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June 12 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Nic Corelli and Sa'ar Chasm\
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:35 PM GMT

See Also: 'Emergence' Episode Guide

Picard: Shall we try it once more from the beginning? Data, what are you doing with that kettle? I already had my Earl Grey.
Data: You need not make such a fuss over it, Captain. I am merely trying to perform The Tempest in a teapot.

Data: Oh brave new world, that has such trains in it... Wait. Trains?
(divers alarums)
Picard: How strange! Why would a train suddenly storm in on the Holodeck and attack the two of us, Data?
Data: It's practicing for the hundred metre dash?
Enterprise: (I've been forced to endure Shakespeare for one last time....)

Crusher: That train was from my Orient Express program. You're lucky it didn't run you down.
Picard: Murdered by the Orient Express. How ironic.
Data: Shall we go to warp, sir?
Picard: We'll make it so, Mr. Data. Helmsman....
Enterprise: ENGAGE!
Picard: HEY! Bad ship! No stealing lines from your Captain!

La Forge: Curious. The Enterprise detected a dangerous anomaly and jumped to warp to save us, even though the anomaly was undetectable.
Picard: I suggest modifying the sensors to detect that now.
La Forge: Nah, what are the odds of running into it twice?

La Forge: Look at this, Data. This panel has a weird alien node.
Data: Then we can hope for some weird alien flowers and scents from it.
La Forge: Hmm... What if it's an alien trap?
Data: Oh please. You couldn't recognize an alien trap if it painted itself pink and danced in front of you naked with a giant neon sign flashing: "I AM AN ALIEN TRAP".

Conductor: Let me see your tickets.
Data: Um....
Conductor: I find your lack of tickets disturbing.
Riker: Let me do the talking. I know how to handle these situations. (waving fingers) You don't need to see our tickets.
Worf: We're not with him.

Data: It appears the ship is under control of the Holodeck.
Riker: Why should today be any different?
Worf: Don't tell me. Let me guess. For the 47th time?
Data: 1647th, actually.

Data: The ship is developing self-determined intelligence. It is emerging....
La Forge: After it has been long submerged....
Worf: But now the nodes have merged....
Riker: And the intelligence has reemerged....
Picard: And caused us quite an... emergency?

Troi: Let's interact with the characters to gain valuable clues. Just don't arouse the suspicions of the Belgian with the funny moustache.
Worf: What's that?
Guy: A puzzle. Want to help?
Worf: Sure. How do you kill it?

Troi: Could you please tell me what the last station this train visits is?
Conductor: This is the Orient Express.
Troi: Yes, but that's not my question. Tell me what the last station is.
Conductor: Don't you read History? This is the Orient Express! What do you think the last station is? Winnipeg? Moose Jaw?

La Forge: Hey, look, a glowing interlocked shape sitting in the cargo bay. Haven't seen anything that weird in days.

Picard: (over the comm) Status report, Counselor.
Troi: It's very strange. The Mobster is doing some construction work....
Mobster: You need an education... it's just another brick in the wall.
Picard: What about you, Data?
Data: Oh, it's just lovely! After the train, I'm now being attacked by a car. (sticks out hand) You! Shall not! Pass!

Troi: The ship seems pretty persistent in finishing what it's doing. It's behaving like a baby.
Picard: So what do we do, Counselor? Send it to bed without antimatter?
Troi: I say we let it finish what it's doing.
Riker: How can you say that? What if it's building an army of Evil Lemmings of Doom?
Troi: We'll push them off a cliff, then.

Conductor: You! Shovel coal!
Worf: Coal-shovelling? I think not. Romulan-decapitated-corpse-shovelling? Yes please!
Conductor: Just shovel.
Worf: When my work is done I will show you the Klingon custom of p'tinH onn'Ise, the Elimination of Witnesses.

Conductor: AAAAAH! We didn't arrive where we were supposed to! We've been following the wrong track all along! (derails train).
Troi: I'd never thought someone would actually be disappointed for not arriving in Moose Jaw.
Conductor: Set course for New Moose Jaw!
Worf: New Moose Jaw?
Conductor: It's like Old Moose Jaw, only fleshier.

La Forge: I think the Enterprise is trying to create a lifeform. It needs....
Enterprise: I need moose. Get me some moose!
Picard: Meese.
Enterprise: What the spluck?
Picard: Meese. The correct plural of the word "moose" is "meese".
Enterprise: Take your bloody grammar and bury it alongside your phony accent!

La Forge: I think this is what we're looking for... Detecting lots of vertion particles....
Picard: There's moose in that nebula!
(sparkly SFX)
La Forge: Captain, this panel has no nodes.
Picard: (over comm) Then how does it smell?
La Forge: New baby fresh.

Conductor: We have arrived! WOOHOO!
Mobster: Yaaay!
Worf: Whoopee yeeba yeeba!
Troi: Captain, I think I sense happiness.

Data: The new life form has flown away, sir.
Picard: I can't help but feel that this new life form contains the sum total of our beliefs and experiences. In essence, it's our baby.
Data: Does this call for a round of cigars, then?
(Picard and Data smoke up the Ready Room at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Nic Corelli and Sa'ar Chasm\ is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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