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An archive of Star Trek News


By Wade the Sane Commodore
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:30 PM GMT

See Also: 'Inheritance' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We are in orbit of Penthara IV, where... I'm sorry; my heart just isn't in this anymore. Nobody even reads these things. Will! Get over here and finish the log.
First Officer's Log: So there me and Deanna were, all alone --
Captain's Log: --When I threatened to demote Commander Riker to Ensign if he ever tried to turn my logs into dime store dirty novels.
First Officer's Log: Aww.

La Forge: So our goal is to warm up your planet's core with our phasers.
Dr. Tainer: Yes, nothing could go wrong with a foolproof plan like that.
Data: Agreed. We have come up with several new technobabble terms just for this event.
Picard: Then it's settled. I will ask Mr. Worf to come up with several targets to fire at.
Dr. Tainer: Captain, perhaps the scientists should determine the drilling locations.
Picard: Sure, if we have time we can fire at those too.

Juliana Tainer: Data, do you know who I am?
Data: You appear to be Juliana Tainer.
Juliana: (sniff) Oh son, I have missed your ability to state the obvious.
Data: Son? You refer to me as your child?
Juliana: Yes Data, I am your mother!
Data: I just always figured with dad spending all that time around the toaster....

Data: I confirmed her flim-flam story. She is my mom.
La Forge: Uh huh.
Data: I have so many questions for her. Isn't this exciting?
La Forge: Uh huh.
Data: I'm going to go ask her my life story! Bye!
Bulkhead: Uh huh.

Data: Please tell me about my development past. Was there a Beta Data?
Juliana: There was B1, B2, B3, B5, then Lore, and then you.
Data: What about B4?
Juliana: Before what?
Data: Never mind. Could you push my reset button for me? I need to forget this information later.
Juliana: Anything else you'd like to know?
Data: Yes, why didn't you take me with you then you escaped the Crystalline Entity?
Juliana: Um... no space. Moving on....

Picard: Inform the Pentharans we are getting ready to fire.
Worf: Sir, we're orbiting Atrea IV, not Penthara IV.
Picard: Oh, right right. I'll get it; it's just a matter of time.

Dr. Tainer: It does know what its doing?
Riker: I'll thank you to refer to Mr. Worf as 'he'.
Worf: Grr....
Dr. Tainer: No, stupid! The robot!
Riker: Data? His programming is error-prone, I mean error-plot. Error-proof. Shut up.

Juliana: We put on a pretty good concert, you and I.
Data: Mother, I have noticed that your playing of that piece was flawless. How do you maintain such a level of perfection?
Juliana: I don't, dear. It's a recording.
Data: Ah! Do you carry many different tunes with you?
Juliana: No, only eight tracks at a time.

Data: It appears we've angered the volcano gods. The planet is destabilizing. Starfleet protocol says to sacrifice a virgin to appease their demands.
La Forge: Oh no you don't! Geordi awwway! (runs down passageway)
Data: Okay, Plan B. Invincible man and random visitor.
Juliana: (walking up) What's going on, dear?
Data: Mr. O'Brien, two to beam to the surface. Energize.

Juliana: Data, when I said that there wasn't any room in the escape pod, I kinda sorta lied. Sorry.
Data: That's okay. Look, now we need to jump fifty feet for no reason. Ready? One, two, SHOVE!
Juliana: Splat!
Data: Oh mom, you dropped your arm. Wait a minute....

Holo-Dr. Soong: Who has activated this help wizard? Identify yourself!
Data: I am Data, son of Soong!
Soong: Very well. You're probably inquiring about the warranty on Juliana. It's expired. So is she. Crystalline Entity, snowflakes, coma. Couldn't stand her dead, so Juliana is the first android to have a consciousness downloaded to it. Gettin' all this?
Data: Actually, there was this one time we, I mean I....
Soong: Quiet Schizoid. So anyhoo, long story short, we divorced and she ran off with some hot shot geologist. I was playing GOD and she wanted a man who played with ROCKS! Oh, and be sure not to tell her what's up. I don't want to ruin her end of life surprise.
Data: I won't ask.

Data: Mom's a 'droid.
La Forge: Uh huh.
Data: I have reached a personal dilemma on whether or not to tell her the truth.
La Forge: Uh huh.
Data: Geordi, are you paying attention?
La Forge: Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Juliana: Good morning Data. Am I okay?
Data: Yes. You lost consciousness for a time, but you are now within normal operating parameters.
Juliana: How long was I out?
Data: Um... twenty seconds.
Juliana: Really? It felt more like a day.
Data: Twenty seconds.
(Data's estranged family grows at Ludicrous Speed.)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Wade the Sane Commodore is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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