummm...medicine. Ahem.
Riker: "Drumedicine"?
Sobi: That's the Brekkan word for "very expensive phramaceutical product."

T'Jon: The plague is killing us! Our entire civilization is infected! THOUSANDS of us!
Riker: Gee, what a big civilization.
Romas: The felicium is the only medicine that keeps us alive!
Crusher: And I don't suppose that there's a cheap generic version on the market?
Langor: No, that would infringe our patents.

Sobi: Our policy is strict: no drug insurance, no dru...ummm...medicine. Ahem.
Crusher: How about a few teeny weeny drops?
Langor: Oh, all right.
T'Jon: Sniff!
Romas: Oh yeah!
Crusher: Hmm....

Picard: You believe that felicium is a narcotic, Doctor?
Crusher: Yes! Everyone on Ornara is addicted to it!
Picard: I can't imagine what it must be like to depend on a chemical substance. Computer -- tea, Earl Grey, hot.
Crusher: Isn't that your twelfth cup since this morning?
Picard: Find someone who drinks that much coffee, then complain.

Captain's Log: Ha! Take that, CSI, NYPD Blue and Law & Order! You and your addicts-of-the-week! We have an entire civilization addicted to drugs! Beat that!

Crusher: The plague no longer exists! The Brekkans are keeping the Ornarans addicted out of pure greed!
Picard: The Prime Directive prevents us from interfering.
Crusher: I'm prepared to resign to protest your policy on this!
Picard: You'll have wait till Lieutenant Yar leaves the ship. She's in line ahead of you.

Wesley: I don't understand. Are drugs really bad?
Yar: Yes, Wesley! Drugs are big, bad, evil and naughty! Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty!
Wesley: So I should just say no to them?
Yar: Yes.
Wesley: You mean "yes" I should say no, or no I should say "yes"?
Yar: Isn't it obvious?

Langor: Guess what? We've totally changed our mind! We'll give all four billion dosages of felicium to the Ornarans.
Crusher: Really? Even though T'Jon said his civilization consists of only a few thousands?
Sobi: Well, sure! They can knock themselves out! Anything to cure the naughty, naughty plague.

Picard: So, there. Take your felicium to Ornara and knock yourself out.
T'Jon: What about the ship-repair equipment you promised us? We need it to maintain our interplanetary trade with the Brekkans.
Picard: Sorry, but the Prime Directive forbids us from interfering with the natural course of your ineptitude.
Langor: Oh no! That'll destroy our centuries-old trade agreement! How will our people make money from now on?
Picard: Perhaps the Ferengi could give you some suggestions.
Sobi: Who do you think helped us go into business in the first place?

Picard: Take us wherever you want, Mr. La Forge. Make it special, though. It's the least we can do for Tasha and Beverly while they're still with us.
Yar: I wish you'd stop dropping ominous hints about my career, sir.
Crusher: I'm sure he's bluffing because he knows I'm coming back.
Yar: How does that help me?
Crusher: Think of it -- a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. Would you break up a perfect trio like that if you were in charge?
(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Nic Corelli is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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