By Derek Dean
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 5:29 PM GMT

See Also: 'Clues' Episode Guide

Thug: Hey, all I want is a piece of the action.

Picard: So what do you think of my Dixon Hill holodeck program?
Guinan: It sucks. I can't believe that you, the captain of the Enterprise, would lower himself to --
Picard: I can kill Borg with it.
Guinan: I love it.

Captain's Log: Here's where the real episode starts.

Data: Hey, wake up, everybody!
Riker: (in his sleep) Aw, mom, can't I have five more minutes?
Picard: How long have we been out?
Data: Just because I don't have an answer doesn't mean I'm lying.

Data: Captain, we should send a probe back to the planet.
Picard: Well, I was going to suggest a Taurus, but anything by Ford will do.

Riker: Hey, I thought the planet was a blue M-Class planet, not a yellow planet with black spots.
Data: Um, maybe that's due to sunspots.
Riker: We weren't near a sun.
Data: Exactly. And since our sensors compensate for sunspots, they got confused and mis-scanned the planet.
Riker: Is mis-scanned a word?
Data: Um, mis-scanned. To incorrectly scan something. To mis-examine, to faux-browse, to pseudo-skim, --
Riker: Alright already. I believe you.

Crusher: I was experimenting in Sickbay with a rolling stone earlier today, and look what I found just now.
Picard: Hm. Moss.
Crusher: Either the saying is wrong, or we've lost more time than thirty seconds.

Data: There was a guy named Underhill who suspected that if we passed through a wormhole laced with, um, corbomite, then moss would grow on a rolling stone.
La Forge: Underhill was the assumed name of Frodo Baggins.
Data: Crap! I mean, uh, what a coincidence.

Crusher: I examined our daily body cycles and found out that instead of being only a little off, they were off by a whole day!
Picard: But if our bodies cycle once per day, then how do you know we're off by a day?
Crusher: Look, I'm just tired of Data always being right. This time he's going down.

Picard: Geordi determined that you've set the clock back a day. Why'd you do it?
Data: Well, we were having such a good time earlier, that I had to set the clock back since it was flying forward.
Picard: Data, are you being influenced without your knowledge?
Data: Oh my gosh! I am! But, wait! How do I know that? It's a paradox! BOOM!
Picard: That's not very funny.

Troi: Ugh.
Picard: Counsellor? Are you okay?
Troi: Sorry, I just thought about kissing Riker with a beard.
Riker: On you or on me?
Picard: Worf, why don't you escort Troi back to her quarters? And see if you can't plant seeds for future W/T 'shippers.

Troi: AHHHH!
Worf: What is it?
Troi: I just thought about marrying Riker with a beard.
Riker: (over the comm) On you or on me?
Worf: Maybe we should start a 'ship after all.
Troi: Oh please, you have a beard too.
Worf: But you don't.

La Forge: Data, do you recognize this planet?
Data: Sure, it's the planet the sports car picked up.
La Forge: Um, no, actually it's a smiley face.
Data: It's possible that a planet might look like a giant smiley face.
La Forge: And how do you explain the words "Have a Nice Day" at the bottom?
Data: A virtually impossible arrangement of bread, apples, and very small rocks?

Picard: Data, you've been lying this entire episode. What would you do in my place?
Data: I would drop the charade and make out with Dr. Crusher.
Picard: I meant about you!
Data: Oh. Never mind, then.

Picard: I think Data's trying to protect us from something.
Riker: I bet it's a pack of llamas.
Picard: Anyway, I think we should go back and find out what it is, thus spoiling all of Data's efforts.
Riker: Am I the only one who thinks that's a bad idea? Llamas are vicious when cornered.

Troi: Why am I always the one who gets possessed?
Data: Because if you weren't, you'd get even less screen time.

Picard: So now that I've ruined your secret by returning, tell me what really happened.
Data: Sure thing. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Data: Hey, wake up, everybody!
Riker: (in his sleep) Aw, mom, can't I have five more minutes?
Troi: Why am I always the one who gets possessed?
(Troi snaps Worf's wrist)
Worf: OW! That's it! No 'ship between us ever!
Balrog: Roar!
Data: (on bridge with sword) YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Data: ...and I lived happily ever after to the end of my days.
Riker: Data, we know you're still lying. I mean, where were the llamas?

Picard: Give us one more chance!
Paxons: Since we have no reason to -- sure, why not?
Picard: Yay! Let's get to work!
Riker: Sigh. Reset button episodes aren't so much fun when you have to do a manual reset.

Data: Hey, wake up, everybody!
Riker: (in his sleep) Aw, mom, can't I have five more minutes?
Picard: How long have we been out?
Data: Um, thirty seconds. Yes, that sounds good.
(Data lies through his teeth at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Derek Dean is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.