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By Wade the Sane Commodore
Posted at December 25, 2004 - 7:28 PM GMT

See Also: 'Liaisons' Episode Guide

Captain's Log: Diplomacy time! As a precaution against plot twists, I've ordered all technobabble protocols disabled. La Forge and Data are already going through withdrawal symptoms.

Picard: Welcome aboard, Ambassadors! Meet Commander Riker, Counselor Troi and Lieutenant Worf. Please pick the color of your choice as your personal liaison during your visit.
Loquel: I'd like the curvy blue one, please.
Byleth: And I will condescend to accept the big one in yellow -- the color of cowardice.
Worf: Definitely feeling aggressive tendencies, Captain.
Picard: Well, I'm off to visit the Iyaaran homeworld. You kids have fun while I'm gone.
Worf: Grr....

Loquel: Aren't you going to eat more of this delicious buffet, Counselor?
Troi: No, on my world we hold one plate at a time; we don't carry three in each hand.
Loquel: I understand. Besides, it wouldn't hurt your hips to go easy on the dessert table.
Troi: Hey!

Byleth: This food is unacceptable! I wouldn't even feed it to you!
Worf: I apologize that your gagh is displeasing.
Byleth: Bring me something else, p'taK!
Worf: With or without cyanide?
Byleth: Without. We Iyaarans despise your custom of adding seasonings to food.

Picard: So, how's non-warp shuttle piloting going for you?
Voval: Slowly.
Picard: Heh, good one. Anywhere you suggest I visit on your homeworld?
Voval: I doubt you will be doing much sightseeing.
Picard: Isn't that a presumptuous thing to say?
Voval: Oh look -- we're out of control or something.

Picard: Shuttlepod One, Shuttlepod One. Hoshi, can you hear me?
Voval: Who are you talking to?
Picard: I'm just trying every possible option, that's all. Were you hurt badly in the crash?
Voval: GAK!
Picard: Damn. I'm alone, in an uncharted part of the galaxy....

Byleth: Tell me, incompetent one -- name all the people who built this warp core.
Worf: I would not have the slightest clue.
Byleth: Humph. You, blind man! Who built this warp core?
La Forge: Ah, my Leah, you are the core's soul....
Byleth: Okay, dog, let's go. He's getting kinda creepy.

Loquel: What is this miniature unit here?
Troi: He is a child, an offspring of humans. He will grow up to a full-sized man.
Loquel: So you were once a thin child too?
Troi: I wish you'd stop that!
Loquel: I apologize. Candy bar?
Troi: Ooh ooh!

Picard: Who are you?
Anna: My name is Anna. Do you love me?
Picard: I'd love for you to tell me how I ended up in a wrecked Terellian freighter with a strange device glued to my chest.
Anna: I saw your shuttle crash and I dragged you back here. I may have broken a few of your ribs on some big rocks along the way. Would you like to listen to some music during your convalescence?
Picard: Gladly. You seem to have a large collection of CDs over there.
Anna: Yes -- five hundred copies of the old Beatles single "Love Me Do."

Anna: ...and so I've been here ever since.
Picard: (tear) That is SO sad.
Anna: So you love me now?
Picard: Why yes, I would love you to go get the shuttle's radio.
Anna: For not having any hair, you are still surprisingly thick-headed.

Worf: I would rather baby-sit a Ferengi Marauder's crew than continue escorting Byleth!
Troi: They're just different, Worf. For instance, Loquel is seemingly preoccupied with my figure.
Worf and Riker: Hey who isn't?
Troi: Why do I even bother?

Picard: This transmitter is totally whacked! How could that have happened?
Anna: Maybe I did it accidentally. Yes, accidentally.
Picard: Anna, how did you remove this module?
Anna: I only used a few pounds of C-4.

Picard: Anna, please hand me one of your emery boards.
Anna: What for, sugarplum?
Picard: I'm trying to make a battery for us. I saw MacGyver do it.
Anna: You know I really do love you, Jean-Luc.
Picard: Anna look, you're a swell kid, but I don't think it would work out.
Anna: I understand. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go kill myself.

Byleth: I see your bet and raise you Worf's head on a platter.
Riker: I dunno, that'd be a hard item to collect.
Byleth: Not at all. I am certain a girly-man like Worf would hand it over without protest.
Worf: That's it! PREPARE TO DIE!
Byleth: Oh, come on, you hit like a Romulan!
Byleth: Much better. See you in the morning, old chap.

Voval: Let's split up and look for the girl.
Picard: Um, wait a minute, where did you come from again?
Voval: Remember how Clark Kent always had to come up with an excuse as to why he was never in the same room as Superman?
Picard: Uh huh.
Voval: So just trust me in whatever I say.
Picard: Reassuring words from a man who's supposed to be dead.

Anna: Say you love me or I'll jump!
Picard: Well I'll love you the only way I know how: by speechifying.
Anna/Voval: Okay, I quit, I quit!
Picard: I don't understand! Why did you do this?
Voval: We couldn't grasp the human emotions of pleasure, antagonism and love, so three of us were sent to study them in depth.
Picard: Let me get this straight. You wanted to study human emotions, so your test subjects were a Klingon, a Betazoid and a man brainwashed by the Borg?
Voval: Would that skew our results at all?
Picard: Accuracy is futile.
(Voval returns Picard to the Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed)


Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Wade the Sane Commodore is one of the contributors of Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length.

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