Future Imperfect

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:27 PM GMT

See Also: 'Future Imperfect' Episode Guide

People: Happy Birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You smell like a monkey, and you play the 'bone like one too.
Riker: I'm not sure if I'm more upset at the song or the fact that I've never met over half of you.
Troi: You won't be upset with me after I give you my present. First we get in a bathtub, then I shave your beard, and then --
Picard: (over the comm) Oooh, there's a fog machine on the planet! Go check it out, Will.
Riker: Sigh.

Crusher: Go into the light.... Go into the light....
Riker: Huh? What's going on?
Crusher: Oh, great. He's alive and he's lost his memory.
Riker: I don't remember losing my memory.
Crusher: Sigh. This is going to take a while. I'm Beverly. Remember me?
Riker: You're trapped in a warp bubble?

Crusher: Sixteen years ago, you beamed down, found a toxic fog machine, caught a virus, and have now lost your memory since that time.
Riker: Can you be more specific?
Crusher: According to this brain scan, the virus you contracted caused a split infinitive in your gerund leading to --
Riker: Doctor, use English!
Crusher: You've lost the past sixteen years of your memory.
Riker: Oh.

Riker: So Data's my first officer now?
B4: Actually, I'm not Data.
Riker: Sure, whatever.

Nog: A Romulan ship will be decloaking.
Riker: I'll be looking forward to it.
B4: Why are you talking like that?
Riker: No, "Why will you be talking like that?" Remember, it's future imperfect.

Picard: So you lost your memory? Ha ha. Sucks to be you.
Riker: Geez, you don't have to be so mean.
Picard: Sure, I do. It's one of the perks of admiralty. The other is ordering you to make peace with the Romulans.
Riker: I've never trusted Romulans, and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my boy.
Troi: Then you remember?
Riker: Remember what?
Troi: Um, nothing. Never mind.

Jean-Luc: Will, you are my father.
Riker: No, that's not true! That's impossible!
Troi: Um, no, it's not. And with the way you get around, I bet he's got some brothers and sisters.
Riker: Don't mess up the movie quote.

Riker: So where's his mother, anyway?
Troi: She's dead. Died of a computer purge.
Riker: Huh?
Troi: Plot point. Never mind.

Tomalak: I'm honored to be the first Romulan to freely move about the Enterprise and plant bombs anywhere I want.
Picard: The honor is ours.
Tomalak: An historic occasion: We come in peace; you leave in pieces -- I mean, in peace.
Riker: I don't trust him.
Troi: I don't sense anything wrong.
Tomalak: It will also be nice to finally get our hands on all that classified information about the location of Outpost 23.

Crusher: Your son hurt himself. And while you're here, let me give you some advice on raising a kid.
Riker: And have my son turn out like Wesley? No, thanks.
Crusher: Well, at least let me tell you what not to do.

Riker: Sniff. I love you, son.
Jean-Luc: Sniff. I love you too, dad.
Riker: Sniff. My dad sucked.
Jean-Luc: Yeah, mine too.
Riker: HEY!

Riker: Computer, show me the little woman.
Computer: You've had countless romantic encounters; please specify.
Jean-Luc: Try giving it a stardate. Computer, show the picture of mom from stardate 11001001.
Riker: Isn't that kind of long for a stardate?
Jean-Luc: Um, it was a leap year.

Riker: I love you, son.
Jean-Luc: I love you too, dad. Hey, where's mom?
Riker: Good point. Computer, activate EMH.
Minuet: Please state the nature of the maternal emergency.

Riker: HEY!

Riker: This is all a hoax, and I can prove it! Worf, where'd you get that scar?
Worf: In battle against the Dominion.
Riker: Ha! Whoever heard of the Dominion? And, Data, what's the square root of two?
B4: I'm not Data.
Riker: Ha! You used a contraction!
B4: Data normally uses contractions in fivers.
Riker: Whatever. Why don't we end this silly episode?
Tomalak: Party pooper.

Tomalak: So what didn't strike a chord? We figured you'd waltz right through our simulated future.
Riker: It was Minuet who made me face the music.
Tomalak: But we chose a love interest who was canon.
Riker: Too bad she was just a jazzed up hologram.
Tomalak: Sigh. All right, standard bad guy routine, tell me about Outpost 23.
Riker: It was built after Outpost 22, but before Outpost 24.
Tomalak: I hate you.

Ethan: I'm scared of you.
Riker: Don't be scared.
Ethan: Oh, okay. Let's escape then.
Tomalak: We're going to let you escape now.
Riker: This is just a bit too convenient. Gasp! This is all a hoax too, isn't it?
Ethan: Party pooper.

Picard: (over the comm) Geez, took you long enough. Did you find the fog machine?
Riker: There is no fog machine.
Picard: Nuts.

Barash: So I'm actually insect-boy and I kidnapped you so we could play house together.
Riker: That's okay. I forgive you.
Barash: Can I be a recurring character?
Riker: I think that's going a bit far. Riker to Enterprise, one to beam up.
(Riker leaves Barash at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.