By dsbs
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:06 PM GMT

See Also: 'Haven' Episode Guide

La Forge: Sir, we've arrived at Haven.
Data: I fail to understand the significance of that name.
Picard: This planet is rumoured to be the most peaceful, beautiful, restful world in the whole galaxy.
Riker: Sounds like we can expect trouble here.
Picard: Agreed. Stand by to go on Red Alert.

Yar: (over the comm) Commander Riker, you're needed in Transporter Room One right now.
Riker: Is it more important than a holorecording of two lovely young harpists?
Riker: Right away, ma'am.

Scary-Looking Box: I come bearing gifts for Deanna Troi! (BANG!)
Troi: Oh no! Wedding presents! Jewels and riches beyond my wildest dreams! WAAAA!
Riker: Wedding presents? For you? Exactly what is that supposed to mean?

Picard: Welcome aboard, future husband and in-laws of Deanna Troi.
Mrs. Miller: Pleased to meet you, future stepfather of Deanna Troi -- if Mrs. Troi has her way.
Picard: What?
Mr. Miller: (to wife) You weren't supposed to let that slip out, dear.
Mrs. Miller: Oops.
Troi: Where is my mother anyway? And what are those papers?
Wyatt Miller: What papers?
Troi: The drawings in your hand of a beautiful woman who looks nothing like me.
Wyatt: Oops.

Lwaxana Troi: Where is everyone? Why do people always run when I enter the room?
Troi: I'd love to answer your question, Mother, but I'm late for an important meeting.

Wyatt: I'm a doctor.
Troi: I'm happy for you. And I'm a practicing psychologist. We could work in concert.
Wyatt: I said I'm a doctor, not a musician.
Troi: Are there any men on this ship who aren't morons?

Data: An unknown ship is approaching Haven, sir.
Picard: It's Tarellian.
Data: How can that be? The Tarellians all died of a plague long ago.
Picard: Well if they were all extinct, we wouldn't have much of a plot for this episode, now would we?
Data: I thought that logic was my specialty, sir.
Picard: Use it or lose it, Data.

Lwaxana: Earth traditions suck!
Mrs. Miller: Betazoid traditions suck!
Data: (to Troi) What is the significance of the gong which Mr. Homm keeps sounding?
Troi: It's a traditional feature of Betazoid pre-wedding feasts.
Wyatt: And of Earth boxing matches.

Yar: Incoming message from the Tarellian plague ship, sir.
Ariana: (on viewscreen) Allow us to land on Haven. We believe the planet will cure us.
Troi: And I believe you look like the fantasy woman in Wyatt's drawings.
Picard: Well, that's an interesting twist which no one expected.

Wyatt: I've come to tell you that I'm canceling our wedding and that I'm going to join Ariana on the other ship.
Troi: I always suspected that you were a two-timing womanizer.
Mrs. Miller: What are you carrying in that box, son? Stolen medical supplies?
Wyatt: No, Deanna's engagement jewels. I'm taking them back.
Troi: I always suspected you were a cheapskate, too.

Wyatt: (over the comm) Isn't it amazing? Ariana drew portraits of a fantasy man who looks just like me! She's a fellow artist!
Mr. Wyatt: Does that mean the two of you will be working in concert?
Troi: Forget it, Mr. Wyatt. That kind of question flies right over his head.

Lwaxana: I'll be leaving now.
Picard: Goodbye, Mrs. Troi.
Lwaxana: Captain! Shame on you for thinking what you just thought!
Picard: Preposterous! Starfleet regulations prohibit officers from having impure thoughts about visiting dignitaries!
Lwaxana: "Impure" isn't exactly how I'd describe a comment like "And good ridance!"
(Picard runs out of the Transporter Room at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

dsbs is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.