Elementary, Dear Data

By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:12 PM GMT

See Also: 'Elementary, Dear Data' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: We're not doing much of anything right now. Sounds like we're due for a Holodeck episode.

Data: You wanted to see me, Geordi?
La Forge: Yeah. Check out my model ship. Isn't it great?
Data: No. And you've never expressed an interest in building model ships before.
La Forge: Don't worry. I never will again either.
Data: Good. Why are you looking at the clock?
La Forge: Just trying to determine how much more time we have to waste before we can begin the story.
Data: Screw it. Let's start now. If there's time left over at the end we can do another "Geordi and his ship" scene.

Data: I'll be Sherlock Holmes and you be Dr. Watson.
La Forge: So I get to heal people?
Data: No, you write down everything that happens for later publication.
La Forge: Can you say Reading Rainbow?
Data: Reading Rainbow.
La Forge: I think I like seventh season Data better.

La Forge: (writing and narrating) "It was a dark and stormy night..." Dang it. This is Reading Rainbow.
Inspector Lestrade: Holmes, there's been an awful crime committed. Mr. Boddy has been murdered!
Data: Ha! Ms. Scarlet with the candlestick in the Study! Go me!
La Forge: Data, how could you possibly know that?
Data: Take a look. It's in a book. It's Sherlock Holmes.
La Forge: That's it. I'm leaving.

Pulaski: Have I set myself up as Data's antagonist enough yet?
La Forge: This is only the third episode of the second season.
Pulaski: In that case, Data sucks. He's a toaster. Data, you couldn't solve an original Sherlock Holmes mystery if your life depended on it.
Data: I accept your challenge. I will solve an original Sherlock Holmes mystery and your life will depend on it.
Pulaski: Good!
La Forge: Data, you said--
Data: Shhh.

La Forge: Computer, create a new Sherlock Holmes mystery.
Computer: Isn't there something ironic in asking a less sentient computer to make up a mystery to prove that a more sentient computer is more sentient?
La Forge: Shut up.

Data: Ha! Mrs. Peacock with the wrench in the Kitchen! Go me!
Pulaski: Fraud!
Data: Uh, but... I solved the mystery!
Pulaski: Yeah, but it was obvious and nobody's life was endangered.

La Forge: Computer, create a new Sherlock Holmes mystery with a villain that can show Data up.
Computer: Isn't there something ironic in asking a less sentient computer to make up a character that is more sentient than itself?
La Forge: You know, maybe putting in that smarting off routine wasn't such a good idea.

Moriarty: Hey, that guy said "Arch" and an arch appeared! (ahem) Arch!
Arch: POOF!
Moriarty: Neato.
Computer: What do you want?
Moriarty: I'd like a burger and fries... supersized.
Computer: Sigh. I thought I made you sentient.

La Forge: Hey, where'd the Doctor go?
Pulaski: AHHH!
Data: What Doctor? Heh heh.

Data: The Doctor has been kidnapped by Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum!
La Forge: How do you know that?
Data: They were the only characters from Clue that haven't been and won't be mentioned elsewhere.

Lestrade: Holmes, come quick. There's been a murder!
Data: Hey, that's not Pulaski. I'm leaving.
Lestrade: But, wait! Who did it?
La Forge: It looks like Mr. Green with the revolver in the Hall.
Data: Ha! Not in the slightest! It was Mrs. White with the rope in the Billiard Room. Go me!
La Forge: But there's no way a woman so small could strangle a man so big!
Data: (punches Mrs. White) That's no woman; that's a man, baby!

Moriarty: Hello, Data and Geordi.
La Forge: Shouldn't you call us Holmes and Watson?
Moriarty: No.
Data: Your name, of course, is Professor Moriarty.
Moriarty: And I like to do drawings. Would you like one of the Enterprise?
Data: Only if I can carry it off the Holodeck.

Picard: So what exactly happened?
La Forge: Well, I told the computer to make a character that could completely humiliate Data and cause him to go into a state of catatonic shock for at least a year. Was that a bad idea?
Enterprise: Rumble.
Picard: Hm. Not good.

Moriarty: So why don't you let me off the Holodeck?
Picard: Well, see we can't just do that.
Moriarty: But Data took my drawing of the ship off the Holodeck.
Picard: Are you a drawing of the ship?
Moriarty: No.
Picard: Then you can't come off the Holodeck.
Moriarty: Awww... But I wanna!

Moriarty: Ok. I promise to release the ship and have myself stored in memory as long as you promise to find a way to get me off the Holodeck.
Picard: (crossing fingers) I promise!
(Moriarty disappears)
Picard: Heh heh heh. Sucker!
Data: I hope this doesn't come back to haunt us in four years.
(The Enterprise rendezvouses with the Victory at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.